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Sept2174 Asked August 2020

My father hides or loses things- money especially, and accuses family of stealing. Advice?

My father lives with my sister and her husband. Dad has his own apt but insists when he is out that my brother in law is stealing. Anything he loses and can't find. He refuses to believe that he lost anything. That he isn't stupid and knows where he put his money, bank statements, sunglasses, etc. Due to covid, he rarely leaves his apt., so he's almost always home. My sister makes sure to take my dad shopping when her husband is at work but he still believes that my brother in law is stealing. Btw, my brother in law is very good to him. He drives Dad to bank, pharmacy and sometimes surprises Dad with his favorite fast food. He has known dad for over 40 years.

AlvaDeer Aug 2020
This happens so often, and I think is one of the earlier signs of dementia that comes along. The money thing. It happened to my bro who was otherwise so very rational. He lost money, accused caregivers (to me, not to them) and I tried to explain why it was so impossible that it was them. Then, months later he found it and did not tell me. Had changed hiding place of the money he should not have been keeping with him from one place to another, and didn't find it until he shook out and restacked his towels. Then didn't tell me. Said he was terrified that this would be a "black mark" against him and he would be moved to memory care. It is so sad to see this, and it is heartbreaking when those accused are such GOOD PEOPLE. I sure don't have an answer, just to try to understand what is happening.

Geaton777 Aug 2020
I totally agree with what Alva has posted. If you or your sister are your father's PoA, I think it is time to get him a cognitive exam so that everyone knows what they're dealing with. It won't change the fact that he (probably) has the beginnings of dementia, but it will help everyone have a better understanding of what to expect and how to engage with him, as he is slowly losing his Original Self and now you must deal with his Declining Self. It is no longer about what makes him "happy" but decisions that are in his own best interests -- and they are often at odds with each other. There are creative ways to get him to this appointment and have the cognitive exam requested discretely. Come back to this forum for more helpful suggestions if you need further suggestions. I wish you all the best!

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Mepowers Aug 2020
My mother started to accuse people of stealing and other nefarious activities many years before her dementia was blatantly obvious to her friends. She was able to get around and still be independent, but her manipulation and lies drove family away. Even more recently, her friend who knows she is very confused, came to me to tell me that my mother said that someone was stealing from her and maybe I should take action against that person. Back when she was still independent, I knew her thinking was off, but there was no amount of talking to convince her she was wrong. We were only trying to “gaslight” her! It wasn’t until recently, that her friends got a clearer picture. Her friends eventually took her to the doctor and passed discreet notes to the office staff about possible dementia concerns. And she hid her dementia back then quite well. I feel for your situation. Is there someone that your father trusts that can help with his finances? My mother made a lot of financial mistakes that we had no control over and just had to stand by and let happen.
Sarah3 Aug 2020
You helped to make my point- this type of nasty malicious behavior is often not related at all to dementia, i think too many people are uninformed about attention seeking and or malicious behavior when it comes to seniors there’s a tendency by many Americans to jump and assume it has to do w dementia when it actually does not - there’s people with clearly bad character traits- lying manipulation, some have long standing personality disorders that usually go undiagnosed as most with a pd don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, they have a pervasive pattern of being manipulative, dishonest etc and it persists into older age- when it becomes more apparent due to the person needing some assistance many people assume it must be due to dementia. Your post caught my attention that your mother was engaging in lying and accusing others falsely long before she had any dementia. The only way to really preserve our own and any caregivers health sanity and best interests is for us as a society to become much more educated and informed on the two- issues such as personality disorders/ or just poor character versus dementia, so we don’t muddy the picture going forward and to protect ourselves - for those who can’t accept their parent is capable of just being bad or behaving badly it is counterproductive- try to retain a quality caregiver for length of time when the senior is engaging in these malicious behaviors and often being verbally abusive is a part of that by the senior to the caregiver or whatever close family takes care or helps them
chill47 Aug 2020
Trust me, my husband started with all sorts of accusations before I knew he dementia. The Dr. diagnosed him with LBD and I mentioned how my husband was accusing family members and myself of all sorts of horrific things, the Dr. told me, this was one of the ways the disease manifests itself and not to take things he says personally. This part I have had trouble with, because some of the things that come out of his mouth is very hurtful. I find myself biting my tongue a lot but sometimes I just explode and then I feel bad that I did, but, I am only human. Being a full time caregiver is not easy, so just pray for patience.
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Yes, you ARE human and it is so hard not to be hurt by some things that are said and done. Biting your tongue works to a point, but just the stress of dealing with ALL that dementia brings into play is enough to drive us batty! If at all possible, when you feel that irritation or anger starting to flare up, try to distance yourself from whatever he is saying or doing. Bathroom run, go outside, "remember" you have to take something out of the oven, any excuse to move away and try to burn off that anger!

