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Gnarley Asked July 2020

Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) vs spouse?

Does anyone have any documentation where it would state a DPOA has more rights than a spouse? My 92 year old mom would like my dad to come back home because she's lonely. Her memory is failing and some days are good and other days shes scared about not remembering some things. She'll argue that her memory is fine and another day tell you she knows shes forgetting things. She forgets how difficult is was for her while she was his primary caregiver and his health was declining. Once we got him into a board and care they were able to take over and he's doing much better! Bringing him home would be to the detriment to his health and I'd likely find myself in the same situation again in a few weeks and have to find a new home and quarantine him all over again! He needs 24/7 care and she does not put his care first.


Thoughts?

JoAnn29 Jul 2020
Sorry, no thoughts on medication other than for some a General Practitioner should not be prescribing unless monitoring closely. Always check on the internet and look for signs like you did. We really need to be there for family.

What to do about family. You can suggest but don't worry about if your suggestion is not taken. There maybe some jealousy that u were given POA.
Gnarley Jul 2020
Thanks, noting "You can suggest but don't worry about if your suggestion is not taken".

It's a problem when the person who isn't willing to follow my requests made at the suggestion of a licensed clinical social worker to shelter my mom and myself from unnecessary grief and stress did so, she doesn't have to do the clean up, I do. The social worker said there are times it's just not worth telling everyone what's going on as they can't do anything and all they will do is worry adding to my pressure and stress. If there is no benefit, should others really be informed?
JoAnn29 Jul 2020
Your POAs, financial and medical, override what Mom wants. Dementia or not. Your Dad, for some reason, wanted you to make decisions concerning his care and health based on his wishes. So you as POA see where he is well cared for and happy where he is. Don't change that. Mom is coming from a different place, she wants her husband home. If there is some Dementia, she can no longer reason. She can't see where she cannot care for him or thinks you can. Not realizing that caring for 2 people is not easy.

As POA responsibility is to keep Dad safe and well cared for. You may get away with telling Mom little fibs "we will have to see how well Dad does" or "doctor wants Dad in this facility for now". If Mom has Dementia, she will be enough for you to care for.
Gnarley Jul 2020
Thank you! I think she's having to come to terms with this and is reluctantly accepting it. I also have a sister who lives farther away and visits mom maybe once every 2 weeks or so. She hasn't seen our father in 7 weeks. I encouraged her to go visit our father and not bring our mom so she could have personal time with him and mom wouldn't be alarmed at his state on a new medication he was given Depakote. The reason for it was supposedly for sleep and it is not helping. Then to find out it's a mood stabilizer and for This medication is used to treat seizure disorders, certain psychiatric conditions (manic phase of bipolar disorder), and to prevent migraine headaches. It works by restoring the balance of certain natural substances (neurotransmitters) in the brain. What in bloody hell was the Dr. thinking. I was concerned that this would upset sister and mother, it did as he seemed very drugged and unable to engage me upon my visit. He was so drugged he refused visitors!

This was a preventable and I've asked my sister who's not managing his care to not tell of her planned visit and bring our mom. My sister refuses to follow my request and says it's a power trip for me to control it, is it? I wanted to prevent grief, anger and sadness from my mom that I knew would result in complaints and phone calls to me with no immediate solution and the sister doesn't have to deal with the problem she created and walks away.

The Depakote was stopped this morning and there seems to be a positive change. It took a fight with his Dr. to stop it!

Thoughts? And thoughts on control and family members who won't follow the DPoA's requests?

Thanks

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Gnarley Jul 2020
Once my mom is scored having dementia and loss of decision making abilities and agreed to by two MD's their trust kicks in. I don't believe she'd need a DPoA or anything else as the Trust seems to provide decision making for all affairs to the 1st executor.

I am the PoA and DPoA for my father, mom has trouble seeing why she needs someone to be her advocate and who can actually carry out their needs. My pop had a stroke 18 months ago and has mixed Dementia. He understands going back to her would not be good for both of them. The RCF does not believe at my mom's age that she can take care of him, they are having problems and he's likely going to be evicted as his care exceeds their ability. Mom cannot get care at the same place and it would not work, she's the queen of her home and rules the roost making things even harder on my father.

AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Wow, this one is complicated. Firstly you need to get DPOA for your Mom as well, while she is still able to confer it. Are you POA for your father? Does he have dementia? Does he understand your Mom is not capable of caring for him at home. Would he come home with her? If not he can well and easily explain to her that he needs more care than she can give, now. If not, then it is his DPOA who goes to the Nursing home and explains that his wife, who is failing mentally now and physically, wants to take him home, and that they need to be clear that he cannot be discharged safely to her, as she is not capable of doing this care. I am assuming you are POA for your Dad. Could your Mom enter his facility where they could be together and both have care, or is that financially not an option?

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