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We seem to have lost our life (my husband and I) in the midst of watching over mom. I’m definitely at burnout after 8 years. I’d like to try moving her to each child’s home for several months to see how it would work.


Does anyone do this? How does it work?


Any advice? She doesn’t want to go to an assisted living. Fall hazard, mostly sedentary and overweight..

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Tried to do this with our mother (one sibling). She refused to leave her home in another state from my brother and me. It turned out that I had to move there and brother COULD NEVER DO IT. Not capitalized because of anger, btw.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Once you start taking care of your parents the other siblings will give you all kind if excuses of why they can not help you.
That is what happen with me. We are 5 and I'm the only one taking care of my 93 yr old mother with dementia. They are all very busy with their lives and have no time to help with mom.
It is very sad and I just have to make the best of it. You need to hire outside help.
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Reply to VLAlvarez
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My sisters and I tried this dad after mom died. As kids, our grandmother had rotated between her sister’s and sons’ homes. For about a year, dad seemed to enjoy visiting each of us in turn. He and mom had been great travelers, so it was familiar on several levels. We kept his doctors and scheduled his medical appointments in clusters, timed to location changes. It worked for us daughters even though we’re in NJ, GA and TX.

As dad’s dementia worsened, the moves became more disorienting for dad and logistically challenging for us. By the time dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia it was clear that sharing care wasn’t suitable for dad anymore. He needed stability and familiarity.

The youngest daughter, who lives near dad’s doctors and the rest of the family, moved him in with her and her husband. She had been managing his finances and medical care all along. We schedule our visits with dad to allow them time away. Within a year, dad’s needs got to be too much even with an in home aid. He’s in a good memory care now.
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Reply to Tunfet
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My brother and I take turns caring for Mom for two weeks each at a time. I go to Mom's house and stay with her for two weeks, then I pack her up and take her to my brother's house about 15 miles away for two weeks. It is hard on me being gone from my home for two weeks every month, but at least Mom is in her own home half the time where she really wants to be. She does not really enjoy staying with my brother and his wife as there are some "caregiving genes" missing there, but I could not care for her full time. It is nice to know that after two weeks I get a two-week break. I am dreading the day when my brother says that he can no longer care for Mom in his home. He is already expressing some resentment and stating that this was not how he planned to spend his "golden years". Well, who did?!

I try to have duplicates of all her personal items so she has everything she needs in both places. We move her clothes from her home to my brother's house and back each time. She has very poor memory and difficulty speaking but seems to go back and forth somewhat willingly. I call her a few times a week to check in with her while she is at brother's house. Except for Mom breaking a leg and a hip while at my brother's house, so far so good.
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Reply to texasrdr22
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my2cents: " If you get no takers on the house rotations or coming more often to sit w/her at your house, then you have to decide upon assisted living or hiring your own in home care."

If you hire in-home care or place her in Assisted Living, this should not be coming out of YOUR funds.
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Reply to CTTN55
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Flyingsolo Nov 14, 2019
I have mom living with me since may 2018. I am her payee I seem to have no say, no help, but allot of debt. Siblings live 400 miles away .one of them took dad to lawyer pre death is his trustee and all are moms Posey's but she has the lawyer being paid from dads estate. No one gives me info so u have been winging it here. They put mom on Medicaid, they recertified her with funds I dont have but were trying to get me to pay that excess with what we get from moms SSI. I cannot pay for what they have somewhere else because we need the 859.00 or at least 500.00 of moms as fir carepeople we have to hire so I can go to work everyday( Medicaid gave us 7 days 7 hrs a day,will not give me 9 hrs 5 days, so I have friends from 430 am to 730 am, then if I need to go anywhere we pay or if aide no show we pay. Sibling is also here proxy 400 miles away. Ok so my question, is I have got to be paying taxes for my help and am told dont ask IRS for help . I dont know how to start this or if mom can be paying care people from her SSI, but I cant pay household and care people. One goes on baby monitor paid as for am unless mom gets up then paid 15.00 hr . I want to get help to do it right. I also have to much in her account because I am waiting for Medicaid to bill us for beginning months so I was afraid to use moms money that I wouldnt have it ejen they ask. So 2 months I paid carepeople, so moms got funds I am having trouble keeping up, I think I shouldn't have worried and let mom pay all care people and help me because I am shorted and mom has 5000. In bank Now I am doing my first year report for SSI as to how I used moms money I am ok there I have everything, but I need to do things right let mom pay for things and explain why I am in debt and mom has to much In bank. Now theres a pooled trust, excess I dont have that has to be paid, but I guess I will put on report both accounts show what's in both and explain why. And that o need to pay taxes as employer. Any advice you can give or anyone can give me is most welcome
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Splitting "Grandma" up among the siblings worked great when my grandmother had a 2nd heart attack and my parents didn't want her living by herself. There were 3 siblings. She would stay with us for 2 weeks, then go to her daughter's house for a week or so and then to the other son's house. She loved getting to visit with the grands and all but she would always be glad to get back to our house. It does work better than people realize under the right circumstances. She would "piddle" around the kitchen & wipe down countertops or little things she liked to do. Here's the sticky part for others though. All three siblings lived within 15 miles of each other so it was easy to move her around. Nowadays, some live 100 miles away or even in another state so "grandmother" may need to stay longer stretches like a month each. But that would be great too. Something to think about. It worked for my family.
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Reply to elaineSC
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XenaJada Nov 14, 2019
It works great when you have a SWEET and cooperative elderly person and family members who are willing to help.
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One big issue, where do all the siblings live? If in the same town that is one thing, but how would you manage doctors' appointments if they are in other communities?

