No one deserves abuse of any kind. Some people are just never happy. I don't think they know how to be. My friend expected people to reciprocate and when they didn't she got upset. She expected too much. I so wish I had told her that years ago because the last year of her life was not so great. Mainly because of choices she had made thru her life.
If Mom has been this way all her life, ur not going to change her now but, as said, you can change your response to her. You can make it known that you are no longer going to put up with it. Walk away when she gets evil and nasty. Hang the phone up. Say "Mom I will talk to you later when ur not so nasty" or just say "I am hanging up". You are now an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Her age does not give her the right to be nasty. See less and less of her. If you help her with errands, make it one day a week. Grocery shopping and running errands. And if she has been good, lunch out.
Regardless of the 'deals life has dealt' your mother, she has no right to be evil and nasty towards YOU! That's the bottom line here, isn't it? Unless YOU personally caused her life to be soooooooooo horrible and soooooooooo bad, then why is she treating you with such disdain?
Senseless.
And, if she's still alive at 87, and has a good son who cares for her, and a roof over her head, then life hasn't dealt her quite so many ugly blows AFTER all, has it?
Women like this just never see the real blessings that they DO have. Just the little incidental things that haven't gone quite the way they were hoping.
Like $6 million from the lottery didn't fall into their laps. And if it did, it should have been $60 million since $6 wasn't enough.
Or Prince Charming didn't come by on a white horse and whisk them away to live in a castle. And if he did, he had bad breath from rotted teeth.
If she lives with you, get her placed in managed care where she can pay others to listen to her complain.
Otherwise, learn to use non committal phrases such as, "That's unfortunate." "I'm so sorry to hear that mom." And other responses that do not elicit a fired up comment back from HER.
Wishing you the best of luck trying not to engage with your angry mother.
Was your Mom ever really very different? Was there a time when she was happy and fulfilled, or at least content and at peace with herself and with her family? Was she someone with hobbies she loved to do, someone positive in her perspective on life? Or is this more or less how Mom has always been? I would say that "evil and nasty" should only see the back of you as you exit the premises. Don't argue. Just give her a wave and tell her "Love you Mom; I will be back when you are feeling a bit better". You don't say if Mom lives with you Dave. I kind of hope not. At least then YOU are in charge of how much time you listen to what I will bet is a sort of habitual dissatisfaction with life.
The old “whoa is me” syndrome. Our life is usually the result of the decisions we've made. We're all dealt certain hands throughout our life, how we play them is up to us. If you're up for a little confrontation you might tell her that and don't wait for a response.
Completely ignore her. Like so many elders she's looking for a fight and feels entitled to one from you because your her son. Forget that. When you talk to her on the phone and she starts tell her plainly that you're not interested in her instigating, then hang up. If you're around her in person and she starts walk away and leave. It is not your fault her life sucks so you don't have to take the blame for it.
hug! i agree with you: they’re looking for a fight.
they want to make you miserable.
i think unfortunately, so long as there’s contact, the abuse will continue.
it’s possible the narc spent a life-time trying to destroy one’s life. sabotage. making sure one doesn’t go for one’s full potential.
i’m not saying all that’s bad in one’s life is because of the narc. —but one can look at one’s life, and there might be a lot more damage than we realize. damage that was intentionally caused by the narc. narcs don’t want us to be happy and thriving, successful. —one could look at one’s life and ask oneself: how many of the problems were actually created by the narc?
i think one might need to escape from narcs. they steal our time, energy, etc., etc.
maybe thief is a good word for narc. they’re not really narcissistic in the sense of always looking at the mirror.
wishing us courage! and that we find good ways forward! :)
She said her Dr. told her that she had 'suffered more than any other person alive'.
Really? Drs. don't say stuff like that and she has always had the basics of life and much more. A bad marriage, OK, but she got out of that and is STILL mad at her ex after 31 years of being divorced--and he died 17 years ago, so why is she still as mad today as the day it happened?
She maintains she lives in the 'ghetto'--when in fact, her neighborhood is one of the most exclusive and expensive in our city. Her home is worth over $700K, but she still calls it a 'dump'.
