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When I tell my mom I will not loan her money she gets very mad. She threatens to end her life and my father committed suicide a few years ago. This is emotional blackmail. She does this to control me and will not take no for an answer. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

Yes, it's emotional blackmail.

Your mom is mentally ill. That's NOT YOUR FAULT.

Don't lend her money.

If you become impoverished, who is going to support you?
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Jenn2720 May 1, 2019
Sometimes you just need to hear what your thinking in your own head. Thank you! It's just so hard since loosing my dad, he was my best friend and I didn't see it coming. I think she takes advantage of the situation and thrives off of it. Also, I think she is envious of me and my father's relationship as well. She has made comments about how he wasn't a great dad etc. You don't say those kind of things about your kids father especially someone who is no longer here. We are all adults, but it is heartless. I think she holds a lot of animosity towards my father. All I can do is Pray for her.
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Jenn, Your mom and brother are both mentally ill. They both need help. They have a co-dependent relationship and are trying to triangulate you into the fold!

Resist the manipulation. Read up on "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (known as FOG). Read the book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud about how to set those important boundaries around your life and that of your relationship. Find yourself a therapist who can help you past the clear guilt you feel about your father's death--the way your mother is "playing" your guilt about that it truly despicable. It goes "you love him so much because he killed himself, I'll do that too". Your "mom" is one sick puppy, my dear.

Jenn, you may need to walk away from these toxic individuals in order to have some peace and that would be okay. Curing your mom is NOT YOUR JOB.

Peace!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 3, 2019
Great advice, Barb.

True, an addict will drag a person down in their spiraling disaster! I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. To protect yourself sometimes a person has to walk away.

Oh it hurts, because we want to help. Some can be helped but those who can’t will end up taking others down, far down a path of anxiety and depression. I learned the hard way and became severely depressed before I went to therapy and got the encouragement to distance myself from the mayhem.
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I. Do not give money to her.
2. If she threatens suicide call 911. (Had an exBF threaten suicide to me - I called 911 and when they arrived he said that he was just kidding... they had him evaluated and he was fine needless to say we broke up and as far as I know - through a mutual friend - he lives in another state and has never done that again)
3. Walk - run - away!
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faeriefiles May 2, 2019
Good advice. You can't know if she's just trying to control you or if she really may be considering suicide so like @hgnhgn did it is probably going to be best to force your mom to be evaluated. Do not give her money is also very good advice, never give money to an addict.
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Stay out of the way of her financial demands. Why is it she keeps coming back if you are denying her? Her business is likely in trouble. Are you in any way financially involved in the business? Don't keep her afloat. Gambling problems can be helped. Tell her doctor and her lawyer. Then step back.
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Jenn2720 May 1, 2019
Her business is in trouble because of her gambling addiction. I cannot tell her doctor because of the guidelines they now have. Her doctor wanted to put her on meds and she refused. I feel if I would speak to her doctor or even try or to her lawyer she would never speak to me again. I just don't think it's worth that. Maybe an anonymous letter?
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Don't give your mother any money. So what if she gets mad. The world will not stop turning because she is mad at you. I know it may hurt your feelings, but it is better to have hurt feeling than end up living on the street or not having any money to do what you want or be able to get what you need.

Your mother knows that your dad killed himself and she is using it to guilt and manipulate you...that my friend is the worst kind of "emotional blackmail." To use your dad's death to get what she wants...are you kidding me...that is wrong on so many levels! You deserve so much better.