Although sometimes we can't and that explosion happens, try to let it slide as best you can. As noted, you ARE only human and we can only take so much!!! The probable good news is that he likely won't remember it! At least we can hope he doesn't! Of course you do, but it is a fleeting moment and if he doesn't remember, let it go!

Be sure to get some "respite" care, if you can. You need and deserve it!
Sarah3 Aug 2020
he sounds like a jerk, how horrible for him to be so cruel and malicious towards your bil when he is being so nice to your father and allowing him to live with him, wow someone people would kick him out senior or not but let’s take the more refined route—- more often than not someone who thrives on these malicious tactics has a significant character defect- personality disorder or just a person who is envious and malicious. The fact he focuses on the brother in law suggests there’s a twisted type of envy some parents do indeed resent their child’s spouse,- I’ll get in front of the next comment I feel coming from some about dementia- this type of behavior does not have to relate in any way to dementia. —- in any case this is COMPLETELY UNFAIR to the brother in law and indirectly his wife bc she loves her husband that is hurtful and destructive to her. Sit him down and tell him with no coddling or making excuses or allowances that he will no longer be accusing bil or anyone of stealing- if he does arrangements will be made for him to have another type of care that he will like LESS or put in a no frills nursing home ( if that’s an option )
just like with a person of any age if this type of behavior is excused and coddled it will continue and get worse- the only way to handle it Is to use a tough love no enabling approach, draw a hard line in the sand if he continues to cross it then life needs to be less comfortable for him so that the brother in law and wife can retain their health and sanity
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
You have posted elsewhere and have a very narrow opinionated viewpoint. Have you ever dealt with dementia? Even if you did, there are MANY flavors of it, and each person has their own path to follow. There is no one-size-fits-all. There are common symptoms and behaviors, but each person is unique.

Yes, there are those who are naturally nasty and accusatory like this, BUT for those who were NOT like this before and this behavior crops up, then the flags go up.

Rather than just ASSUME this person is a nasty awful person (rather pretentious of you to accuse OPs dad of these things - you don't know him or them), it is best to take stock, have dad examined and rule out any possible medical issues. There ARE conditions that can mimic early dementia and many are treatable. One is undetected UTIs. While most times UTIs make themselves known through pain, many elders don't experience that. Our mother's first UTI after moving to MC resulted in severe sun-downing. She was, prior to that, well behaved, compliant and well liked by the staff. During treatment, low dose anti-anxiety had to be used to keep her from exploding every afternoon! After treatment, we didn't need it again. Subsequent UTIs have manifested as night time bed wetting.

IF this is dementia, no amount of confronting him, sitting him down to explain, threatening him, etc is going to work. In his mind, someone is stealing. It has nothing to do with his demeanor, it is how someone with dementia deals with items that are misplaced and missed. You can't argue with or reason with dementia. It is what it is. The best you can do is try to mitigate. Help him look for what's missing. Find a way to distract him with something else. Replace items that can be replaced, if you can't find them hidden somewhere.

It took hindsight to realize my mother's few complaints about someone stealing and/or taking items were very early signs of dementia. I knew nothing about dementia until she started repeating herself all the time and I knew something was wrong. Looking back, that explains those accusations. Sure, the first one she made *could* have been someone taking items, but isn't likely. The last one was accusing my OB of taking her tweezers, of all things!!! WHO would steal tweezers I asked her? They are like $2 to buy! She was adamant that he took them. There was no way to convince her otherwise, so I dropped it. I bought her another one and later, when clearing out her place, I found THREE sets in the bathroom drawer and about 5-6 in a dresser drawer!

