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Rhernandez20 Asked February 2021

What is wrong with me??

I can't take this anymore!! My elderly father talks so badly about me to the care takers. Yesterday we got into a shouting match and he told me I was going to go blind, because god was going to punish me for not honoring my parents. I only gave up my life to come in and care for him. I made the decision to get my own apartment. I am not walking away 100% but I need to find peace and if going away for 1 week or days is going to bring me peace I feel like I have to do it. I have talked to friends about it in the past and they always change my mind. I hear things like that's crazy you are wasting money. My peace is worth more then anything. Oh and btw I am not the only child there are 4 more who have not set foot in 3 yrs!!! So what the hell is wrong with me!!!

Sunnydayze Feb 2021
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I think because you are a professional in the healthcare field...everything sort of morphed upon you! I believe it is quite common for those working in helping professions to take on a rescuer mentality. Sincerely think about the following:
1. The necessity of making your physical and mental health a priority.
2. Options for your dad's physical safety, nutrition and cleanliness.
3. Creating a life of your own where you thrive and experience moments of peace and joy.

You deserve these three things, just by being born! Your dad is using "not honoring your parents" as a weapon to control you...even though his mind is probably not clear. Please take care of yourself and write out a plan to restructure and recreate your own life.

Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
I have been reading everyone's responses over and over again. The more i read the better i feel. THANK YOU ALL. God bless

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FarFarAway Feb 2021
I am 1 of 2 kids and it has fallen on me also. My father had brain surgery last year and the recovery is slow and probably not full. He has pulled out my hair , punched me and almost every time I am there he has called me a stupid b***h, Yesterday he cornered me in a doorway, enraged because I wouldn't let him leave the front door open (-20 degrees) He wasn't the best parent, told me I am stupid my whole life but in all fairness, he wasn't the worst.
I cannot deal with the verbal abuse.. My sibling always has a reason she can't help and as the child on the pedestal, no one questions her. The thing that gets me is the look of triumph on his face when he is calling me names. I don't know what is wrong with me either. I go to help my mum, who I would do anything for but I am slowly melting away inside.

nancyhuff52 Feb 2021
There is nothing wrong with you, if it with your brothers/sisters not wanting to help. Keeping your mental and physical health is number one. Tell them you are placing your dad in a nursing home, anyone want take him in. They are using you so they can work, live life without burden of caring for their father. His mind has gone bad it's time to let go

Daughterof1930 Feb 2021
It would only be wrong of you if you stuck around for more bad treatment. It doesn’t matter what others have chosen to do in the situation, no one should be abused and yelled at. Please don’t argue any more, it’s not helping. Getting away is your help
Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
Yes, you're right it just leaves me feeling guilty and depressed.
lealonnie1 Feb 2021
Why would there be 'something wrong with YOU' when it's your father who suffers from dementia and is spewing all sorts of gibberish at you? We have a poster here who's parents have told her that they will never get Covid-19 b/c they are so holy; that only 'bad' people get the virus b/c that's what they deserve; a plague from God.

BS is BS, and it must be recognized as such. Which is not to say that you should subject yourself to abuse in any form. Keeping your own apartment is the wise thing to do, and keeping your contact minimized with your father is another wise thing. You say he has 'care takers', so that's all he needs. What time you choose to give him is of YOUR choosing.

You are trying to 'do the right thing' by caring for your father, so now you have to ask yourself how much is 'too much'? Give only the minimum that you are capable of, with the rest of the jobs you have to do, and realize that it's plenty.

Best of luck!

AlvaDeer Feb 2021
I would say that your siblings have made the right choice.
I would like to ask if your father was always "this way". I suspect he has been. There is honestly little to do but walk away for such a person. They are then in charge of their own lives so long as they can be, and sheltered by the State when they cannot be. Somewhat similar to those who have chosen not to have any children.
I hope you will have the courage to follow your own good advice to now get your own place and your own job. I wish you great good luck.
Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
Yes he has always been that way. I have 3 jobs caring for my dad, working full time as a Medical Assistant in a catholic school clinic and PRN agency.
I have been in the medical field for 32 yrs so you see caring has been a big part of my life.
funkygrandma59 Feb 2021
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And thank God you were smart enough to get your own apartment. Please keep it and don't move back in with your father. Your mental health is worth every penny you spend on the apartment. And honestly, it's probably time you cut way back on whatever care you've been providing him, and let his paid caregivers do the brunt of things. It sounds like that will be much healthier for you in the long run. No one deserves to be treated like crap, when all you're trying to do is help. Parent or not, please don't continue to put up with his nonsense. You owe him nothing. Please understand that. Your other 3 siblings have already figured that out, and now it's time that you do. Enjoy your peace and quiet in your apartment.

