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898luvmymom Asked March 2021

Extreme fear of a nursing home, any advice?

I have always promised my mother that there will be no nursing home in her future! I will always keep my promise. However, I am her sole caregiver, and I'm an aging only child, so if something should happen to me, it is quite possible that a nursing home will be the only solution. We can afford a top tier facility, but that will not allay her fears. Many of you will not understand the issue, and may even be angered by it, but my mother's fears are related to racial biases. Since we are African American, and since others in the family in the past have suffered racism and abuse in nursing homes, my mother, who is now in her mid-90s, will NEVER lose her fear of these facilities. In-home nursing is certainly an option, despite the expense, but still, my mother will be afraid. Does anyone have a solution?

notgoodenough Mar 2021
Is there anyone your mom knows and trusts who have had good experiences with in-home care who could talk with her to maybe alleviate some of her fears?
898luvmymom Mar 2021
Unfortunately, no! But I can check to see if there's someone at church who might be able to help. Thanks for your response, notgoodenough!
CaregiverL Mar 2021
You can be an advocate for your mom just like you are a caregiver. Check up on her, call her & /or do Skype or FaceTime. Talk with her Nurses, CNA’s & Dr ...on a regular basis. As far as being scared because of racism...the.other residents I’ve seen when my mother was in there were of various cultures & religious backgrounds. Most were there because their needs exceeded what could be done for them at home. &/or they could not live alone. Personally, I’d wait another month so regular visits resume & more residents vaccinated. Don’t be afraid because of the fear of racism...a lot of the CNAs are African American too ...good luck & hugs 🤗
898luvmymom Mar 2021
You're right, CaregiverL! I do know that lots of CNAs are African American, and I'll remind her of that fact! I appreciate your response!

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898luvmymom Mar 2021
I'd like to thank all three of you (Countrymouse, polarbear and Ludmila) for your kind and thoughtful answers. I'll certainly consider these options!

Countrymouse Mar 2021
One day, this won't be a fear that crosses anyone's mind. Please God.

Meanwhile, make relationships with a select number of caregivers while you are still around to hold her hand. Introduce them little by little, supervising constantly to begin with (i.e. not leaving the room), and take it steadily, building up to personal care, dressing, preparing snacks and meals. With luck and the right people, even if she doesn't lose her fear altogether, you will at least have proved to her that others are kind and caring and respectful of her besides you.
898luvmymom Mar 2021
Great idea!! Thank you SO VERY MUCH!
polarbear Mar 2021
I can sympathize with her fear. I think a solution is a good small group home that is run and staffed by people with her skin color. SInce it's small, 4-8 residents, it will feel more like home and less like a nursing home.

Maybe at first, she can try a few days to give respite, then a week, then a week every month. etc.

It is good that she can afford to pay. Many can't. You certainly need to have some breaks to take care of your own health.
898luvmymom Mar 2021
I really appreciate your response, polarbear! This is a very good idea!!
Ludmila Mar 2021
I am so sorry!

My MIL lives in a small care home with 6 residents only and the 2 care takers are Kenyans. Have you tried to look for homes or care takers that are of African descent?
898luvmymom Mar 2021
I never thought of that, Ludmila! THANK YOU!!

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