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UNDXEDBPDPARENT Asked September 2021

I feel like I'm going to be the one to die because of this. I went NC. What do you do?

Every morning she calls, :'I'm not going to make it.' She has blood pressure issues, won't take her meds. Won't put me on the paperwork for anything. Refuses to get help, and expects me, as a single parent, to make over a 2.5 hour drive to take her dogs out?


Everyone who is left who will speak to her has told her to move closer to us, she refuses. Her doctors are more important. I offered to help her get to her doctors, have repeatedly looked for homes, despite how verbally abusive she is. I do have a kid with autism, in online school, and I'm single and work for myself.


I told her, I will come up and take your dogs out, but ONLY if you get help there at the house, bc this stress. Yes, she has real issues - chronically ill and 'not gonna make it' since the 80's. Takes steroids and frankly was terrible with her screaming and greediness, inability to cooperate and highly judgemental, very nasty "I bent over backwards for you' attitude.


Finally, when told I was serious - started in with her hate rants against me, I told I will not listen. I have an autistic child to care for, "Oh well not that I know of." I let her have it, I have tourette's so she got the hind end of a rant of epic proportions, told her not to EVER CALL ME AGAIN, bc I am sick to death of this. No doubt, she needs help, but I will not tolerate being called mentally ill bc I get myself help via meds/counseling BC OF HER.


She then emails threatening to cause problems with my kid's dad if I call her another name. She is using illegal drugs for pain, and I just cannot DEAL WITH THIS ANY LONGER. She is putting undue stress on neighbors in their 70's who are still working. And refuses to cooperate.


Can't call APS bc she'll just cause more problems her.e My uncle says she just will have to fall, and that's it. Then whomever (nobody knows) is her MEDICAL POA will have to step in. She has no idea people LIVE for that and will take her money. I've tried warning her.


What do you do?

ZippyZee Sep 2021
Leave her to her own devices. You're handling it right by going NC. Stop answering her calls. Call her on YOUR time when YOU want too, and if she whines or cries or starts complaining, say goodbye and hang up.

You can't control how she acts but you can control how you act. Don't feed the ego.

You really shouldn't involve yourself with an illegal drug user, especially if it's anything more serious than MJ.

Your children/child need you more than she does (especially one that suffers from Autism). Let Mom suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

BarbBrooklyn Sep 2021
So, you've told her "no more".

Stop answering the phone. Or if you feel you must answer the phone, use "grey rock" technique. Lot's of "uh huhs" and " I sees".

Hang up the minute she gets nasty.

Repeat as necessary. Don't aim for any understanding or empathy, because there won't be any. Aim for a firm boundary that you set and enforce.

Visualize an iron gate around the peace of your life and home. Bar that gate and defend it well.

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lealonnie1 Sep 2021
Going 'no contact' means that you have no more contact with the woman and what 'you do' is nothing. You either call APS as BurntCaregiver suggested, as your last-ditch effort before you remove yourself from her life completely, or you do nothing at all. Enabling a drug addict never ends well, as we all know. If you feel the dogs are in 'danger' because of her, then call animal control as well. Other than that, you've done all you were able to do and you have to realize it's now up to HER to manage her OWN life. Block her number on your phone and move on with your own life and your child's life.

Best of luck. I know these types of situations are never 'easy', but if you don't take care of yourself, you'll wind up dying before SHE does! These types of women are always 'dying' and wind up living to be 100+!

CantDance Sep 2021
No contact. Whatever happens, happens.

BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
My mother is almost exactly the same. She too has been actively dying since the 1980's. Those parents who use the 'I bent over backwards for you' as their go to, are the ones who did the absolute minimal allowed by law for their children, and sometimes not even that much. The parents who love and respect their kids never say things like this. They don' have to. They don't need to manipulate and gaslight the adult kids they abused to get what they need in old age.
In your case, I would tell you to call APS on her. Your uncle is wrong. Call APS. It's the right thing to do. She won't be able to cause any problems with these people. Seniors have a way of becoming very reasonable when the state comes because they know their liberty and freedom are at risk. This may be exactly what she needs because it sounds like she cannot function independently anymore. Please call them. In the meantime, don't take her calls. Don't respond to her emails if she's ranting, and don't drive to her place to take out her dogs.

