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hopeful4me Asked July 2020

My Mom passed on Monday and my sisters are at each others throats...I need advice please!

I am the middle child and get along well with most everyone including my two sisters. However they hate each other and are constantly making snide remarks to me about each other. I stay out of it and don't comment. Both are married with families. I am single. I am grieving my mother passing and will be driving 9 hours to the funeral on Monday. My older sister and her family will stay with me in my mother's house to give me some company. I have also been the go between giving the older sister important information on my mother's declining health and also the funeral arrangements. I felt that it was important as my mother's child also that she stayed informed. The younger sister doesn't want the older sister to stay in our mother's house and told me that she would fight with her on this. She then said that I was taking sides when I said why and said F*ck you too and hung up on me. She then sent me a text saying that she would not be attending our mother's funeral. The older sister also said the she and her husband would talk about it and may not attend either because they refuse to get involved in the drama. I am more than stressed out and very anxious. I will be attending alone and I am alone.

lkdrymom Jul 2020
I think you need to move forward as if you did not have any siblings. They are hell bent on making this about all their drama. Stay at your mom's house and attend the funeral. I wish I had something that would make this all better but your siblings WANT to fight. Stay neutral and just attend and leave. Stop worrying about keeping them informed.

Why are they feuding? Some incident or just generally don't like each other?
kbuser Jul 2020
totally agree, my siblings feud just for the sake of feuding and try to pull me into their drama. I have finally learned to take the high road and move forward (as much as I can as if I didn't have any. They spent a lifetime making snide comments to each other and trying to create drama.
AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Fine. Attend alone. These two drama Queens don't even DESERVE to be there. We nurses who, when death was coming, or HAD come, used to call those family members "The ones who steal the Thunder". Meaning, no matter there has been death and pain and loss, it is STILL and ALWAYS all about them. This is a great tragedy. Usually we see "Siblings at War" on the forum, making miserable the life of a poor elder already incapacited by the vagaries of age and illness. Now we get to see two trying to tear one remaining decent sister apart. So warring siblings plus one I guess we could call it when you write the great american novel about family angst. SHAME ON THEM. Just shame on them. Mom isn't going to even know there is a funeral. Do what comforts YOU. For me that would be the cancelling of a funeral no one but you even cares to attend. I am so sorry for you. I hope you will update us when this is all over and tell us you are doing OK.
jacobsonbob Jul 2020
I suspect she should go to the funeral even if she is the only one there. She doesn't need to let the sisters steal this or ruin it for her.

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SusanMP Jul 2020
Don’t let anyone take one moment of this time from you. And don’t give them one moment. So no more go - betweening as the peacemaker. This time after your mums death is all about you and her so don’t get distracted. They’re adults. They’ll figure it out one way or another. Take a deep breath and let everything else fade into the background so you can honour your mum, cry, remember. Take care,

