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GdeStImier Asked July 2021

Mother-in-law has moved to facility, and now I just feel numb to everything. Any advice?

Hello, a while back I shared how my wife and I were dealing with her mom’s declining health as a result of frontaltemporal dementia. The advice was overwhelmingly helpful. This week, after months and months of precipitous decline, we moved her into a great facility. But now that our roles as caretakers are different and largely off our plates, I just feel numb. I don’t know what to do with myself without all the myriad caregiver tasks that we had absorbed into our daily existence. I can’t clear my head from the persistent awareness of another person with a severe disability needing something at any minute. I have a lot that I could throw myself into. I’m in law school, I have two wonderful kids, and finally the time with my wife where we can just be us. But I just want to do nothing, and I don’t know how to find the energy to help my wife navigate the feelings of grief, guilt, sadness, anger, and loss that come with a loved one moving on in this way. I absolutely want to be there and I’m trying, but as I said, I just feel like a person walking through a silent movie now. Until she moved, my mother in law lived in an apartment that is the bottom floor of our house. Our front door has a large glass pane in it, and her method of communicating that she needed something was to stand at the door and press her face up against the glass. It was at first frustrating; then accepting. Now, I’ve realized I have an involuntary habit of looking at the door whenever I pass to see if she’s there needing something. All I ever wanted it seemed was to have my house back from this sense of constant need and imposition. Now I find myself looking at the door and seeing nothing and thinking, without that urgency looking in at me, I don’t know what to do. And I realized I became so used to it that now, in its absence, I miss it.

Grandma1954 Jul 2021
It was a while after my Husband died that I could go out and not look at my watch and think, “ I have to get back, the caregiver has to leave by 4”. Or looking in the freezer and realizing I had no puréed soup for his meals. Or thinking the house is so quiet without the noise of the pressure mattress.
Give yourselves time. It is a part of the grieving. Dementia is as they say the long goodbye and this transition is part of it.
You obviously moved her for her safety, your wife’s safety as well as yours and other members of the household. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
If you can plan a getaway get to know the family again without having to worry about caring for anyone but you, your wife and kids. Be “selfish” for a day or so.

NYCmama Jul 2021
This is normal. You feel as if you lost your "job". Let yourself feel the emotions and numbness that come with that. Ask your wife if she would like to talk about HER feelings. If not, a simple hand-hold, an unsolicited hug, or a note tucked into her pocket will help in letting her know you are ever there for her.
You're still in caretaker role so ease out of it by doing caring things for your wife, your friends, your neighbors. Believe me, this helps. I lost my caregiver role 4 months ago and I am still feeling my way, but helping others has helped me tremendously. Last of all, enjoy your new independence - sit in it - even if that means just staring at the walls and giving thanks for all you have.

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MJ1929 Jul 2021
Just wait until those kids of yours leave the house. I was a stay-at-home mother, and I remember driving away after leaving the youngest at college and realizing, "I'm unemployed."

Seriously, though, you can't turn off all those ingrained responses to your mother's needs the same week she moved. Give yourselves time to decompress. It may take months, but it's OK.

cweissp Jul 2021
You've both been on hyper-alert for a while and it will take time for both of you to feel back to normal. Both of you should take time to relax. Just be supportive of your wife as she goes through the grieving process. Take time for dinner out for two.

Your wife's caregiver duties are not over; her caregiving duties have just changed. Her job now is to advocate for her mother to see that mom is getting what she need and to solve problems between mom and the facility.

Best wishes.

funkygrandma59 Jul 2021
I can certainly relate. I was my husbands caregiver for many, many years, and when he died 10 months ago, I too felt very lost and kind of just wandered for months. I no longer felt I had a purpose, or so I thought, but over time, I have come to realize that now it's my time, to take care of me, and do the things that I enjoy. It hasn't been easy, but I'm making progress, and with each passing day it gets just a little easier.
I hope and pray that now you and your wife will take time for each other, and start to do the things that you enjoy. Things that perhaps you couldn't do when your MIL was living with you. God bless you both.

MommydearestMIL Jul 2021
Hi, I understand the feelings that you are going through. It will take time to decompress and get back to doing what you once loved. You are still in survival mode. I suggest honoring where you are and in moments of grief or despair, breathe into the feelings. It’s time for you to nourish yourself and your family once again after taking some time to learn how to love life prior to being a full time caretaker. You’re at the point of total burn out but the good news is now your MIL is safe and taken care for by professionals so you and your wife can go back to the role of being her children and not primary care taker. Many blessings to you as you learn to navigate these new waters

Countrymouse Jul 2021
I'm having a little chuckle of recognition but I assure you it's fellow-feeling, not mockery.

It takes a while, but that high-alert sensation will settle. Give yourself total downtime for now, and encourage your wife to do the same. Have you worked out a visiting and errands schedule for MIL? - don't let that grow out of proportion to compensate, will you.

Worriedspouse Jul 2021
I want to say that you are welcome to come to my house and assume the caregiver role for 2 weeks so that I can get some sleep. But that is not helpful here...

You have a family with small kids, are in law school, and caregiving duties for a MIL? Wow! Even Clark Kent wouldn’t be able to do that. Impressive. I have no advice or suggestion; just admiration. I thought I was a superhuman with my caregiving duties and a full-time job, but obviously you beat me to it

WVson1 Jul 2021
First, sleep. Next, take a deep breath. Realize your role has evolved. She still needs you. Now you must advocate for her. They may watch her. But you must watch them. Let them know who you are. Show up at the facility at random times. Introduce yourself to all who are caring for your MIL. Participate in some activities. Thank them profusely but always remain vigilant. They have a very difficult job if done correctly. I presume you are still responsible for all your MIL's personal affairs. The facility that you are using to care for your MIL is just another tool that you are using to provide for her welfare. It takes practice and persistence to use the tool successfully.

Llamalover47 Jul 2021
GdeStlmier: Like anything else, human kind are very much creatures of habit and you have adapted quite well to handle your MIL's requirements. Understandably, you're going to look at the door - for a little bit OR however long that you need. You are a STELLAR human being. Like myself and others, you could use your time to advantage of others by continuing to help other posters of this forum.

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