EVERYONE in her life (with the exception of her daughter, my SIL) has disappointed her and caused her actual harm, in her eyes.
She told my Dh that the reason she doesn't EVER sleep is b/c he married me. 45 years ago, yes, but she's certainly slept since then, one would think.
What she is doing, and your mom too, is just trying to get people to see them as victims and pathetic, downtrodden people who have worked their fingers to the bone and no one 'gets it'. They are sad, angry, hateful---and age doesn't make that better. She wants you to AGREE with her, and you don't, or won't and that just lights the fuse.
Dh finally walked away last month and has stepped back in for literally less than 2 minutes when he dropped off a Christmas gift. His plans are to never speak to her again.
So sad, she's really been so blessed and could have had a lot of joy in her life, had she chosen a different thought-path.
You are absolutely right. Have nothing to do with her anymore. I totally hear you about these people having the hardest life in the world and looking for pity. My mother is like that too. From the time I was a kid, I was one of the few people who didn't think her life was all that hard because it really wasn't. She made my life hard though because I'm the one who had to take her abuse. I don't go around whining about it in my adult life though. She's in her 80's now and still carrying on about her hard life. Limit contact with these toxic people even if they're family at have none at all.
She may be goading you to fight. Is it worth it? Don’t respond or say, oh look, I have a call I have to make, errand I have to run - you get the picture.
No contact is best with difficult people. When not possible, low contact and keeping all your personal info private is best. My mom uses my personal information to put me down.
I have two relatives who will try to goad me into a fight with the hopes that I will say something awful and they can quote me out of context to whoever will listen. This is so hurtful and manipulative because anything I say to defend myself is then taken as "Look how mean you are to a poor old lady." Awful. Of these two women, I am currently "no contact" with one of them. The other one is my mother. I am low contact with her as she does use anything I tell her to either put me down or manipulate somehow. For years, I thought I was nuts but when my daughter as a young teen asked me "How come grandma steps in and (negatively) comments on everything I do?" I knew it was other people as well. I had to tell my daughter not to tell grandma anything until it was in the past tense such that Grandma can't try to undermine or destroy confidence. Sad. I think it's a really warped way of reaching out for people who don't have much to offer others. They try to spin a web that they hope you can't escape. Should not be tolerated, however.
I’ve chosen to let stuff roll off. If her memory is impaired, it won’t make any difference to her behavior how you react.
If her memory isn’t impaired, you might (if you feel comfortable doing so and you think you can pull it off), say- “Well I wasn’t around then, so I didn’t do that to you, but if you want, I’m a pretty good listener, and I’d really like to know what happened.”
Your choice of course, but however contentious some of my LOs were, I always knew that in fact they had gone through some pretty rough times, and every once in a while I’d get an enlightening ear full.
Asking a chronic complainer for a bigger list of complaints is something I'd rather not do. Ever. Under any circumstances. That's for sure! Those of us who have the great displeasure of dealing with such people get an earful continuously as it IS w/o asking for more stories to listen to!!!!!!!!
Don’t accept anyone, even your mother being “evil and nasty” to you. Leave the room or hang up the phone the minute it starts. Her bitterness is her own to deal, or not deal, with so don’t let yourself be poisoned with it. No one deserves abuse, ever.
If Mom has been this way all her life, ur not going to change her now but, as said, you can change your response to her. You can make it known that you are no longer going to put up with it. Walk away when she gets evil and nasty. Hang the phone up. Say "Mom I will talk to you later when ur not so nasty" or just say "I am hanging up".
You are now an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Her age does not give her the right to be nasty. See less and less of her. If you help her with errands, make it one day a week. Grocery shopping and running errands. And if she has been good, lunch out.
Senseless.
And, if she's still alive at 87, and has a good son who cares for her, and a roof over her head, then life hasn't dealt her quite so many ugly blows AFTER all, has it?
Women like this just never see the real blessings that they DO have. Just the little incidental things that haven't gone quite the way they were hoping.
Like $6 million from the lottery didn't fall into their laps. And if it did, it should have been $60 million since $6 wasn't enough.