I also do not believe that a parent can say "I do not want to live in assisted living." then expect their adult children to give up their lives to provide care.
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Reply to Tothill
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XenaJada Nov 14, 2019
This website is full of stories of people who have done that very thing and regretted it.
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It will depend on her mental health in relationship to dementia - it is extremely hard on those with dementia to repeatedly move so you may need to think about care for her

FYI .... nobody puts on their bucket list that they want to go to AL or NH so her saying she doesn't want to go isn't unusual but also has she seen one recently? - she is probably remembering the old style ones not the more inter-active ones of today -

My mom didn't want to go either but within days she was blooming with so many to talk with, the activities [10 X a week + religious ones] that she convinced herself that she was part of the recreation staff - prior she was with my dad who played on his computer all day & she just watched TV except for meal times - she would be so trilled when she won a mini chocolate bar at bingo - she would often tell me that you could eat off the floor because they were always cleaning [she loved seeing the floor cleaning machine going down the hall]
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Reply to moecam
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If all the siblings are in agreement, it will work out fine. Being part of a family where all of them are willing to do their part....now that might be a different story altogether. And, even if you have the Leave it to Beaver family, do all of them have room in their home to accommodate mom moving in.

If mom has absolutely no mental/dementia issues, adjusting should not be a problem. Be prepared to take her favorite chair - a sedentary body doesn't do well on higher, lower, softer, harder chairs. And this can be true for the bed as well. If she has dementia issues, however, you may be opening a pandora's box that you can never put the lid on again - familiarity is the key.

First, talk with the sibs and evaluate if it's even possible for mom to stay with them. If you're lucky enough, give it a go. If not, it might be time for in home health during the most practical hours for you to do things you want to do. Sibs can fill in for overnights and vacations. If you get no takers on the house rotations or coming more often to sit w/her at your house, then you have to decide upon assisted living or hiring your own in home care.
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Reply to my2cents
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Your first sentence says it all. Knowing you are tired and burned out things will only get worse. For you ( physically and mentally), your relationship (marriage), and your mother. It will only get worse.

Parents do not WANT to go to assisted living usually. Try to get assistance from doctors to talk with your mom about the benefits and her need from their perspective. Let the doctors be the bad guys. Good doctors don't mind playing that role for the benefit of their patients.

So...I believe you need to find a nice independent living or assisted living facility. For your health and sanity.
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Reply to Tina2010
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I'm interested in this as both my parents are in their 80's. They are still vertical and mobile, thanks to walkers and meds.

Sisters and I have discussed this option, assuming my mom will outlive my dad. It seems to be the only fair option as the 3 of us agree that nobody should bear the burden alone and a year-long stint is not an option either.
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againx100 Nov 14, 2019
You are lucky that all 3 of you are on board with this!
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My Father has 5 sisters. He and oldest sister "A" are both disabled and cannot take care of their Mother. The four able sisters rotate taking care of their Mother this way: Mom lives with "K" during the school year so Mom can be there when kids come home from school. "M" takes Mom during the summer. "H" takes Mom during holidays from Thanksgiving through New Year. "N" takes mom on family vacations. No one gets "stuck" with Mom and mom does not get bored living in one place.
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Reply to LonelyOnlyChild
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againx100 Nov 14, 2019
That sounds like a great plan!
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You have previously posted: "Mom lives in an apt on my property at 83. Not willing to drive but still fairly mobile except for going out in heat, heart and blood pressure problems, fairly home bound. I have a full time job, some business travel and hubby travels rarely. No outside help from siblings."

