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BaileyP3 Asked February 2020

Dad's obese and gaining weight in the nursing home.

Dad has been in a NH for 18 months. He's 92 and has been gaining considerable weight in the last 2 years (largely due to stress eating I suspect) and I am at my wits end. When I put he and Mom into the NH 18 months ago it was because she was suffering from dementia and would not go in alone. Within months of arrival he became less independent and although we lost Mom almost a year ago he and I both agree he could no longer live alone. Unfortunately he's in Canada and I'm in the US so I can't bring him to live with me and need to be satisfied with speaking to him daily and visiting every 6 weeks.


When my parents arrived at the NH I forewarned the staff that Dad has limited self-control when it comes to food; you put it in front of him and he'll eat the plate clean. As a result at 5'6 he's outgrown the jeans I bought him at Christmas (6 weeks ago) and now needs a 40" waist. He's currently using a walker and getting limited exercise even though I've tried to coax him to move more. The approach of the NH is that he shouldn't be limited in what he's allowed to eat at this stage of life and while I don't want him to feel deprived it puts me in a difficult position. When I travel 9 hours and book accommodation for a week at a time he and I both want him to be able to get in the car with me and get some fresh air and a change of scenery. At his current weight it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to move him around when I visit. I encourage him to exercise, he tells me he will and yet the weight increases.


In no way do I expect the NH to police his food but at some point I will be unable to take him out when I visit and at that point may need to rethink how I justify week long trips of only sitting for several hours per day in the NH lounge.


Has anyone else dealt with this? I spoke to the dietitian last summer to no avail, perhaps I was too easy-going??


Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

AnnReid Feb 2020
If he’s taking any meds for emotional stability or behavior management, his weight may well be effected by them.

Zyprexa is a drug that often causes weight and blood sugar level changes. After you’ve determined whether or not his meds are possibly responsible, request that he be seen for blood work. If there are issues in blood sugar levels, the residence may be able to serve him large volume reduced calorie foods.

Good luck- a VERY tough issue for you and for him!

CTTN55 Feb 2020
Please don't injure yourself if you continue to go and take him out.

How often do your brothers visit him?
BaileyP3 Feb 2020
They live 2 hours away and the last time they saw him was Labor Day. Pitiful

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BaileyP3 Feb 2020
To all that answered thank you so much! Some of you have said let him eat (one person even suggested that I find something else to micromanage...) and that is the approach I've been using. My biggest (only) concern is at the current rate he's going I'm not sure if the overeating will kill him before or after I have to break the news to him that I physically cannot assist him in leaving the NH when I visit.

I broke both of my wrists in October (not related to Dad) and dislocated my hip replacement in August (again, not related to Dad) which means driving 9 hours is a lot for me physically particularly if it means that I get up there and can't do more than sit with him for several hours per day then go back to a rental and repeat each day for 5 more days. If the time and cost is going to be absorbed I want him to get the most he can out of the visits.

Perhaps this is me being selfish but I know the pain that both of us are in having lost my mom (obviously him more than me) and I'm doing my best to give him the best quality of life I possibly can. I can't even imagine having to break the news that I won't be able to take him out due to his and my mobility.
At the advice of several I'm going to have another word with the staff, particularly the dietitian and see if we can switch him to a low sodium diet. He's well aware that he needs to do something with his weight for health and comfort reasons and we've had at least half a dozen conversations that he's initiated so I know that he'll be onboard. Again thanks.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
I hope you feel better soon. Broken wrists! Ouch!
elaine1962 Feb 2020
I agree with worriedincali, let him eat!! What else does he have to look forward to in a nursing home? He can’t drink alcohol, he can’t smoke cigarettes, he can’t have sex. He’s 92 let him enjoy food!!! What else can he enjoy living in a nursing home? Most of the nursing homes I have been in when my grandmother was in one and my father was in a nursing home for rehabilitation, there was nobody for them to talk to except the staff because all the other residents had dementia and couldn’t carry on a conversation in a nursing home.

worriedinCali Feb 2020
He’s 92. Let him eat. He’s lost the love of his life and is spending the rest of his life in a nursing home with nothing to look forward. I would let him eat and find something else to micromanage.