Or Prince Charming didn't come by on a white horse and whisk them away to live in a castle. And if he did, he had bad breath from rotted teeth.
If she lives with you, get her placed in managed care where she can pay others to listen to her complain.
Otherwise, learn to use non committal phrases such as, "That's unfortunate." "I'm so sorry to hear that mom." And other responses that do not elicit a fired up comment back from HER.
Wishing you the best of luck trying not to engage with your angry mother.
Or is this more or less how Mom has always been?
I would say that "evil and nasty" should only see the back of you as you exit the premises. Don't argue. Just give her a wave and tell her "Love you Mom; I will be back when you are feeling a bit better".
You don't say if Mom lives with you Dave. I kind of hope not. At least then YOU are in charge of how much time you listen to what I will bet is a sort of habitual dissatisfaction with life.
Don’t argue with her. It’s pointless.
Don’t you sometimes wish that the ‘scream therapy’ that was in vogue in the 60’s was still around?
I remember reading about John and Yoko Lennon participating in sessions involving scream therapy.
During my caregiving days there were times that I could have safely screamed my head off! Hahaha 🤣
hug!!
you wrote:
”Don’t give her any ammunition to fight you with.
Don’t argue with her. It’s pointless.”
i totally agree.
i never realized.
i thought they’re somehow interested in the truth. but not at all. they’re enjoying picking a fight/conflict.
it took me 1,000,000 years to see that.
hug!!
hug! i agree with you:
they’re looking for a fight.
they want to make you miserable.
i think unfortunately, so long as there’s contact, the abuse will continue.
it’s possible the narc spent a life-time trying to destroy one’s life. sabotage. making sure one doesn’t go for one’s full potential.
i’m not saying all that’s bad in one’s life is because of the narc.
—but one can look at one’s life, and there might be a lot more damage than we realize. damage that was intentionally caused by the narc. narcs don’t want us to be happy and thriving, successful.
—one could look at one’s life and ask oneself: how many of the problems were actually created by the narc?
i think one might need to escape from narcs. they steal our time, energy, etc., etc.
maybe thief is a good word for narc. they’re not really narcissistic in the sense of always looking at the mirror.
wishing us courage! and that we find good ways forward! :)
She said her Dr. told her that she had 'suffered more than any other person alive'.
Really? Drs. don't say stuff like that and she has always had the basics of life and much more. A bad marriage, OK, but she got out of that and is STILL mad at her ex after 31 years of being divorced--and he died 17 years ago, so why is she still as mad today as the day it happened?
She maintains she lives in the 'ghetto'--when in fact, her neighborhood is one of the most exclusive and expensive in our city. Her home is worth over $700K, but she still calls it a 'dump'.
EVERYONE in her life (with the exception of her daughter, my SIL) has disappointed her and caused her actual harm, in her eyes.
She told my Dh that the reason she doesn't EVER sleep is b/c he married me. 45 years ago, yes, but she's certainly slept since then, one would think.
What she is doing, and your mom too, is just trying to get people to see them as victims and pathetic, downtrodden people who have worked their fingers to the bone and no one 'gets it'. They are sad, angry, hateful---and age doesn't make that better. She wants you to AGREE with her, and you don't, or won't and that just lights the fuse.
Dh finally walked away last month and has stepped back in for literally less than 2 minutes when he dropped off a Christmas gift. His plans are to never speak to her again.
So sad, she's really been so blessed and could have had a lot of joy in her life, had she chosen a different thought-path.
YOU can't make her happy. Just quit trying.
No contact is best with difficult people. When not possible, low contact and keeping all your personal info private is best. My mom uses my personal information to put me down.
Do your know the deals life has dealt her?
I’ve chosen to let stuff roll off. If her memory is impaired, it won’t make any difference to her behavior how you react.
If her memory isn’t impaired, you might (if you feel comfortable doing so and you think you can pull it off), say-
“Well I wasn’t around then, so I didn’t do that to you, but if you want, I’m a pretty good listener, and I’d really like to know what happened.”
Your choice of course, but however contentious some of my LOs were, I always knew that in fact they had gone through some pretty rough times, and every once in a while I’d get an enlightening ear full.