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IslandDesert Asked December 2020

My family or my mom? Help!

14 months ago, my family brought my mom into our home to care for her after my father passed a few months prior. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety nearly every waking hour from 9 am to 9 pm. She has some of the best psychiatrists over the past 15 years, none of which have been able to help her. She is essentially resistant to all medication. My family consists of my wife, two children and mom. We have full-time caregiving for approximately 60 hours a week. Despite the caregiving support, our home feels as if it has turned into a hospital. My mom grunts, breathes heavily and ruminates off and on throughout the day. You can hear her through the walls even when she is in her room. We have no family support to ease the burden and give us a break. One sibling was emotionally abusive until we decided to care for her. Another is a homeless drug addict and the last remaining one simply refuses to help under the guise that they "can't handle it."


Our once peaceful, loving home now feels as if it is under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy creating tremendous stress among my wife and kids. My wife, who is an empath, and took care of her from morning till night for the first 8 months is beginning to become physically ill from the constant stress.
We have researched assisted living facilities and luxury group homes. Last month, we even decided on a group home. It was beautiful, clean, the caregivers were awesome. The night we brought her was the first time we saw the 9 other residents and it felt like hospice. We brought her home the next day thinking we could power through and make it work, but we can't.
She requires constant supervision. She can go the bathroom and eat. Anything else, she literally needs someone with her. She would not receive the one on one care she needs in an assisted living facility or group. Left to her own, she would lay in her bed all day. She has no desire to live as she has been battling this for years.
Money is not an object, but I really do not know where to turn. I want her to be loved and cared for as best as possible. Not sure if there are upscale nursing homes or what. Any suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.

XenaJada Dec 2020
Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
SoVeryExhausted Dec 2020
OMG. Exactly. 🤔
lealonnie1 Dec 2020
Bring her back to the group home. What makes your mom different from the other 9 residents who live there, if I may ask? You say she has no desire to live and would be lying in bed all day if left to her own devices. That sounds no different to me than the other 9 residents in the beautiful, clean group that has awesome caregivers. You KNOW your mother will get one-on-one care there, since there are so few residents. Vs. a nursing home where there would be MANY more residents and your mother might not get as much one-on-one attention.

I vote for the group home you changed your mind about. ALL of these places are going to house people in various stages of what I like to call 'disrepair'. They're old, they're sick, some are wheelchair bound, some can't communicate......it's one thing or another. Your mother grunts, breathes heavily, and ruminates throughout the day HERSELF, so what differentiates her from the rest of the group home residents? She's beyond help, as all the medications and psychiatrists in the world have told you.

It's time for your family to live again, to get your mother out of your home and to take your peaceful loving home BACK. You all deserve it.

Best of luck!
XenaJada Dec 2020
^^THIS!^^
Your mom is going to be miserable NO MATTER WHERE she is living.
Better she moan and lay in bed somewhere else.
Take back your life.

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funkygrandma59 Dec 2020
Your family must always come first. Keep searching for a nice place for mom. And since you say money is no object, you really shouldn't have any trouble finding a really nice place for her to live. If you're worried about one on one help, you can always hire some outside help(like you have now) to assist her at whatever facility you choose.

Another thought is you can rent a small apartment near by for her, where she can continue to have caregivers stay with her 24/7 as well. She needs to be out of your house, if having her there is causing your wife to become ill. Wife has to come before mom. Best wishes.
AlvaDeer Dec 2020
Funkygrandma, I couldn't agree more with everything you have written. I send my best wishes to the OP as well, in this difficult decision.
Daughterof1930 Dec 2020
May I gently say, just because you love your mother and view her through a different lens than the residents of the group home, doesn’t mean she’s better or different. Sadly, “happy” is over for your mother, if it was ever truly there. It’s a hard reality to pick between the best of your rotten options for a person with no good options. But it’s much worse to sacrifice your family in service to one who will never be better. Please reconsider the group home you found, I think it was the answer you weren’t ready to see. I wish you peace in this

sjplegacy Dec 2020
There really is no question here. You can and should be concerned about your mom's well being. That means insuring a safe and healthy environment for her. However, your primary obligation is to your wife and kids. That's a vow you voluntarily made on your wedding day. I certainly don't mean for you to lessen your concern for your mom but you can do both. Obviously, keeping mom at home isn't the answer. You've already recognized the situation is creating a “toxic” environment. You will continue to care for her by providing an acceptable new home for her. Keep looking for the best facility you can find.

But I have a question. It appears you were impressed with the group home but removed her after a day. You said it felt like hospice. What did you mean? The facility was neat and clean and the caregivers were awesome. You may have passed on a good thing. What were your expectations? The key to a great facility is the caregivers, their interaction and concern for the residents. You might want to revisit that place.

I wish you a successful placement of your mom and your return to a “normal” family life.
xrayjodib Dec 2020
Sjple,

Well said!
Maggiemay1971 Dec 2020
Placed my mom in residential group home 6 weeks ago. Best decision (albeit hard) I ever made. Before that mom was a manic mess and not safe. Like your mom all she can do for herself is toilet herself and eat. She’s legally blind so there is limitations there. She thanks me everyday and tells me “I love it here”. Everything has improved. Her cognitive ability, her anxiety, her outlook. She no longer wishes she would die. And this improvement came even with COVID restrictions in place. Good luck!
Joyelanahan Dec 2020
Is the private pay?
ZippyZee Dec 2020
Your family. Always your family.

There's nothing wrong with mom besides anxiety and depression? Put her in a home and let her adjust.

BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
You say that your home feels as if it's under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy. It feels that way because it is. You don't mention that your mom has Alzheimer's/dementia so I'm going to assume that she doesn't. Here's the thing about depression and anxiety nothing will help it if the person who has it isn't willing to help themselves to get better. I suffer from both and this is the truth. You can't have your mother living in your house anymore. As much you love her and your kids do too make her move out. I know that you and your family want to see her well and help mom, but keeping someone in your house who is like this will ruin your life and your kids lives as well.
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
So true, BC!
OldBob1936 Dec 2020
Bless you for your gold-plated devotion to your mom. As someone else said, however, she WILL be miserable no matter where she lives. You would not be abandoning her if she is in a AL or group home environment. I am thinking that perhaps in your home she is often in bed much of the time...If so, how is that different than being in a group home in bed most of the time?

If and when you do place her in another facility, I urge you to ration incoming phone calls from her and only accept such calls for an hour at a fixed time of day...If the caregivers at the facility see something is not right, then they can call you anytime on the facility phone.

At the moment it seems to me that this wonderful but confused elderly lady is the rudder that is steering the family ship...

As you decide what to do, I offer God's
Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

Texasgal Dec 2020
Your mother has lived her life - do not drag your family down any further. I understand being an "empath" and the emotional toll it takes. I'm highly sensitive to "energy" and my mom who is a full-blown narcissist brought chaos, negative energy, manipulation, and a toxic energy to my home too. For 3 years I was becoming more and more ill with heart palpitations, low energy, depression, etc. She had a stroke and is now in AL. It's very nice and she is getting the care and attention she needs. And I'm getting my life back slowly. I literally felt like I had PTSD. The pandemic has also made for a most difficult year. I had multiple tests run and am very thankful there is nothing amiss - which makes me totally believe it was all mental. Stress can and will kill you slowly. Get her out of your house! There are plenty of good places. Take back your peaceful home. Or you will regret it!

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