Moved in with 87 year old mother. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Moved in with 87 year old mother. Any advice?

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My mother has been wanting me to move in with her for the past 3 years. I have done so now. A couple months after I moved in she tripped over a sweater she had dropped. She is on warfain. I took her to the hospital and she had to be airlifted to another hospital. My sister lives 3 hours away and would not come. Due to her age the doctors were not going to do the surgery, her left side of her skull had fouled with blood. I got them to do the surgery knowing what the outcome may be. She had to go to rehab afterwards, she could not walk or talk. Now she is fine. The problem is she will not let me work, drink Dr. Pepper etc. I am 57 years old and I have no income, not any kind of power of attorney. She has my older sister as the executor and she won't even come see her. She thinks I cannot handle it. I handled saving her life. My Mother does not have a lot but wants to leave what she does have to her children. My sister informed me she wants to sell the house when the time comes to put her in a home. This she does not want. My sister has not been involved in her life and I can tell you everything about her needs. She has to wear hearing aids and it scares her at night when she has to take them out. I cook her meals, etc. I need some suggestions. I need to go back to work, and then if I find a job she then says she does not want me to work. She has Medicare and Tricare for life. When the time comes I believe I can get help in the house. She does not want to go to a nursing home. I don't know what to do. Sorry for such a long text, I am just depressed and confused. Thank u for any advise.

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Lindjane, sometimes what happens if a parent moves back in with a grown child or a grown child moves in with the parent is that the adult/child dynamics will kick in. Thus, Mom becomes the grown up and you become the child, and you need to do what Mom's says.

I remember when my Dad asked me if I could retire from my career. I turned around and asked Dad if he left his career to take care of his parents or take care of Mom's parents. Dad never asked me again. He understood that I needed to work.

Your Mom wants to keep up her lifestyle, live in her own home, while you change your lifestyle for her. That is probably why your sister isn't in the here and now. Your sister knows the emotional and financial cost involved by enabling Mom.

My Mom refused caregivers, we tried. Mom was just too stubborn. She was a fall risk, refused to use a walker. She said that my Dad could help her. Think not, Dad was an ever higher fall risk and he wanted to move to senior living. But it was Mom's choice as she was still clear headed at 97.

My Mom won the argument against moving to Independent Living but that decision took her life a few month later after a very serious head trauma fall. Dad was ready to sell the house to move into IL. Dad loved Independent Living, the meals, the Staff, etc. and he had a very nice 2 bedroom apartment. He did say he wished Mom wasn't so stubborn, he felt she would still be with him if they both have moved to IL years ago.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I guess I would tell mom you have to work...or if she wants you to be a full time care giver, get a contract and have her pay you. If you don't work, how will you care for yourself when she is gone?

An executor is for the will after the person has died... They have no control over what happens while she is alive. That would be POA. Does your mom have a durable POA or a financial and medical POA? Those would give the power to act when she is no longer able to act for herself.

If mom is still mentally competent, I would have a conversation with her about what she would like to have happen. A family discussion would be best so sister knows too, then everyone would be on the same page. Discuss getting a POA set up, if she doesn't have one. My mom's has my sister and I as joint decision makers.

Much luck to you and your mom
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Reply to Grammyteacher
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One of the things that can be hard to adjust to is that as our parents age, their reasoning power lessens to the point they're not making wise decisions. They want to be young and healthy and independent. They sometimes want their children to give up their lives in service to their own parental needs and desires, which is usually to stay in their own place. That's what your mom is doing and you're going right along with it, to your own detriment. You need to be working so that YOU have some retirement savings. You need your own life and your own friends and your own independence. What your mom wants comes in second to what YOU need in your own life. Your mom doesn't rank #1 in your life, you do. And to top it off, your mom doesn't even give you POA, even though you're the one who's giving up her life to take care of mom on a day-to-day basis.

If it was me, I'd ask mom to give you POA. If she refuses, I'd move back out, get mom some help if she wants it and let sister take care of her with the POA. Sister selling the house makes good sense if mom needs more care than can be provided at home. If mom won't change the POA, it doesn't matter what mom wants, sis will do what sis wants.

You're in a no-win situation. Save yourself. Take care of yourself. Put mom's needs after your own needs. Go back to work and create savings for your own old age. {{{Hugs}}}
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