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caregivinggrief Asked June 2020

How do you get thru to sibling you need a break every other month? Feeling taken advantage of!

My 86 year old father in law who suffers from Alzheimer's has been living with us for the past two years. The first 8 months he was with us we would take him daily to visit his wife in the nursing home until she passed. The first month we drove over an hour each way and visited for a couple hours after working long days full time. After several falls, we moved my step mother to a more local nursing facility and they provided excellent care. It helped tremendously to only travel 15 minutes one way. My husband would drop him off after he go home from work and I would pick him up and visit with her around 9pm daily. They had been together for 50 years and we knew how important it was for them to be together as much as possible. Before, she needed more extensive care, they were living in their house together which was also about an hour away from us. She needed extra care so we hired in home 24/7 care for both of the for about 3 months. That cost them close to $30,000. But, even with that care we needed to call daily and go over a few times a week. And you had to check on these hired caregivers. Also, both of us were working full time.
Over the past 2 years time my brother in law has taken my father in law maybe a total of 3 months to his house. If it was the summer months they go to the campground where my father in law has an RV (my brother in law talked him into putting down there near his camper) Everytime, we have had to ask when he could take his father for a visit to give my husband and I a break. Never has he offered on his own. My husband retired a year ago and has not had much of a retirement. Since my step mother in law passed, we slowly see my father in law's dementia getting worse but he is still mobile and is not a problem. We enjoy his company and know we are doing what is best for him at this time. However, a caregiver needs a break. I am still working full time and my husband is in his mid 60's and his health is suffering. Not only do we do the daily 3 plus meals, medications, bathing (thank God he can shower himself still but you have to make him do it), paying bills, cleaning out their house to get ready to sell, taking care of all needed financial and medical needs, etc. Plus, we do not take a dime from him for rent or care giving. It has only been in the last month we have him paying toward groceries (mostly because our food bill has gone up because he wants stuff we didnt usually buy. My husband is at his breaking point with his brother because he says he will take his Dad and then some job comes up or some other excuse and it wont be for another 2 months. My brother in law say well you had him come live with you and just throws his hands up in the air. He said there is a facility down by him we could put his Dad in. The problem is that we are not at that point yet. It may come some day but not yet. We know very well we had him come live with us but all we are asking for is some help. Every other month take him for a visit for a week. My brother in law tells my husband well you're retired. I just want to say no he isn't- a full time care giver is a job!! And not one he was looking forward when he retired. We have not taken a vacation in over 2 years. We never have time alone with each other. We have not attended many events (weddings, parties etc) because of his father. We just need a break! So how do we get through to his brother that their father is also his responsibility. We need him to pick up some slack. He takes vacations, uses their fathers RV, golfs, relaxes and takes time for his wife's side of the family. His job entails 2 days of travel and 2 days of work a week maybe 3 weeks out of the month. Asking for advice from others who may have experienced similiar situations.

AlvaDeer Jun 2020
You chose to take on this kind of care. I would not have. I would be right where your BIL is, and would kindly and gently explain to you that I am sorry, but I know my own limitations, and I am not up for this at all. I would suggest to you that it is perhaps time to place your Father in care and live a life for yourself. Remember, we can make choices only for ourselves.Not for others.

Tothill Jun 2020
It is not your BIL's responsibility to give you a break, just as it is not your responsibility to have your FIL live in your home.

Your FIL can pay for respite care and go stay in a facility for however long you need a break.

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IhaveQuestions Jun 2020
I actually disagree with most of the answers here. My husband and I are in the same situation with his mother. It was decided between my husband and BIL that his mother would move into our home because she really couldn't afford assisted living anymore without my fil (who passed away) income to contribute. My fil left a small life insurance policy (to take care of his wife) that was split between us and my BIL. We used our portion to update our house TO CARE FOR HIS MOM. A walk in shower, hand rails on porches, etc that we didnt need except for her, with the rest put into a savings account for additional expenses that we might encounter. I don't know what my BIL did with his portion. And in 5 months, BIL has not visited but 1 time. We are on call 24/7 and need a break. Desperately. she is in the later stages of Alzheimers. We have asked repeatedly for him to come help out one weekend a month. His response was exactly the same as yours. "You decided to bring her into your home. I cant commit to anything. I'll help out when I can" . Which is never. He was given money to help with his mother, but refuses. I'm afraid we may have the same BIL. LOL. Good luck to you!
AlvaDeer Jun 2020
It is a shame he was given the money. Who made that decision? The money was to be for the parents care, and he has chosen not to do that. I believe he has a right to make his own decision for his own life. I don't think he has a right to anyone's money, however; it was really a dreadful choice to make that money available to him, and it won't be seen again, and it will be needed for care ongoing. You cannot make decisions for others. Only for yourself.
Beatty Jun 2020
This situation come up a lot on the forum as it is happening in so many families.

I have been on both sides now.

Was a helper but needed a holiday. Asked sibling to fill-in. Sorry, no. Didn't suit, planned her own holiday at another time, didn't want to be hands-on carer anyway.

I certainly felt resentment. She was doing as she pleased while I felt obligated to help as I lived the closest. She saw the problem but explained (nicely) that it was MY problem. As Geaton said, she did not choose to offer care - I just expected her to step up.

After discussions, we choose respite accommodation in a AL for when I was away.

A big YES you DO deserve & need a break! And Dad does need to be somewhere safely cared for. But it doesn't follow that brother has to provide the respite. I would look into respite accom in the good NH you used for MIL instead.

I now find myself on the other side (as the unhelpful one). The care needs got too big & I started saying no. I offered alternatives (declined) so I stepped back.

The care you provide is your decision, what siblings offer is their decision.

I made peace with that (it took a while). I hope you can too. It's worth it to keep good sibling relationships - better for you going forward when Dad needs more care, better for Dad too his kids get along!

ZippyZee Jun 2020
"My brother in law say well you had him come live with you and just throws his hands up in the air. He said there is a facility down by him we could put his Dad in."

Your BiL is right, on both counts.

Put him in a home

worriedinCali Jun 2020
Geaton covered it all. If this is too much for you, it’s time to take your life back and move your FIL to a care facility. Your FILs needs are going to increase and at this rate, he may outlive your husband (and yourself) because being a caregiver literally sucks the life out of you. Your problem really isn’t your BIL. When you choose to take in an elderly parent who can no longer take care of themselves, it does not obligate the rest of the family to support your decision, help out and provide respite care when you need a break. Your BIL isn’t obligated to make major life adjustments because you chose to take your FIL in. Why can’t your FIL move to assisted living? Is he going to adult daycare?

Geaton777 Jun 2020
caregivinggrief, you and your husband are doing a loving, wonderful thing for his father BUT your BIL is not obligated to participate. He had no choice and doesn't agree with the arrangement with which he was not asked if he wanted to help -- he was just assumed into helping. You will need to let it go. Have FIL spend his funds on regularly scheduled respite care services so you can get breaks. Don't be upset with BIL. He is not obligated to help so please don't hold it against him. Please understand your FIL's care will just intensify and you may wish to have him transition to a care facility in the future. This would not be a failure on your part or a shirking of responsibility, or unloving. It's just the only solution when there are no other options. I wish you well as you care for your FIL!
Beatty Jun 2020
I was thinking same but you have written it so much better!

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