AlvaDeer Feb 2020
Is there a way that his doctor can order his diet as in calorie limits?

HelloImMinsu Feb 2020
Controversial answer, I'm sure... but he's likely grieving your mom, and at 92, likely doesn't have much time left anyway. If he likes to eat let him eat. Let him enjoy the time he has left.

lealonnie1 Feb 2020
I know I won't have The Popular Answer here, and that's fine with me............but I say, leave your father alone. Eating is probably his only pleasure at this point in his life so if obesity winds up killing him, he's died on HIS terms......by fork and knife. I truly do not believe the dietitian or anyone else will be able to prevent him from overeating, so what's the point in trying? At 92, he's earned the right to do whatever the heck he darn well pleases. If he winds up wheelchair bound as a result of his choices, you'll push him around when you go visit.

My mother is 93 and has gained around 50 lbs in Assisted Living & now Memory Care. Who cares, really? Is she suffering extra issues as a result. Yep. Am I going to be able to stop her from eating as she sees fit? Nope. So I'm not fighting that particular battle with her, thank you very much. She dieted her whole entire life and now she just doesn't care anymore, and frankly, I don't blame her. If this weight gain shortens what's left of her life, so be it. She's lived a nice long life as it is.

Wishing you the best of luck!

againx100 Feb 2020
Very frustrating, no doubt. And sad.

Does he like going out? Does he realllly understand that very soon you will not be able to take him out? What does he suggest you guys do when you visit if you can't take him out? Can he come up with answers to these questions?

He might have a strong sugar addiction at this point so maybe he really has a hard time controlling it. He is not likely to have the desire or skill to cut the sugar. He doesn't seem to mind getting fatter and fatter. It's hard. My mom weighs 50 - 75 more than she should and just does not care.

I do not think it is the fault of the NH. I mean, sure, they serve crappy food and other crappy food is available. But it is his choice on what he eats or not.

You might have to bite your tongue and just accept this.

MargaretMcKen Feb 2020
If there is a dietician at the NH, I would suggest another and much firmer chat. Sure, if someone is underweight and picky about food, at 92 it doesn’t much matter what they eat, as long as they get the calories and some protein. But if someone is obese, and increasing weight is jeopardising their mobility, allowing unlimited food surely cannot be appropriate. Suggest that each of you contacts the dietician’s licensing body to get their opinion. That might help portion size to be taken a bit more seriously.

cwillie Feb 2020
Is he getting food other than what is served in the dining room? I know that in my mom's NH some of the people were not allowed seconds or had desserts limited yet continued to gain from all the treats - inevitably high calorie junk - brought in by friends and family or available in the tuck shop.

JoAnn29 Feb 2020
NH can't make him stop eating. My daughter, a rehab/LTC RN, says they give residents way too much food. But that the State regulates what the facility has to feed them. You could ask he receive smaller portions. Do u give him spending money that he uses in vending machines.? Then no more spending money. If he is diabetic, even borderline, the facility is obligated to watch his diet. My Mom took BP pills. The facility put her on a low salt diet.

My concern would be that his body is used to a certain weight and now he has gained, it could effect his heart.
BaileyP3 Feb 2020
Thx for the response JoAnn. In answer to your questions most importantly he is a diabetic and has previously had a heart attack. When we visited at Christmastime my husband and I both reminded him that he needs to limit the sweets and get more exercise first for health concerns but also in terms of me being able to take him out of the NH.

Prior to the move there he had his numbers and insulin down to a science, walked daily and maintained a reasonable weight. Unfortunately the stress of my mom's dementia and all the life changes in the last year are likely what's causing the stress eating. Each week the NH has bingo games and the winners receive mini-chocolate bars plus he does go to the 'tuck shop' although I'm sure he's fibbing about how much he's buying. While I am POA he has cash on him for the month long periods when I'm 500 miles away. This is something that I hate to curtail, he's isolated enough as it is but....

His mentally in great shape and with the exception of occasional calls from my brother's and the widows of old buddies (all of them at least 2 hours away) I'm his connection to the outside world so it's no wonder he's eating his emotions.

Perhaps I'm being too easy-going with the NH. I've always felt you catch more flies with honey but in this case I think a different approach is necessary.

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