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FreckleBut Asked December 2020

Should I feel bad for abandoning my mother?

My older brother is the main caregiver for my Mom. For over a month I have been trying to assist in her care because my brother sometimes acts like he can't do it. I got her on hospice care with nurses, cnas, massage therapy and counseling. I have been going to their house almost every day to meet these people and get them into the home. As well as randomly going in at other times to help clean her, spend time with her, check on the house, buy them groceries and other items, and other requested things. Almost every single time I go to the house my brother yells at me, insults me, tries to manipulate me (so that he can go out and gamble) or he crawls into his bed and covers his head up and refuses to speak. I can't handle the abuse anymore. I feel so bad because I should have put my mother in a nursing home rather than getting hospice care and leaving her with him. She says she wants to stay in the house with him. I just want to cry constantly and am under so much stress from my own life events, trying to navigate her care, and then ontop of all of it being verbally abused. I just want someone to tell me I am okay.

funkygrandma59 Dec 2020
First off, you have not abandoned your mother. Sounds like you're doing an awful lot for her. You are probably correct though that you should have put mom in a nursing facility, as after reading your profile, it certainly seems like your brother is barely able to care for himself, let alone your mom. It's not too late to look for a nice facility to place her in. She can still remain under hospice care while in the facility too, so she will have extra sets of eyes on her, and they will still send their aides to bathe her there, and the hospice nurse will just visit her there instead of the home she's in now. In the meantime I would like to think if the hospice nurse or aides that are now coming to the house, see any neglect or abuse that they would report it. I'm sorry that you're under so much stress. Being a caregiver is extremely stressful, and add to that life's other stresses, and sometimes it can just be too much. You are doing the best you can, so cut yourself some slack. However don't tolerate any kind of abuse from your brother. That is unexceptable. And yes, you are ok. You're just human like the rest of us.

AlvaDeer Dec 2020
Your Mother wants to stay in the home with her Son caring for her and I honestly think that is kind of the beginning and the end of it where that is concerned for now.
Your brother sounds as though he is stressed to the max (unless this has been his lifelong norm). He is diving under the covers, and he is wanting to go out to the casinos? Sounds like he truly needs a break. I think we can't know if you are talking gambling addiction or just loving the trip to the casino for a break (I adore that occasionally and miss it).
Have you had a normally great relationship with your bro that is now deteriorating, or has it always been a little adversarial.
Can't say how much I admire your trying to help; and I would hope you will continue to do that to the best of your ability.
And hey, I think you are better than OK. You are trying to help, and are frustrated. We all have our problems and we all have our limitations. Try to be as gentle and loving with all as you are able, and as understanding. That's about the best you can really do.
FreckleBut Dec 2020
He has always been adversarial and I am pretty sure it is a gambling addiction. When I was 11-12 and he was in his 20's, and he came home to visit I would hide in my room, hide out in nature or try to go to a friend's house because he consistently acted out, yelling, accusations, name calling, manipulation. The problem is that like any abuser he says he is sorry and show he is doing all these "things" taking medications and going to counseling but as soon as he gets extra money he will start all over again "acting out" until he can go gamble. Mom has always forgiven him, leaving me to pick up and fix everything.

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