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I've grown up with my mom having MS, once I was a teenager it was just her and I, and I have always felt responsible for what happens to her. About 6 years ago she broke her hip, the same day I found out I was pregnant with my third child, and she's been in nursing homes ever since.


The one she is currently in, she has been there over 4 years now. It was going okay until about a year ago, a nurse started working there who is a bully and things have been downhill since she started. My mom (as well as other residents that staff has decided they don't like) are purposely neglected and staff lie to her to make fun. My mom is now fully bedridden and needs to be assisted with her meals. I have filed state reports, worked with the ombudsman and contact the ADON very often. She is the only head person there who will stick up for my mom. The staff who gangs up together will often leave her in bed for the day (she enjoys the routine of getting into her wheelchair everyday, makes her feel human) and in a wet diaper until I call the ADON. Weekends I've started to contact the administrator since no one else will help her. An ex employee has verified with me everything and she told me I need to get my mom out of there. With the lockdown I can't tour other nursing homes and it sounds like the ones in the area aren't very good either.


My mom is on hospice and her hospice nurse is being very professional when she speaks with me, but she knows what goes on at the nursing home and I can tell she wants her out of there. She doesn't think my mom has very much time left, she has gotten very frail and thin since the lockdowns and has been on actively passing 3 times since July.


My main question is, does anyone have advice, experience, ideas, etc about me bringing my mom home to live with me? I have three kids, ages 5, 8 and 10. They are active with activities and school where I need to drive them around. My husband and I are starting up our own business, which helps with hours and I can work from home, but our finances are much less than before. Our house is small, I'd have to probably move our 5 year old into our bedroom and we have a dog that barks. My mom likes her quiet, not hearing children and to watch tv. Hospice will give her two nurse visits and two aide visits (to help with bathing) a week. They are researching how many hours we could get a caregiver through her insurance, but in TN I've heard it's not much. She can't be left home alone. All this sounds to me like I shouldn't do it, but I can't deal with how she is being treated at the nursing home.

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Sorry you didn’t take my advice...I’m afraid you will regret your decision...not to look for better facility. Good luck...Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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First thing I would do is talk to a lawyer! there is obvious neglect and abuse going on.
I would then begin the process of bringing her home.
With Hospice you will have the help and the equipment that you need to care for her.
Hospice also has Volunteers that can come in and sit with mom so you can get out to run a few errands.
If things get to the point that you can not manage mom at home Hospice does typically have a Hospice In Patient facility that they can bring mom to so you can get a break. (Medicare will pay for Respite and she/you ARE eligible for that)
By the way I am NOT one that suggests a law suit but I think in this case it is warranted if for no other reason than to prevent the same thing happening to another resident. You have done what you can taking it to the Administration and working with the Ombudsman.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Thank you so much for everyone’s response. I took all sides into consideration. I found out she is eligible for at minimum 35 hours of home care each week. I decided to bring her home. Glad I did, she’s having one of her episodes where she comes close to passing away (it’s been happening more and more often lately). Id rather her here where I can peak in at her at all time. Hospice thinks she was holding on until she felt she was in a safe place to pass. We shall see but I’m glad she’s here at the moment.
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mstrbill Nov 29, 2020
Wow, that's terrific news! I'm wondering how she's eligible/who's paying for the home care. It would help others out if they knew potentially there are resources out there they may not have been aware of.
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I think notgoodenough's answer is one to seriously consider in your situation. Unless you can get a a full- time caregiver to assist, having your mom at home could be extremely difficult. Do look for self-standing hospice facilities in your area. Some hospitals have hospice care within the hospital building(s) but totally separate from other departments.
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Reply to peace416
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At least if you bring mom home, you will not have to worry about her being mistreated and getting good care.

Remember, these facilities are a business. Some (most) are after that dollar.

She is MOM. Worth every sacrifice,
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Reply to haileybug
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Leave her where she is unless you want to kiss your life bye bye...& become a full time caregiver to your mother. Hugs 🤗
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Would you be able to move her to be a better nursing home? Take virtual tours.

I agree with others that moving her into your busy home isn't the best thing. She needs full time attention that is difficult to do when you have a family.
If you hire a full time caregiver to help her in your home, that can help. Otherwise, she needs a facility.

Al the best
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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Eb, you are in a terrible position in which there are no "right" answers. I'm sorry this is looming over you, especially coming into the holidays.

I just went through the hospice at home journey with mom.

I want to bring up a few other points that you may not have thought of.

If you bring mom home on hospice, she is going to die at home. I know that logically, you are aware of this. Are you ready for the emotional part of that?