JoAnn29 Sep 2021
You are doing good. I saw your last post, your Mom is a Narcissist. Its all about her. I would not drive 2.5 hours to take out her dogs. And you can't worry about the dogs. You need to block her number and then you have no idea if she even tried to call. I have done it and it gives you peace of mind.

If u have a cell phone you can block her or take her off your contacts list, then put it on "do not disturb" and set it for contacts only. She will go to VM without ringing thru. Then u listen to her message and determine if u want to call her back. But, I think blocking is better.

You have enough on your plate caring for your child. When something happens to Mom, let the state take over her care. They will get her what she needs better than you can. If someone ever happens to call you from the County APS or hospital or even a neighbor, tell them thank you for the call but you are not in the position to handle her care in any way. You can explain that you have an autistic child and are not equipped to handle Moms mental illnesses. That your sorry, but Mom is in their hands. Then hang up. They may try to talk you into being involved in some way with her care. Don't allow them to even get that far, hang up. Note the number they are calling from and block it. Ignore anyway they try to contact you, mail etc. You are not responsible for your Mom. You are responsible for your child.

Lizbitty Sep 2021
Honestly? I’d call APS and then walk away, closing all contact. Not every relationship is built to last. We always think of toxic spouses or friends. What about toxic parents? The result is no different. Life is too short to become a doormat for someone who doesn’t love or care about you.

Sendhelp Sep 2021
Hang tight! Your Uncle is right. That is how to get her help, by backing off.

A neighbor had all the offers of help, but no one could help her until 911 was called when she fell outside.

She now resides in a board and care.

It was the hardest thing to say "NO", I cannot possibly do that. It was only two days later when help came.

So, hang tight!

Riverdale Sep 2021
I agree with all advised here. I feel concern for the dogs. They should not suffer due to her irresponsible behavior. Not sure if you should attempt to call animal control. It's hard to imagine she could be treating them decently and might not even take them out. I am not even an animal owner yet I dislike terribly the thought of abuse or terrible neglect to them. As far as she is concerned I agree to let her fail further if that is what the further for her brings.
answry Sep 2021
I agree Riverdale. If ever she sees that the dogs are not being cared for, she should call animal control or PETA. We had to do this for dad's pet. Once siblings placed him in the nursing home, they stopped feeding his dog talking about he was vicious but it was really to get at us because we had taken to the pet as he would get so excited when we drove up. We tried to carry him something every time we went to see dad in the nursing home, but it was not enough. He went from strong with a shiny coat to ribs showing (it was horrible). We asked to take control of the pet and they refused. So in the end we had to get PETA involved. We got him to a veterinary and then PETA took over his care. He was nurtured back to health and adopted out.
tygrlly1 Sep 2021
First let me say that your own life is so very precious , as a mom to your autistic child first and foremost....secondly, you have already sacrificed so much of that precious life , out of love and a strong desire to do the right thing. You cannot leave your child motherless, as your narcissistic deeply disturbed mother has done to you. As a retired Social Worker in County Adult Protective Services , I have some thoughts. Contact your local police department the moment she utters that shes not going to make it and have them do a well being check. They very well might not do anything the first time, because as a narcissist, she will charm them. Do this each time, as she will probably turn up the guilt and self harm dial. Theyhavd been trained and will most likely contact the County she lives in for and hopefully she would be detained for mental health and competency eval. When they contact you for aftercare, tell them you are not available to provide any help due to your childs needs. The County will then need to step in as she will be deemed a danger to herself. Thats the way its supposed to work ...at least. Bottom line is that she is threatening you, she is emotionally abusive and trying to ruin you. Would your therapist be willing to talk to her Drs with your permission to clue them in ? I have been able to get my moms Dr onboard to back me up, because she is also a Narcissist, and they love the attention supply they get from their Drs. I ll keep you in my prayers...Feel my hug.

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