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Dawnny Asked October 2020

My mom is very lazy and has an 'I don't care' attitude. How do I take care of her?

Last year my mom had an amputation due to complications from diabetes. My husband and I moved her in with us (we have no children). Our place is not the best situation, but we are working on buying a house that will be comfortable for all 3 of us.
What my problem is, is that my mother has given up on life. She is Diabetic, has chronic kidney disease and is hypertensive and her health is deteriorating because she is not taking care of herself. She has the ability to take care of herself, she just doesn't do it.
She sleeps 14 to 16 hours a day. She eats once a day and that is when we cook dinner and serve her. She stays in bed all day. When she's awake, she watches tv in bed. She uses a urinal and when it gets full she will get up to use the bathroom and dump it (which is only once a day). She's not drinking much so she is going into kidney failure.
When I try to talk to her about it, she tells me she doesn't care.
I got a call today from her kidney doctor and her kidney function is at 13%, among other things. I talked to her about it and she shrugged her shoulders and didn't say a thing to me.
I am essentially watching my mother die and she doesn't care.
I don't have the money to pay for care. I guess I just need to know what my options are and the best way to handle the situation.

JoAnn29 Oct 2020
I have a friend that chose to stop his dialysis. He had lost a leg to diabetes. He was ready and he was 69. Another friend, juvenile diabetic, 63.

I would put off buying that house.

I like the approach, do this for me to help you. I would get my ducks in a row. If she has any assets, a Will would be good. I would ask to be assigned POA, financial and medical, if u aren't already. Will make things so much easier for you. Her POA medical could read like a living will. Then she needs a DNR. You can download one for your state. A Drs signature is needed. You make sure her doctors have a copy, there is one for the EMTs and you have a copy for the nurses desk where she is. Don't expect anything sent with EMTs to make it passed the ER.

MargaretMcKen Oct 2020
Dawn, about needing her help for getting paperwork done, in view of how she feels it might be best to have the end-of-life conversation (perhaps also regarding hospice), and tell her that you are not pushing her to care for herself, get better, etc. You are asking for her help for yourself, because without it you will be in a real mess when she goes. She may be happier to co-operate for your sake than because it’s yet another thing that ‘she ought to do’.

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lealonnie1 Oct 2020
You can't save a person from herself. Accept your mother's wish to stop the suffering and to transition to the next phase of eternal life, since there is really nothing you can do to prevent it. Ask her doctor for a hospice evaluation so she can get comfort care to manage her pain as she approaches the end of her life. Anti depressants at this stage of the game seems like too little, too late.

I'm really sorry you have to endure such a thing, it's awful. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
Dawnny Oct 2020
I never thought of a hospice evaluation, thank you I will look into that.
AlvaDeer Oct 2020
You call her lazy and it is your opinion she doesn't care?
Have you thought that perhaps she is exhausted with all of this, hopeless, and wanting peace now. Perhaps she is ready to "go" ?
Diabetes effects all systems, taking them down one after another, and you may be correct that your mother doesn't wish to cope with it anymore. At some point it becomes "What am I living for? One more Season of Better Call Saul? One more book? One more blossoming of the peach tree?" Some people do get tired. They do actually wish to go to peace and rest. I think the key here is to speak with Mom, ask if she thinks she should discuss depression with her doctor. Let her talk. If she doesn't want heroic measures to live then it is time to get the Health Care Directive done so that no one attempt to do dialysis on her if she doesn't want it. It is exhausting, grueling, endless, and everything is about it. I would never have it; I say that as an RN who already has that written on MY directive.
You are there now to love her the time she has left and to honor and support her in her decisions. Let her say her piece. Let her have the right to decide if this is just too hard for her. Support her choices, because eventually EVERY SINGLE CHOICE we have gets made for us, not by us.
Your Mom has diabetes and her kidneys are in fact failing. There is little you can do about that through forcing fluids, diets, etc. You can see to it she eats so well as she is able; but you need not to force her to do things for one more miserable day of life so you don't "lose her". You may have this correct. She may not care to go on. Ask her if she will discuss with you and her doctor so that she might consider trying an anti depressant, something to help, or that MAY help. But don't rob her of what she feels in her own soul for and about her own life.
Dawnny Oct 2020
Thank you for your insight. I do try to talk to her and her only answer is I don't know. She was put on anti depressants in 2015 when my father passed away the doctors reevaluated her dose when she had her amputation. I am very familiar with the effects of diabetes, it runs rampid in both sides of my family and my husband and I both have diabetes. It does get tiring taking care of yourself with a chronic illness. I have been thinking maybe she is just ready to go and I just have to support that. She does not have a will and I have been doing the paperwork to prepare for that but I am at the point where I need her imput. I pray shes cooperates.
funkygrandma59 Oct 2020
Sounds like your mom is suffering from depression. Does she take anything for that? If not, I would certainly talk to her Dr about getting her on something. Also sounds like she's given up on life(probably due to her depression), and just doesn't care about anything any more. I'm sure that's hard for you as her daughter to stand by and watch, when all you want is the best for her. But you can't control your mom and her actions. You can only control yourself, and how you will continue to deal with her. If it's getting to just be too much, then perhaps it's time she goes into a facility, where she will receive 24/7 care. She can always apply for Medicaid to pay for that. And just FYI, you shouldn't have to pay for anything when it comes for your moms care. That should all be taken care of by her Medicare/Medicaid. If you decide to keep her at home, her insurance should cover some type of in home care. Also you can ask her Dr if she might qualify for Hospice care. If she does, they will pay for all her medications and any equipment she might need. Now you will still be the full-time caregiver, as their nurse would only come out once a week and their aides twice a week to bathe her, so as you can see, the rest would be up to you, but it would be something. Hope that helps.
Dawnny Oct 2020
Thank you for your suggestions, I will be looking into it. She is on depression medications but I dont think she is taking her meds right so they probably are not working like they should.

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