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Katarine Asked December 2020

Elderly father with diagnosed mild to mid Alzheimers in retirement home in a relationship with fellow resident who has now moved in with him.

My Elderly father has diagnosed mild to mid Alzheimers and lives in a retirement home. A resident female across the hall has now moved into his suite. She previously had done the same with another male resident until his family moved him to another residence. Shortly after she targeted my father. During 8 months of lockdown at the retirement residence and as his brain has deteriorated somewhat he is completely dependent on her and only listens to her versus me, his daughter and POA. She has made efforts to diminish communications with family, does not report all health information, and is encouraging him to change POA. I have fully informed the retirement residence management who will not return my calls. I am unable to enter the residence, he is unable to use the internet, and she is beside him and coaching on all our telephone conversations. I am happy he is not lonely and has found love at 95 years but she is undermining his family relationships, and jeopardizing his business affairs. He has significant resources and we believe that is her long term goal. We tried to get her to sign a cohabitation agreement as suggested by our/his lawyer but she refused. He fully supports her decision. We are at a loss as to what to do next.

MJ1929 Dec 2020
I cannot emphasize enough that Assisted Living is not Memory Care, and that people with significant memory issues should not be living in an assisted living situation.

Get him out of there immediately, because he's just a sitting duck otherwise. This is exploitation of a vulnerable adult and what that woman is doing is illegal. Unfortunately, the facility really can't do much for what are supposedly adults over the age of consent, because again, THEY AREN'T A MEMORY CARE FACILITY. If he hasn't been certified as incompetent to handle his own business, there's nothing anyone can really do. You need to fix this immediately.

lealonnie1 Dec 2020
Tell you what..........if it were me, I'd march right down to this 'retirement home' and get right up in the Executive Director's face, masked, of course. I'd demand to know WHAT in the name of Sam Hill was going on, and I would not leave until I was satisfied with his or her full explanation. It's not okay for another resident to 'move in' to your father's suite that HE is paying for, nor is it okay for your calls not to be returned. There is an Ombudsman to call for such things.

You, as your father's POA, get to make ALL of his decisions FOR him. And you did NOT decide it was okay for this woman to move in with him. Period.

You have rights and you have a voice. If neither one is going to be heard, get dad out of there and make sure you report this place b/c it's going to happen AGAIN to the next poor sod who moves in to your dad's room.

Good luck!

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Marcia732 Dec 2020
I would move him. It's sad, but if she's done this before and the facility knows it and is letting it happen again, he isn't safe there anymore.

ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
What do you mean this lady "does not report all health information"? She is just a resident at the facility, right? Shouldn't health info be coming from his care team?

I also wonder why this facility is not calling you back, especially when this woman has had a similar issue before. You said your dad has significant resources, maybe he should be moved to a better place that will return your calls!

Okay- I thought this sounded familiar- and it's because you already posted about it.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-father-challenges-my-poa-status-constantly-believing-he-can-control-his-affairs-any-advice-464005.htm?orderby=oldest

Use your dad's significant resources to get him to a better facility.

NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2020
Call your dad's attorney immediately and request that he write a letter stating that the woman must leave your dad's apartment immediately and cannot enter his apartment. Have the letter served on the woman and resident director by process server. You may need a restraining order until you figure out if your dad should move to memory care.

AlvaDeer Dec 2020
Is he competent to make his own decisions is really the only question here. If he is not you would be wise, given that money is not a stumbling block, to seek guardianship. Do know, however, that a judge will NOT give guardianship to a senior who defends himself competently in court.
NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2020
Most elders with a "mild to mid" dementia diagnosis are not capable of defending themselves in court. It's not like the man will be able to pretend competence for a few minutes and pull one over on the judge. It's a lengthy process and without help from his daughter, he will more than likely fall flat on his face and his deficits will be laid bare.

Daughterof1930 Dec 2020
When you say you’ve informed the management, what was their response? Not returning your calls is unacceptable. Does the lease allow others to live in a unit and/or without paying for it? Your dad can’t change POA or other documents with the diminished capacity of dementia but stranger things have happened. You may be facing what the other family did in moving dad. Sorry you’re dealing with this

Grandma1954 Dec 2020
Since he has dementia (and it sounds like she does not, although you did not say) I would move him to Memory Care.
Someone with dementia should not have access to a computer particularly if they are or can be influenced by outsiders.
I find it difficult to fathom why the management will not return your calls. If this singular resident has forced one other family to transfer a resident to another facility I would think that they would step in since this will happen again and again.
Contact your dads lawyer aka your lawyer since you have POA and he, your dad, has diminished capacity and maybe a strongly worded letter from the lawyer will force some action from the facility.
but again I would look into a transfer to Memory Care.

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