FWIW, my mother was NEVER like this before. It WAS the dementia playing it's tricks on her mind. As a matter of fact, I can attest that it REALLY messes with their minds. Several times, before dementia showed itself, she would say she needed to clear out stuff, in case she "ever had to get outta here." When I asked what she meant, where would she go, she said AL. SO, that was in HER plans. Enter dementia. It LIES the the person. At that point, in her mind, she was fine, she was independent, she could cook. Nope. So, at this point AL was considered worse than a dungeon and she would NOT consider moving ANYWHERE. She was just FINE, thank you. Not.

Please stop assuming.
Taarna Aug 2020
The sad thing about Alzheimer's dementia is that you don't realize you have it. It isn't the short term memory that is first affected, it is the decision-making part of the brain. In dad's mind, he is still competent and reliable and "sharp." Telling him otherwise, doesn't work.

A few strategies. Give him a reloadable debit card or gift card with only a small amount of value to cover sundries. Then, if dad loses it, it isn't a huge loss. Banish cash from his life. Next, streamline his apartment so there are not too many places to "hide" anything. If something goes missing, the hunt will be easier. Try to create "homes" where things "live" all the time: money and credit cards in wallet, wallet and keys in top drawer in bedroom, glasses on face or on bedside tale or table by chair. When he does misplace something, say something like "I know how frustrating it is when I can't find something that I need. Usually, it's because I set it down someplace while thinking about something else. Let's look together and see where it may have gone."

If dad starts his usual grumble about "him" taking his stuff, don't engage in that conversation. Try to divert his conversation to another topic. BTW, dad may have had a sibling or other person in his past that used to "borrow" his things without asking. He may be reliving those moments.
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
AWESOME response and good suggestions! The "home" for items sounds great, but too often that doesn't work well. It can't hurt to try though. Absolutely confirm his concerns and offer to help - telling him you understand how frustrating it is to misplace something might trigger some negative reactions, since he is convinced whatever it is was stolen, again, it can't hurt to try!

I know I try to put things in a "usual" place, but sometimes in haste things get put down to tend to something else, then I have to backtrack through anything I did to locate it! So far it hasn't been keys in the freezer types of misplacement or me trying to hide something, just put down to free up hands to tackle something, then frustrating trying to locate it!
auntyP Aug 2020
This is the most difficult thing on earth. The parent doesn’t think there is anything wrong and you want to shake them and say you broke it. My mother insists that her hearing aids didn’t work when she got them. They cost £3k last year she has ruined them by picking the insides out of them but continues to tell me that the hearing aids I got for her are rubbish. You need a very thick skin to deal with this.
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Shame on you for buying junk hearing aids for your mom!!! (being snarky - I know you didn't.)

When dad was going downhill, she got livid with him because she left her hearing aid on the table, and while clearing up, he picked it up and tried to eat it, ruining it of course! The funny part is many years later, after he was gone, she did the very same thing herself!!! That was before dementia kicked in (at least we weren't aware of it at that time, so if she did have early signs, maybe, but it was many years later before the signs were there for someone who knew nothing about dementia! Even then, it wasn't that bad - she was able to remain in her condo for a while before we could get a place for her.)

