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taz0921 Asked January 2020

What to do when your only child (41) lies about having a nervous breakdown and says that I was the cause?

My only son is taking me to court stating that it took too much of his time to care for me (total lie) and has filed a petition in the court to appoint a Guardian for me (which I do not need whatsoever per all my doctors.) He got his Therapist to believe that it was taking him 40 to 60 hours a month to care for me, take me everywhere, shipping, doctor appts, pick up meds (they are delivered free) (more like 4 to 6 hours MAX) to the point that he was slipping at his job, could not cope, had a full nervous breakdown and when I just asked him one favor to find a Therapist that deals in Pain Management (I have Diffuse Osteoarthritis ), the Therapist (who I never met) told me that I was the worst Father she had ever met (my son was there), and how could I push him to this level of mental anguish, and all the things that only my son could have known about me). My son left, and then the Therapist Bullied me for over 30 minutes solid, and I did not say a word during the entire encounter, and since Nov 7 of last year he has blocked my phone calls, has put my email going directly into his spam folder. We had a great weekend together going out for dinner, then to a movie and he looked acted and spoke perfectly fine, and 3 days later he is a full blown nut case, per his Therapist, has not worked for weeks before the weekend. I have no idea if this is true since I have been cut off. During our outing he was telling me how well his place was doing financially, he was getting a raise...Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, and what gauls me the most that all of this is a pure lie, and what he has accused me of in the Guardianship I cannot dispute, because it is one person's word against the others, even though I used share a ride transportation for 99% of my all my appointments and going anywhere I wanted.
The attorney appointed for me by the court system is really sharp, but says he has seen many people fake nervous breakdowns, and as long as they keep up the ruse, it is almost impossible for me to push back the Guardianship. If I get a Guardian, I will loose about 90% of my constitutional rights, and I cannot even make a doctor's appointment without the approval of the guardian. This is a nightmare come true, since I did 150% more for him than any father would do for their child, since he was so appreciative, and took everything I gave to him, even money from me when I was just on SSDI checks. I bought his 1st condo, paid half for his 1st new car, and there is not enough room here for all the things I did for him out of pure love, and he has not even called me once, and the disease I have has no cure, and the only meds to push back the pain (not the spreading of the disease) are narcotics, and my primary Pain MD. has already told me that he cannot believe how well I am doing, considering the spread of the disease. This is a nice person (whom I thought) who has turned suddenly evil, and I need opinions from anyone who has anything to help me with.
I can't sleep, eat, or anything, since I am in the middle of a nightmare, and the court case will be in mid March. PERIOD, since my attorney already got a postponement. November 7th was the last day I saw or heard from him, and the petition is signed and dated and filed in the court on November 18...WOW
Thanks to anyone who replies.......Stanny

lealonnie1 Jan 2020
I have one question: If you don't need a guardian, and your doctors will agree to that fact, then how can a court appoint one for you? Wouldn't it be up to your son to prove to the court that he actually spent all those hours caring for you, meaning that someone ELSE would now have to take on that role in order for you to function?

I know nothing about such things, so that's why I'm asking.

I'm really sorry you are facing such a terrible situation. Sometimes, it seems the family members we love most are the ones who cause us the most grief. I am 62 with osteo-arthritis myself, so I know what chronic pain feels like. It's no joke. And the thought of my son or daughter trying to appoint a 'guardian' for me sounds truly unimaginable.

I am sending you a hug and a prayer that this all works out in your favor, my friend. Best of luck Stanny.
taz0921 Jan 2020
Thank you for all your prayers. I really believe that my son has, for whatever reason turned evil, and the prayers are the only thing that will push him back
NYDaughterInLaw Jan 2020
Lots of holes in this story.

"the Therapist (who I never met) told me that I was the worst Father she had ever met" So the therapist told you this or allegedly told your son this?

"My son left, and then the Therapist Bullied me for over 30 minutes solid" Why on earth would you stay when a "therapist" was behaving unprofessionally?

"and 3 days later he is a full blown nut case, per his Therapist" Therapists don't use the term "nut case".

"The attorney appointed for me by the court system is really sharp, but says he has seen many people fake nervous breakdowns, and as long as they keep up the ruse, it is almost impossible for me to push back the Guardianship." So you're saying your court appointed attorney told you that someone whose in the middle of having a nervous breakdown is going to be appointed your guardian? Highly doubtable.

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Sendhelp Jan 2020
It was your son who had the nervous breakdown, not you.

A solution would be to discontinue contact with your son, and have all your caregiving needs met by a paid professional. Last time I checked, it is not a crime to need opiate meds for your illness.

Then obtain letters of your competence in writing, to the court. (3) letters.
Pay the doctors, (not covered by your insurance for a court case.)