NobodyGetsIt Jul 2020
Dear hopeful4me,
Let me first extend my condolences to you and your family in the loss of your mother and I am so sorry that your two sisters are behaving like children and you are in the middle - both literally and figuratively speaking.
Grief is hard enough without having family members fighting, creating drama and causing distress for you - the innocent one. Not only that, because they can't put their differences aside for this important time it probably feels like you are being punished. I know you would prefer to have them both at the funeral since you get along with both of them but, please don't force the issue. Your mother only passes away once and there will only be a funeral once - don't let your sisters take that away from you.
When my dad passed away in 2004, I did not want my mother's daughter (my half sister) from her first marriage, who was 15 years older than myself, to attend my dad's funeral. Why? Because she was always trying to come between my mom and dad. My dad did not like the trouble she would cause over the years. In his last years, he did come to a place of being a little more at peace in her presence and I certainly didn't try to take that away from him as that was his business. But, she nearly ruined my parent's marriage in which all of us suffered and it left an indelible mark on me both as a child and young adult. The night after my dad passed away, the hospice Pastor who had been visiting our family while he was dying could see I was troubled. He asked what was wrong and I explained that I didn't want her at the funeral causing trouble and ruining everything that we had planned (she had already ruined my wedding day). My husband and I made all the arrangements as my mom was 79 and she couldn't think clearly. I wanted everything to be nice but, she gets angry when she isn't the center of attention and tends to storm off and disappear making my mom go look for her. I just couldn't bare that happening. So the Pastor told my mom everything I told him.
The day of the funeral, I was slightly nervous wondering if she would "just show up" even though she lived over an hour away. Thankfully, she didn't and we had a lovely service.
This was the first death I had ever experienced in my immediate family and I was so naive thinking everyone would just get along. It is extremely painful to realize that it's not always the case.
You have done everything you can do to help bring everyone together peaceably. Please attend your mom's funeral even if it means alone. Your sisters will be the ones who will (if they have any shred of humanness) have to deal with any regrets if and when that time should come. Go in peace my dear and may you feel God's love and comfort in the difficult days ahead!
hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thank you. I am so tired of the drama between the two of them that goes back 20 plus years and a lot of she said, she said stuff. The funeral is about our mother and they really should be able to respect that. If they don't attend so be it...I will be there alone to honor and respect my mother.
Sunnygirl1 Jul 2020
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s unfortunate to not get full support from your siblings at this time. Sadly, family dynamics are often strained at times like this. Due to covid, many families are foregoing funerals, opting for graveside rights or delaying all gatherings until sometime to be determined later. I’d considering doing something like that, unless you are expecting other people to attend. There are many ways you can pay tribute to your mother’s life on your own. I wouldn’t let others diminish your experience. They sound very immature. Perhaps, them staying away may be more peaceful.

JoAnn29 Jul 2020
So sorry for your loss. I agree, you seem to be the sane one. If they don't show up they don't show up. A funeral is not for the dead its for the living. A time to say our goodbyes and celebrate the person's life. If your sister's want to cut their noses off to spite their faces, then its their loss.

The Hotel sounds good. Stay neutral. Do what you need to do and then return home. When one sister calls to complain about the other, just say not your Drama, not getting involved you just don't have the energy.

bevthegreat Jul 2020
It is probably a blessing in disguise if neither sister attends the funeral.

You should let them know for once how you feel about it and that their selfishness and bickering of thinking only of themselves even at this time is awful.

Let them know you will be attending the funeral by yourself and will offer neither one of them any more updates.

Love and Prayers
jacobsonbob Jul 2020
She doesn't even need to do either of these--she should just avoid them altogether unless there is some legality in which one or both must be involved.
earlybird Jul 2020
Hopeful,
Sorry for the loss of your mother, Sending my thoughts and prayers to you during this most difficult time. You can private message me anytime for support.
You have enough to deal with. Emotions are high during a death of a parent. Do not get involved with your sisters squabbles, it is their relationship. Let them do what they want about the funeral. Very sad they can't set aside their feelings for the sake of your dear mother, how selfish and cruel. You have every right to have your sister stay with you. The other sister sounds quite controlling, let her be. Plan your mother's funeral and stay away from negative energy. It is really their problem to begin with. You can't fix them. Personal hardships sometimes bring out the best or the worst in a person. You are the strong and compassionate one, your mother would be proud. Stay focused on what needs to be done. Remember you are never alone, God is not far away. Hugs to you!!

cetude Jul 2020
Emotions run high during a death; it is far easier to be angry than to cry. Anger is also a stage of grieving.

When mom died I opted for a simple cremation, no ceremony. When a person dies, that's it. They are gone.

Mom's ashes are in a beautiful wooden cigar box and kept in an antique cabinet at home.

The best thing to do for your mom is carry on and go on living. That's what she would want.

Taarna Jul 2020
I am sorry for the loss of your mother and that your sisters can not be a help for you. In reality, they probably were not a lot of help while your mother was alive. Gather people around you that are caring, loving, and kind. Please consider attending a GriefShare group to deal with your loss. Everybody in the group is dealing with the loss of a loved one. These folks can be a source of comfort and care.

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