Just my 2 cents!
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Jenn2720 May 1, 2019
I agree, she was not the beneficiary of his life insurance as they were divorced. My brother and I ended up with his insurance and it's been a bad omen. My brother has blown thru it in three months and it was left for him to purchase a home. I have my own home which I have worked hard for. She then asked me to buy him a home with my share after he blew his inheritance. I refused and she took out a personal loan for him which he hasn't paid a dime on. He has a bad drinking and drug problem. We didn't speak for 4 months because I refused to pay for his home. I am forever grateful I refused! My brother and her enable each others bad behaviors but neither one have pennies to rub together because they are both addicts. I have started a new healthy relationship with a new partner and I am finally happy. I refuse to allow them to come too much into my personal life because of their bad behaviors. I am embarrassed of the way they act and this is very hard to explain to my partner. I feel as though I just need to put space between us and boundaries or this will never get better. Am I wrong for feeling this way? My mother is capable of taking care of herself she is just not mentally capable I feel. I feel so torn but I have to live my own life away from the abuse also. My brother threatens me with pyshical harm when he is drinking and I don't want to put myself in those situations anymore.
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Smiling and smh.

Listen carefully to what you just said:

"I lost my dad and I just don't want to make a stupid mistake."

You lost your Dad. You don't want to take a wrong step that leads to your losing your mother. Because if you did take that wrong step, and she were to kill herself, that would be your fault. Yes?

Implicit in that thought process is that your father's taking his own life was in some way your fault. That if you had done something differently, or said something, or intervened, it would not have happened.

Your father, not to speak ill of the dead, was a sick man. The havoc he wrought on the people who loved him, or tried to love him, is plain to see.

You Did Not Do It.

Have you taken this issue to a therapist for yourself?
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Shell38314 May 1, 2019
Jenn,
Once again CM is right! You did not cause, nor could you have prevented your dad's death, that was his choice.

You need to see a professional to heal & for you let go of those wrong feelings. It was not your fault. I repeat it was not your fault!
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When she threatens suicide then call 911 so that she can get evaluated. Hopefully the professionals can help with her addictions also
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BarbBrooklyn recommended what I was going to recommend, Jenn: you need to walk away from your mother and brother. You're being double-teamed by two sick individuals. You DO NOT have to tolerate the treatment from either one.

As others have said, you should seek treatment for yourself to make yourself as mentally and emotionally strong as you can. You deserve happiness.

You can't make your mother and brother get help and solve their problems. They have to fall to the point where they realize they need help, and you CANNOT be their landing pad. They have to realize this on their own. Don't hesitate to protect yourself and stop all communication. Perhaps in time they can come to their realization they need help. If you can't avoid them because you're all nearby in the community, strictly limit your contact with them. Take care of any business then walk away.

A big hug to you, Jenn. I wish you all happiness.
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If your father killed himself, how come the life insurance company paid out? This would be very unusual.

So the problem in fact is that your mother thinks you should help your brother. You can see perfectly well that the loan is not to her, but to him. She has already committed herself to helping him, you never agreed to it; moreover you correctly believe that money is not going to solve his difficulties.

She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow it. You are correct.

Have you considered severing all contact with them? Would you be able to do that?
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Jenn2720 May 1, 2019
No since I refused to help my brother which just so you know is my OLDER brother. She took out a personal loan in her name to purchase his house. The home is paid off now and he is refusing to pay the notes because he can barely hold a job.
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Your mother and brother have a co-dependant relationship. As long as your brother is 'sick' using drugs and alcohol she can 'take care of him' this in turn makes HER feel better. It is all about her and really has nothing to do with your brother being a better kid or even being her favorite. Do research on co-dependant, just Google it. I bet you will find similarity as you read the behaviours of your mom and brother. I know this because my mother and brother have the same sick and twisted relationship. Do not ever think there is something wrong with you because the way your mom treats you. It is not you...it is her.

She had no right to ask you to use 'your inheritance' on your brother. He got his and he made a choice to blow it that is on him. People like your mom and brother will suck the life out of you if you let them.

As far as your partner goes all you have to tell him for now is that you are not close to your mom and brother. If this is a new relationship than keep it short and simple about your mom and brother for right now.

CM is right " She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow."

Sometimes in life we can not save the people we love because "you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be save," all you can do is save yourself.

Your dad left you that money for you, not for you to give it to your brother or your mom. If he wanted them to have it he would have left it to them.

Hugs!!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 3, 2019
Yeah, becomes a cycle.
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