Barring anything you have done that is a criminal act, if against your son, or requiring him to obtain your meds illegally, I cannot understand the legal connection between his nervous breakdown, and your incompetence to care for yourself, needing a guardian. Whatever happens, make sure he does not become your guardian.

Is there more to the story, so that others can help you?
Get your own paid attorney. imo. This is a serious crossroads for you at a young age.
taz0921 Jan 2020
It is quite clear in the petition that he does not want anything to do with me, and wants the court to appoint a guardian. All the 14 meds I take monthly are all legal prescriptions.
I have never been arrested in my life, not even a speeding ticket. We both went on a one week vacation last year in Orlando, and my son told me it was one of the best vacations that he has ever taken...and then he does a 180 on his father a year later, and my attorney is very good...he is telling mke to get tested for dementia, brain tumors. infectious diseases, so beside the Osteoarthritis, I am clean, and have nothing else going on. You cannot get that many appointments in this short amount of time.

Again this is a pure Nightmare that just came out of the blue, and this entire time I have not heard from him, and it is I who have a non-curable disease which is slowly taking over my body. I have lost 4 inches in height do to cartilage loss, and this disease moves wherever it wants, and cannot be stopped, or even pushed back.
Thank for your words. They are comforting.
TNtechie Jan 2020
Stanley, I'm so sorry for your situation and your pain and disappointment over your son's actions.

Is the lawyer the court appointed your guardian at litum for the guardianship hearing? Is this lawyer the one asking you to have all these additional tests after you already have competence statements from your established doctors?

If the court appointed attorney is the guardian at litum, he should be investigating any claims made in the guardianship petition to confirm or dispute them. Laws differ from state to state but in TN he would have the ability to access all your health and financial records. In TN the opinion of your doctors has more weight than any thing else so make sure you have your recent medical reports available to present to the court as well as statements of competency. See a second doctor for an additional evaluation and statement. I would not have any additional medical tests requested by the court appointed lawyer if your own doctors have already provided competency statements.

There may be a possible conflict of interest with the guardian at litum, as he may stand in line to become your guardian, particularly if you have funds he can use to pay himself for his time. Please engage your own personal attorney certified in elder law to make sure you have a vigorous defense and all your rights are properly protected; talk with the independent attorney you engage before you consent to any additional testing.

Can you get a log of your trips with the transportation service?

Start thinking about who you would like to see as your DPOA and HCPOA so you can have your attorney prepare those documents as soon as the guardianship petition is dismissed. If the court decides to grant a guardianship, your named preference would have a great deal of weight, particularly since you and your son have relationship problems. There are some law and geriatric case management firms with case managers and SWs who can serve as guardians or POAs as needed. You may be better off with an independent firm named as your POA or guardian than your son at this point. A cousin, friend or clergy a few years younger might be a good choice too.

TXGirl82 Jan 2020
Hi Stanny: Can you find an elder law attorney who could advise you on setting up a living trust? This is sometimes mentioned in elder law articles as a way to avoid having the court appoint a guardian for you.

I don't know whether you can afford it or whether this would even work, since your son has already filed the petition, but it might be worth a shot to circumvent this problem.

... and I'm so sorry you have to endure this.

TXGirl82 Jan 2020
Another thing: I'm surprised that your court-appointed attorney seems to think a former "caregiver's" alleged nervous breakdown makes his petition a slam-dunk. I've always read that gaining guardianship, which deprives the potential ward of many of his civil rights, is difficult.

It should be difficult. Your lawyer's statements don't make sense to me (or there's something more to this situation).
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Yeah, it’s frightening to read a statement like his lawyer said. I agree that there must be something else going on for a son to fabricate such a horrendous story to his therapist.

The therapist is terribly unprofessional as well. I can’t imagine a therapist telling someone off. Therapist are supposed to be safe company. I have never been told off by of my therapist. I can’t imagine him telling anyone off.
TXGirl82 Jan 2020
Stanny: I'm encouraged to read your post about what your doctors have to say. And if my adult child's therapist was in my home and suddenly turned on me, I probably would have sat there in shock, too, while she went off on me.

Some therapists are a little nutty themselves (Can I say that?), and are working out their own issues through their patients.

I hope you will try to find an elder law attorney who can at least offer you a second opinion.

Sendhelp Jan 2020
Stanny,
I am not a lawyer.
It occurs to me why you would need to be tested at all for anything at this point, because you have doctors who know you willing to write letters confirming your competency. Already.

You won't be at your best, this is a very upsetting issue. Seeing a doctor to diagnose whether you have dementia or not can be ordered by the court if there is any doubt. Please note: Having dementia at any stage; having a medical condition. having a mental illness, or a drug dependency DOES NOT render a person automatically incompetent. It just doesn't. So why would you want to do their work for them by being so examined? Can you wait until there is a need for that? Surprised your attorney would request it. You don't have to prove your competence, they have to prove your incompetence.