It was the absolute hardest thing I had to do, while mom was actively dying, was to NOT call 911, not call anyone for help, to just let nature take it's course. This goes against everything I am, everything I was ever trained for. When you're a first responder, as I was, it is practically a dereliction of duty, to stand by while someone is dying and not TRY to do something, or to call for someone who might be able to do something. I knew, logically, it was what mom wanted. I knew, logically, that is was the biggest gift I could give her, to let her go peacefully, with no pain. Emotionally, I was a wreck.

We use the term "death with dignity". But as a body shuts down, very undignified things happen - normal things, but agonizing to witness. I can tell you about 2 hours before my mom passed, I was sitting in a chair in her bedroom hugging myself, begging God to just take her! Just take her! My husband sat with me, I told him "I can't do this anymore!" Of course I could, and I did. But it was excruciating.

Can you sit and witness that? How able will you be to shield your children, in a small house, from witnessing that? Your kids are old enough now to have a rudimentary understanding of death, but seeing someone actively die is scary, even for those of us who have witnessed it before.

I understand you are very unhappy with where mom is now, and rightfully so.

You might want to see if there are any hospices in your area that have a residential facility - it might mean switching hospice providers - some have a "hospice house" they offer. It really might be the best solution to an impossible situation.

(((hugs))) to you and your family, I'll keep you all in my thoughts.
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Daughterof1930 Nov 19, 2020
You make excellent points that deserve consideration. My adult son arrived within a couple of hours before my dad died, and though I’d tried my best to prepare him, he was totally unprepared for what he witnessed and he was simply devastated. He has a brain injury, with a load of complexities that come with that, was very close to his grandfather, and though he insisted he wanted to be there, it was impossibly hard for him. I’ve counted it a blessing to be there through the end, but certainly have some harsh, difficult memories of the last days and hours. I do wish a hospice residential place had been an option for us, in my dad’s case the only one comes with the hospice company with the worst reputation
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Haileybug--

I don't mean to pick at you--but you seem to have a hard time seeing all sides of a situation.

No one is saying that Mom is not important. BUT, moving mom in with a young family, esp a family that is young, very active and busy with extracurricular activities, etc., is a terrible idea.

If mom was a 'help'--perhaps that would be different. This mom sounds as if she would require a lot of help and the people who would suffer would be the kids and very likely the marriage.

My brother moved my mother in with him and his family 23 years ago and has regretted it everyday since. It has messed up their family dynamic so very much--there isn't room to describe how one little woman could possibly cause so much drama and grief.

It would be better for the OP to work within the system to get her mom the care she needs. It can take time, I know, and sometimes several moves to facilities that mesh well with mom's personality. Right now, with COVID, we are all just holding our collective breaths.

I doubt, very highly, that many people on this board will say that MOM is 'as important' as husband and kids. They are important, yes, but in a totally different way. I DO NOT think I am nearly as important to my kids as their own family units. Most people don't.

As a realist, I know I could wind up in an ALF, very easily, I do not want to live with ANY of my 5 kids. I don't expect it and I don't want it.

I hope you don't have to put your mom in a home, but be careful for what you swear you will never do--you never know.
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haileybug Nov 19, 2020
Midkid

You are not bothering me. You are fine. Don't worry, I am used to people on here wanting to argue and fight with me over my heartfelt "opinion." Just because my opinion is different.

I understand your point of view, however, please allow me my side of view.

I have witnessed many, many times residents being mistreated in these facilities. There are so many I can not tell you all of them. I will, however, share a few.

When I was doing my nursing clinicals, I watched how staff talked and treated the residents. They talked any disrespectful way to them and if the resident could not feed themselves, Lord have mercy. Those folks may have gotten a couple of spoon fulls. A nurse told me that I could not take my time feeding a resident.

My grandmother had alz and was in a Memory Care Unit. My dad had to go to the nursing facility every single evening to feed his mom at dinner. He told me if he did not go there and take the time to feed her, she wouldn't get to eat. The nurses would not take the time to feed grandmother or any other person that required assistance.

My other grandmother also had alz and was in a Memory Care Unit. She ended up in the hospital with phnemonia and passed. There were hand marks on her chest where someone there apparantly hit her.

When my husband and I had his brother transferred to a Memory Care Unit closer to home, the Administrator told us they had his brother on a very powerful drug and that it was such a high dosage that it could "KILL" him. She looked terrified.

The administrator explained that facilities will do this "overdosing" basically so the resident want require much attention. He ended up in a hospital for 8 months because they had his medicine all messed up.

My parent's neighbor has alz and his wife has cancer. She refuses to put him in a facility because the staff already warned her that they would medicate him to a zombie state.

There is so much. I just can't tell you all.

I think I have provided enough information as to why I would not recommend anyone to send a family member to a facility. Of course, I do understand it is not feasible for everyone to do so.

With this being said, In my "opinion" If the OP is capable, I would make sacrifices to take care of mom. Of course it is her decision either way. Just my "opinion."

