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JennaRose Asked May 2021

Do I let go? There is nothing I can do about my Aunt who can't call my Mom.

Over 2 years ago I let my Aunt (Mom's sister) move in with us because she was in a bad situation. My Mom and Aunt were always very close and the best of friends. They would talk about 3 times a day.


Later on I let my 2nd cousin move in (my Aunt's grandson) because he had no place to go. I ended up evicting him (he was abusive to me). His grandmother (my Aunt) said if he's leaving then she's leaving with him and she did.


My 2nd cousin (my Aunt's grandson) blocked her cellphone from calling my Mom). Since my Aunt moved out a year ago she has not called my Mom and it bothers me because my Mom brings up her sister all the time.


My 2nd cousin is causing all of this. They live about 10 minutes away from us. Of course my cousin is angry with me because I evicted him (and forced him to grow up).


Do I let go or is there anything I can do? I just feel so bad for my Mom.

cwillie May 2021
Even though your mother has dementia she has to know full well the lifelong dynamics surrounding her sister and her family, when she brings it up I would just tell her truthfully that her sister is involved in more family drama and hasn't been in touch. Maybe helping her to send a card or note will satisfy her need to feel connected.(Don't overthink, it doesn't matter if it is ever received or reciprocated)

MargaretMcKen May 2021
I understand that you live in a rural area, but is it possible for you to go around to where you mother’s sister is now living (that seems the easiest relationship in such a tangled web)? Could you call in, and take a card from your mother with the phone number on it? Just say how much your mother would love to hear from her? The nastiness is so much more likely with technology. Fewer people are likely to turn you away from the door.

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NeedHelpWithMom May 2021
Of course, you feel badly, but I will tell you that you cannot change anyone else’s mind or their behavior. Every time that I tried to intervene out of the kindness of my heart and the other person didn’t want to hear, not only did they not hear, I got kicked in the gut by them. So, now I NEVER, EVER place myself in the middle of people again.

Do what you feel you must. If you see, that your speaking to them is not helpful, back off. It will only annoy them further if you push. Trust me, I learned this the hard way. I would not repeat my mistake, if I could get a do over. I tried. I didn’t succeed. That’s that. Life is a crap shoot. We don’t always win with the chances we take. When we lose, we cut our losses and move on. We grieve. We grow. We learn.

There are ups and downs in life. The ‘downs’ in our lives hurt. We learn to appreciate the ‘ups’ a whole lot! Cherish what is joyful in your life. You have no control over some areas. Don’t allow those areas to choke out your joy. Take time to lick your wounds. Take time to grieve any losses, but don’t waste precious time by getting stuck. See a therapist if you need help sorting through your emotions. Therapy helped me tremendously.

Best wishes to you and your family.
JennaRose May 2021
Thanks for your feedback. I decided just to let go and put my cousin and Aunt in the past.
MJ1929 May 2021
Where are your cousin's parents (your aunt's son or daughter) in all of this? That's who you should be talking to.
JennaRose May 2021
My cousin hates his mother because she abused him physically and emotionally. My Aunt abused her daughter who obviously learned the abuse from her mom (my Aunt).

They were all living together (one huge dysfunctional family) until my Aunt ran out of money. Then my 1st cousin (the daughter) got married to her 2nd husband and my Aunt and my 2nd cousin hated him. Currently my 1st cousin is separated from her husband and is planning on moving to another state and taking her mother with her.

It's one big soap opera and it's best if I stay away from them. I did try to help because I felt bad for my Aunt (who I was always close to) and didn't know my 2nd cousin very well (I knew him as a baby) until I let him move in with me too. He's another abuser which I didn't know.

Again, best to stay away from all of them as they are all poison.

The reason I posted is because I felt bad for my Mom that after being so close to her sister there has been no more contact. It hurts me whenever my Mom brings up her sister and wonders why her sister doesn't call her. Who knows how much time my Mom has left? Sad.
ravensdottir May 2021
If nothing else, writing cards will help your mom even if her sister never receives them. That could be a benefit of such a cruel disease - she may not remember how long it's been between cards, whether she received a reply...

Best wishes to you, Mom, and Auntie.

SylviaT May 2021
I know it's easier said than done, but you just need to let it go. All you really can do is pray that it may get better, but I wouldn't let these family members steal your joy. Love on your mom and enjoy yall's time together. We can only change things that is within our control. God bless you!
JennaRose May 2021
Thanks Sylvia, I don't know how much time my Mom has left as she is progressing (she's 95) and my Aunt is very sick (94 today). All I can do is try to keep making my Mom happy. It just hurts me that after all these years of being so close there hasn't been any contact between the sisters.

What a way to end a relationship before they both pass away and all because of my rotten cousin.

Jenna
AlvaDeer May 2021
Yes. You let it go. There is nothing you can do about this. I am relieved that these people are no longer in your home, nor your responsibility. Help you Mom create small cards and notes to send your aunt. They may go into the trash via her grandson, but they may make your Mom feel better. I surely do wish you the best.
JennaRose May 2021
My cousin never gave me the address but I found it out by accident. Everything in their life is kept secret, they are strange people. Of course if my Mom wrote a note my cousin would trash it. It's a good idea though and I'll ask my Mom if she would like to do that.

Thanks!
Countrymouse May 2021
Borrow someone else's phone and call your aunt with it, handing the phone to your mother once you hear the ringtone. And then stay out of the conversation.

If your cousin responds badly, you'll need a 3rd party to explain to him that his preventing communication between the two sisters is isolation, which is abuse. You can probably facilitate the communication best by keeping the lowest possible profile. I expect your cousin is still sore. Being in the wrong doesn't generally make people less cross about anything.
JennaRose May 2021
Because we live in a rural area in the mountains the only other phone besides my landline is my cell phone which my cousin knows.

I learned from another far-away cousin that the reason my 2nd cousin is blocking calls (this is what she said anyway) was that my Aunt left her cat with me because where they moved to didn't accept animals and the cat died and my 2nd cousin doesn't want his Grandmother (my Aunt) to know for fear it will destroy her which doesn't make sense to me. The cat was 18 years old when my Aunt moved out.

I said to my far-away cousin that if my Aunt loved the cat so much she could have stayed here but she abandoned her cat to go live with her grandson (who is 30).

My Mom's dementia is progressing so I don't know how much she really cares anymore. She does bring up my Aunt at least once a week so she must care. My Aunt turned 94 today and my Mom is 95.

I just feel bad for my Mom that after all these years of being so close that this is the way it's going to end before they both pass away.

I know it's abuse on my cousin's part but after evicting him I'm not going to report him.

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