I am smelling a rat here. What does your son have to gain having you declared incompetent? Are you sure the "therapist" is a bonafide, licensed professional?
Are they committing some kind of a scam against you? Does your son also have a personal relationship with this supposed "therapist"?

Have you appeared in court, been served legal papers, with a court case that can be confirmed with the court clerk? It all seems so strange to me.

What exactly does your son's "nervous breakdown" look like?
rovana Jan 2020
I guess I'm confused about what the son's nervous breakdown (if real) would have to do with his dad's competency? If son cannot or will not cope with caregiving, well that does not make dad incompetent does it? Son can just bow out.
JoAnn29 Jan 2020
I thought guardianship could not be gotten if you are competent to handle your own affairs. Which u seem to do. Get those records showing your share rides. The pharmacy must have records of your deliveries. Anything that shows ur independent. Drs. letters. Don't reply on the lawyer to do it. I see no reason why u would need a guardian at this time. You will need to be present so u can be asked questions.

Maybe you did too much for your son.
taz0921 Jan 2020
Yep, I sure did, and now he wants to get rid of me forever. He own two properties paid in full, His work is all set, since they love him there. If you are a rear end kisser to the big bosses, they all love you, and then it's just a game to get them on your side, because they feel obligated.

I am living a true nightmare, and my son has turned EVIL, AND NO-ONE WILL CHANGE MY MIND FOR ME.
Thank you all with all your opinions and prayers, but there are loopholes...look at the clown most of us voted to be our pres, and now try to get rid of him. Lotsa Luck....it could take forever, and the country goes down the hill. We are already rated as #15 in the world to live in. We used to be in the top 3....what happened. Someone who knew how to file bankruptcy using other peoples money, made the right friends in the right places, did favors that non of us would do.
GardenArtist Jan 2020
Stanny, you'll need to fight back, not literally, but figuratively and legally.

Get together all your medical reports, but if you don't have copies of any yet, ask your doctors to provide you with medical reports to be used in court to fight a guardianship.  

I'm not clear on the confrontation with the therapist.   You wrote, in part:

"... the Therapist (who I never meet) told me that I was the worst Father she had ever met (my son was there), and how could I push him to this level of mental anguish, ...My son left, and then the Therapist Bullied me for over 30 minutes solid, and I did not say a word during the entire encounter."  

Was this during a phone call?  Why in the world didn't you stand up to her or just hang up on her?   You had no duty to listen to her.     This is not criticism, but it infers passivity, which I hope you can overcome as it appears as though you son is taking advantage of your good nature.

If I understand correctly, the therapist is a protagonist in this effort.    If so, I think you have a complaint against her.   Therapists should not be involved in this way, nor should they be accusative.   I'm struggling to comprehend why and what motivation a therapist would have for being so rude to you.

I've worked with a lot of them, some of whom were terrible (and were fired), but I documented.    Are you doing so, i.e., did you document this conversation?  Has she contacted you (or vice versa) since then?

Notwithstanding that, her accusations apparently are based entirely on hearsay.   If she plans to testify, make sure your attorney is aware that she doesn't have first hand knowledge.   And if I'm correct, has never met you.   She's not qualified to make an assessment based on the existing conditions, especially based on hearsay from your son.

Is your son bi-polar?   Has he ever had mental treatment, or been this nasty to you in the past?   I think you may have to get used to the concept that he won't be a positive aspect in your life, and plan to move forward without him.  

Your attorney sounds like a good person; does he have any observations on your son's behavior?
taz0921 Jan 2020
Hello: No, the Therapist was in my home, and she was there initially to see if she could help me with pain management, and then it was like I was in the Twilight Zone. That's why she bullied me for about a half hour, and I was just shocked and dumbfounded. It was like, Is this really happening, my son did not say a word. He came early, and we talked for about a hour before the Therapist came, and he acted exactly the same. We talked about going grocery shopping together later, which was our usual thing to do on that day, and just talking about nothing in particular. There was NO indication that he had it in for me, or I did anything, and that's why this is a nightmare.
Thank for your kind words, but it is his word and his doctors and Therapists against me. When my Attorney spoke with me face to face, he looked at me at the end of our conversation and told me that I was not anything like what what listed in the Court order. He said it's like the wrong person got the order for Guardianship.
I have already spoken to two of my Doctors, and they have given me letters of recommendation and totally denounced what the read in the court Document, that my son was never with me, or even in the waiting area for the 4 years I went to him. They all know I use a County Provided share a ride program all the time, and neither can understand this, except for that people suddenly turn evil for no reason, and other people pay the price.
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