Also, please understand that I never "swore" that I wouldn't put my mom in a nursing home. For one, I do not believe in "swearing."

Correct me if I am wrong but I stated I pray to the Lord I will never have to put my mom in a facility. That I would do everything within me to not have to.

Again, you are ok with me. I understand where you are coming from. Hope you understand me as well

Be Blessed
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AnnReid

I will have to say, "MOM" is "as important" as husband and children.

I am praying to the Lord that I will never have to place my mom in a facility.
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Reply to haileybug
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The way I see it is that your obligation now is to your own husband, the children who are extremely young and who will not be able to honor Mom's wishes to have them seen and not heard.
You are telling us the reasons this will not work, your being gone a lot, your dog, your children, your small home, the new business, the running around. So you already KNOW why this won't work and why it's a bad idea.
You say that hospice has indicated to you that your Mom likely does not have long. That may be true. That may not be true, but before you decide to bring your Mom home I want you to imagine that it is NOT true. I want you to imagine just exactly how you will do this 24/7 with three small children for perhaps 5 years, for perhaps a decade.
The cycle moves forward. We have parents who care for us. We grow up and have children of our own to raise. They grow up and move on to raise THEIR children. There are no good, easy, right answers; not everything is fixable.
Only you can make this choice, but riding on your own choice is your husband, already taxed with a new business in these times, and your children. When the day dawns that you know even your MOM is not happy with this sacrifice (and it will come as you describe her as intolerant of noisey children, dogs, et al)--well, just saying that if you choose to do this, recognize that the day WILL come. Again, only you can make this choice. I hope you have discussed it thoroughly with your husband.
Hailey asks you the question,
What is more important than your mother.
For me, the answer is instant and certain. My own children and my husband and the lives we have together, which MUST survive these hard times WHOLE and functioning. There is no question in my mind of my own answer, and I had a wonderful Mom, who taught me that this must ALWAYS be my answer.
I wish you luck. Whatever decision you make, I wish you the very best, and your Mom as well.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Bring your mother home. You have already given good reasons why she should not be in the Nursing Facility. I think you have a clear picture of what goes on there.

I can ensure you that they will not give her the care that you will.

Ask yourself a question. What in this life is more important than your mom?
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AnnReid Nov 19, 2020
Your children and your husband, in answer to your question.
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You are in a terrible position and there is no good choice - it's really a choice between bad and worse. Given your circumstances, I think bringing your mother into your home would be worse for everyone.

If I were in your shoes, I would call the ADON immediately, get the nurse's full name and license number, visit the TN Board of Nursing at https://apps.tn.gov/licenses/ to verify the nurse's license number, and then report her to the TN Board of Nursing.

The hospice nurse who *sees* what's going on at the nursing is in breach of her duty as a nurse to report neglect and abuse of patients. Write down dates and times you spoke with the hospice nurse and what was said. Also write down dates and times you spoke with the ADON about your mother's treatment by nursing home staff.

Not only would I report the nurse to the TN Board of Nursing, but I would file a complaint against the nursing home with CMS Office of Inspector General, who oversees nursing homes. In TN you can reach out to
https://www.tn.gov/health/health-professionals/hcf-main/filing-a-complaint.html
or call 1-877-287-0010 to file a complaint.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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I agree your plate is already full and once you do it there may be no turning back. Take it from someone who is in your shoes with mom living with us and we are about at our Wits end with what to do with her. Every day we think it will be okay and then something else pops up. Good luck
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Reply to Maine127
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You have already answered your own question when you said "All this sounds to me like I shouldn't do it", and you are right. You shouldn't do it. If you think your life is crazy and hectic now, just wait until you move your mom(that requires 24/7 care) in a too small house with 3 small children, and a dog. It's sweet of you to even consider that, but you have to be realistic and know that that option just wouldn't work out for anyone, including mom.

But what would work out, is you moving her to another facility. I know you say that places aren't allowing tours now because of Covid. However most if not all are doing virtual tours, so you can check them out from the comfort of your home. I wish you the very best in finding a new facility for your mom to live out her days.

And as far as the nursing home she is currently in, shame on them for allowing such negligence to go on in their facility. Why would they allow people to work for them that don't really care about their patients and treat them so cruelly? That is absolutely horrific! I will remind you that what goes around comes around, and they all will have to answer to God someday about their actions here on earth, so be prepared.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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It sounds, to me, that you shouldn't do it either. Your life is much to busy to take this on. Your family needs you.
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Reply to gladimhere
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You are a caring daughter. I would definitely re-think moving her into your home. Your plate is already full. I think I would look for another nursing home. From reading your post, I think moving her into your home could create the perfect recipe for extreme stress, overwhelm and burnout for everyone.
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