The sad part for our expense is that she misplaced one, with help found "it", but it was broken. I got her audiologist there to get her another (she only used one.) Later, during the whole move process, YB found another in her sheets. I think the broken one was likely the one she tried to eat and never threw it away. For the first few years in MC, she was okay with "managing" it, but already was neglecting to change the battery. I would have to check and do it when I visited. I asked staff to do this every 2 weeks, but it wasn't done. After a while, I would have to search her room, find it and get it to her. Under the bed, in the bed, on the end table, numerous places! Once when asked, she said she didn't wear one. Most often she would just ask where I found it. Sadly it went through the laundry and was ruined. The new ones (got a pair, but set up both for the same ear) were rechargeable so I gave the charger to the nurse, otherwise that would disappear! She also didn't have enough sense to charge it. Number 1 didn't last but a few months. She kept taking it out and would often wrap it in tissue or a napkin. Most likely it got tossed at the end of meal time. Number 2, more often than not, is taken away from her. A lot of good it does if you don't get her to wear it! I know they can't watch her 24/7 with the damn thing. I've already decided if this one goes, no more. Sad but it isn't worth spending the money when they lose or damage it!
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Very common. Typical that it is a care-giver, family or not, someone who is around, that gets the blame. The best you can do for BIL is assure him that you all know he DIDN'T do any of this. Others have given suggestions for working around the issues, esp trying, if possible, to change the subject. Look for the items if/when you can occupy him elsewhere and then put it where it should be and is visible. No amount of confrontation or trying to change this behavior is going to work. We just have to reassure him and try to move on to another topic and/or help him look for it. If you find it together, make it a game - perhaps BIL is just playing hide and seek with you!

Although it sounds like a good work-around by taking dad shopping when BIL is working, perhaps it would be better to take dad shopping when BIL is WITH them both. That way, he can't be sneaking into dad's apt and stealing while you are away! Or, since he already takes him to the bank, etc, let him take dad shopping.

While it may not be possible, I did like the suggestion about setting up his apt to make it more difficult to hide anything, but that isn't always possible. It might require taking furniture, and other items away, and that will likely frustrate and/or anger him too!

Changing the subject, locating the "stolen" items, eliminating cash if possible and "working" with his reality is about all that can be done. Be sure to give sister and BIL a lot of support in this issue - reassure them both that you understand and know the accusations are not true.

Beatty Aug 2020
Paranoia & losing things. Classic first signs of dementia, especially Alzheimer's type.

Please get medical advice & to rule out other causes (there are some that mimic).

Losing things is due to problems with short term memory. Accusing others is one solution the brain comes up with to explain why the item is missing.

Fancy name confabulation:
'Confabulation is a symptom of various memory disorders in which made-up stories fill in any gaps in memory'.

Maybe try to re-label *stolen* to *mis-placed*? Dad, maybe your xx is just misplaced? Let's look for it.

One family I met bought 5 brown wallets from a thrift shop so there was more chance of it being found. The lady had quite advanced dementia. Being of Irish background she accepted that leprechauns were moving her things. She also blamed ghosts & the portrait of a Saint on her wall.

Ask your family to try to have sympathy. If it is dementia, there is no cure. Although sometimes medications for symptoms of anxiety/paranoia may be beneficial.
MAYDAY Aug 2020
Thx Beatty... I guess I am getting there, sooner than expected... oh well.
my2cents Aug 2020
This seems to be one of the most common issues with dementia - losing things that one uses on a daily basis. The best advice for hubby is to grow thicker skin because once the focus is on someone for stealing, it seems to stay there. Tell BIL to divert the conversation to anything other than what might be misplaced (or not lost at all). He'll never win or convince dad that something has not been stolen - it is arguing with a broken mind.

My boyfriend's mom hid her keys, her purse, meds, etc and we had to go hunt for them nearly every day. I always tell the quarter story: She kept rolls of quarters in her purse. When dementia started, she unwrapped the rolls and dumped them everywhere (purse, chair, floor). Then would say her husband stole her quarters and would show you the rolls were missing from her purse. Actually, her rolls were missing......because they were no longer rolled. I rolled and rerolled and rerolled, putting them back in purse and showing her that they were found.
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
It IS all too common! I've lost lots of time searching for her hearing aid, purse, other items... Even now that she is in one room in MC, with not many possessions... hide it here, there, everywhere! Always have to search other places. She even misplaced her portable phones when still in her condo! Thankfully she still had a wall phone. By the time we found the handsets, they were DEAD!

No point in arguing the subject. They are dead set that this is what it is and that's that. Best to change the subject if possible and try to locate whatever it is they have hidden when they are occupied elsewhere!

Bet you hate coin rolls...
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