JoAnn29 Feb 2021
Geaton said it all. Get your own apartment.

As said, your Dad has a Dementia. They seem to target the one that is "there". And, there seems to be that one child that has more compassion or...is looking for something that they didn't get from that parent like love. Well now, Dad doesn't have the ability to show empathy let alone love. Is there a reason why the other children have nothing to do with him? I asked my Moms Neurologist if the personality changes when u have Dementia. He said if the person was nice before, they will be after. If the person was mean before, they will be after. If the person was nice before but mean after...the were really mean before, they just were able to cover it up.

When my Mom was a child there was no SS or Medicaid. People had to take parents in when they no longer could do for themselves or a spouse died. My Grandmom always had someone living with her other than her children. But, the last 50 yrs have changed. In a marriage two people need to work to make ends meet. If your single, you have to work. There's now SS, not much for some but its better than nothing. Medicaid for those with no money for care. And agencies to step in when there is no family.

What you may "owe" this man is to make sure he is safe and cared for. Which it looks like he is. You do not owe him your life. You don't allow him to abuse you. You walk away. He has caregivers. Get that apartment. You can do what needs to be done from afar. We had one member who seemed to "trigger" her LO, she had to learn to walk away. Let yourself come home to peace and quiet. See him when u want keeping in touch with aides daily, once a week, or just let them call when they need something.

I have a feeling there is some history here. Either physical abuse or verbal. There is a reason why the other siblings have backed off.
Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
My father also has narcissistic traits, but he's still a human being and most of all he's my father. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with some dementia, but i only see the same hateful person i have always known, that's why it's hard for me to believe he has it. The caretaker tells me there is nothing wrong with him, his mind is good he knows what he does and what he says. I have done everything i possibly could, I'm just drained.
No one knows the cross i am carrying.
cwillie Feb 2021
I counter with what is wrong with your friends who look at the financial aspect as though it matters more than your peace of mind? What is wrong with your father who bites the hand that feeds him? If he wants to quote the bible at you quote back John 21:18. Make your move, and stop taking abuse from those around you - your life is every bit as valuable as his.

And my mother paid me for the work I did, I came cheaper than an outsider would have so it was a benefit for both of us - some monetary compensation could make the bitter pill of lack of gratitude easier to swallow.
Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
Thank you for your words of encouragement. God bless you
Geaton777 Feb 2021
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you - except perhaps you have a very tender conscience and an abundance of compassion for your father's situation. You are possibly in Burn Out. You also may need to learn a little more about dementia so that you can realize that arguing with someone with cognitive decline who is deluded and irrational will exhaust you. He can't help it and you must not engage with it. The other caregivers may be savvy enough to know this and realize that he's not telling truth.

Perhaps you feel pressured to be engaged in family care due to cultural pressures. No one can force you to do something that is wrecking you. Perhaps there are financial barriers to providing adequate care for him. There can be solutions to this as well.

Your siblings are not obligated to join you in orbiting around your father, as much as this seems "unfair". It is a wise saying on this forum that family won't look for other solutions if YOU are ALL the solutions already. Inform your siblings of your resignation. They won't like it and will bring A LOT of pressure onto you, but don't engage in any emotional discussions with them. Tell them the truth: you are burnt out and need to tend to your needs now. I think you need more than a short break since your dad is only going to need more and more care and his behaviors will be more and more challenging.

Teepa Snow has some very insightful videos about dementia on YouTube. You may find the helpful. I wish you courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you look forward to personal restoration.
Rhernandez20 Feb 2021
You are 100% correct! Thank you

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