How was is that Mom ended up living on your property? How many siblings do you have? If there is "no outside help" from them, how likely is it that you think they will agree to take turns housing your mother?

What are your mother's finances? Does she pay you rent? Or anything at all? If not, then why not? Would she be able to afford Assisted Living?

What are the plans for when her needs increase? You state that you work a fulltime job, so what will happen during the day when you aren't there?

Your mother may not want to go to Assisted Living, but she is being selfish if she expects you and you alone to give up your privacy to take care of her.
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Reply to CTTN55
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You don't indicate that dementia is an issue at this point in time. But if it becomes so, as a general rule, moving her around will only be very disorienting.

You and she might be better off setting her up in an Assisted Living place that has tiered transitions into more levels of care. That way, if/when moving is necessary, it's in the same facility where she can still possibly continue to visit and/or dine with some of the same people with whom she has become acquainted.
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Reply to CarolLynn
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As long as there's no dementia & everyone is willing to setup a safe environment for Mom this could work. My mother's first cousin rotates through her 4 children every 3 months. They got one of the fall detecting help button systems that runs on cell service so it just travels with her.
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Reply to TNtechie
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A friend of mine was part of The. Ideal. Solution.

When her dad started failing, she and her 2 sisters - all either retired or local, no kids at home - took turns moving into his home for 4 months at a time. Gentle for him, and the sisters were lucky to be able to work it out.
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ABoston Nov 14, 2019
I knew someone who did this where there were four siblings involved. Each one took their mother for three months at a time. They did this for several years until she passed away and it seemed to work well.
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My daughters godmother did this when her husband passed, and I know she often said she felt like "she had no home".. She moved every 3 months.. it was good for the kids but maybe not so much for her. My own mother lives with us for over 5 years now, and still feels like it's "not her home",, But no place will, her home is where she lived with Dad. Your mom may be easier about this. But I am lucky in that my Aunt takes my mom for a week or two every few months, and mom LOVES that,, she is with her sister! And we take my Aunt for a week for so every few months, and on all family vacations.., so both sides get a break. And once a few years ago my cousin in Tx took both mom and Aunt for 6 weeks,, all of us kids were in heaven, and much refreshed when they came home!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Your first step is to call your siblings and ask them what they think about assisted living. That your mother "doesn’t want to go to an assisted living" is not a valid reason to continue your current living situation. After 8 years, you have been more than generous with your home, your time and your money. I'm sure it's cost you financially to have her living with you and your husband.

I can barely get any of my BILs to visit FIL let alone take him into their homes for weeks at a time. The last time FIL stayed with any of his other sons was 2 years ago, and that ended badly because BIL works long hours and his wife has her hands full with her mother who lives nearby. My other BILs have problems of their own including a marriage that's ending.

When children are involved, they will be affected by their grandmother's needs and their schedules/routines will be disrupted, which their parents may be reluctant to do especially when your mother is "Fall hazard, mostly sedentary and overweight".

That said, you and your husband most definitely need a break, and perhaps a permanent one. Start touring assisted livings and get your siblings on board.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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It can work though I'm sure it would not be without its challenges.

My mom lives with hubby and I (4 years now) and she goes to my sister's for 3 - 5 nights every month. It reallly helps give me a break to be in my own house all by my lonesome.

Your mom may not agree, but that's OK with me, as long as your siblings are on board. A few months at a time may be a little too much for them, depending on their setup. Maybe 2 weeks to start with? That would be a nice break especially if it can happen on a regular basis.
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Reply to againx100
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Are your siblings on board with this plan?  That is your biggest hurdle.  I hope they are, that would be amazing.  It is in your mother's best interest.  Once burn out and resentment set in they are hard to recover from. 
There really isn't any instruction platform for it.  Just have a talk with the siblings, let them know this is how you are feeling, that you have had mom for eight years and it at this point is causing issues in your home and you need a break.  Let them know your ideas for the rotation.  This is only fair if they are financially capable and they have space.  If they are not on board, possibly check into in home assisted caregivers that can come out to the house and assist with your mother.  I wish you luck with the siblings and know that for eight years being the one to do it all is something to be proud of.
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Reply to Wuzzyblue
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Are your siblings and mother willing? For me that would be the biggest issue. In my case neither would be, but if it's different for you then I say absolutely go for it!
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