I imagine that this does not happen in normal healthy relationships, where you have a lifetime of mutual love and caring to fall back on when you need patience and compassion.
But for those that didn't have that, does anyone else get physical anxiety symptoms and overwhelming feelings of dread? If so what do you do?
I was able to hold my mom off for two days so no way I'm getting out of seeing her later this afternoon and eve. I'm so tired of her digs and questions about how I spend my time. The implication being I'm not spending enough time with her. The weather is cloudy today so I know she will complain about it non-stop and her usual negativity. I'm dreading this to the point that I actually feel sick to my stomach.
I absolutely hate that I have this visceral reaction to my own mother.
I don't always do this but after I finish a couple chores I'm going to have a big glass of wine and force myself out of this dreadful mood. It's not fair to anyone for me to be this way. I was part of the decision making in moving her here and I need to suck it up until she is ready for a facility. I just hope I can do it and not go crazy. I really underestimated how difficult this would be so my coping skills still need a lot of work.
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I have made a few changes recently that seem to help. I stay less time, 45 minutes is enough. I go three days a week but will soon be cutting down to two. I also have begun limiting phone conversations to just a few each week. Mom is usually pretty nasty on the phone.
If you have lived your whole life trying to please someone, hoping to prevent them from abusing you, then coping skills might not be enough. You might need to consider limiting contact. There is no shame in that.
Please protect yourself. Your feelings are your body's way of telling you to avoid the harm your mother will cause.
It is not a matter of you needing better coping skills, it is a matter of avoiding your trigger, which is your mother.
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It is horrible feeling this way about one's mother, but don't hate yourself for that. You didn't break this relationship - she did and is. Care for yourself, look after yourself. while you look after your mother's needs but not her wants necessarily, Don't allow the situation to break you.
I had an okay relationship with my mom; not great, not what I have with my daughters, but okay. No major drama and my mom, even with dementia, was pretty reasonable. By which I guess I mean I could get her to do what I needed her to. My siblings and siblings in law all agreed about mom's care so no drama there either.
Nonetheless, as mom's cognitive decline started, going to see her became more and more painful. I just NEVER knew what I was going to find. I had lost my "good enough mother".
I recognized that what was happening was that I was grieving, in a very real and visceral way, the person who taught me a lot of useful stuff. How to read labels, how to say "no", how to be a good mother in law.
As her MCI advanced to dementia, she would argue with me about the appropriateness of an "anti itch" cream based on its name, not its ingredients. She would claim that she was being required to manage her own medications in rehab...when the nurse had just given them to her! She started imagining slights from relatives that weren't happening.
I can only imagine how, with a lifetime of "not" a good relationship with your mom, these problems are exacerbated. I should have gone back into therapy when this started, but I didn't, and I'm left with some very bad habits that I wish I didn't have.
Piper, what you are feeling is totally expect-able. Mindfulness meditation helps.
When my internist, whose MIL was living with him at the time, inquired into my weight gain, I told him honestly that I attributed it to the very good local ice cream near my mom's NH and a lot of white wine upon getting home.
He sighed and said "bourbon is better".
Please take care of yourself.
Enough is enough.
Boundaries MUST be set down with these women or our entire LIVES will be destroyed. I already have a weight issue, a drinking issue, a smoking issue and all sorts of other hang ups, thanks to all the BS I've suffered my whole life. It's taken me decades to get those issues under control, yet EVERY time I see my mother or speak to her, the FIRST thing I want is a drink, a cigarette and a candy bar. Gee, I wonder why?
Figure out what suits YOU as to when you will visit the woman. Make a schedule of X time(s) per week and then stick to it like glue. If she doesn't like it, she can lump it.
Sorry for being blunt. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, if you know what I mean.
Good luck Piper. And may God help you make some decisions in YOUR best interest.
Time for me to bring up scheduling time with her, again. Another difficult conversation because she doesn't think boundaries should apply between mother and children, or something.
One time in my early 20's I stopped by my parents with a date. My dad had refinished their basement and made a gorgeous huge bar that was great for socializing. My dad was great, but my mom got sloppy drunk and fell asleep right at the bar. I can't remember where my dad was but I was so embarrassed I coaxed my mom up and to her bedroom (stopping to put her on the toilet first so she didn't pee the bed). The next day I had to stop over there and told her to please not do that because I was embarrassed I had to take her to bed in front of a guy I just met. Her response to me: "You should be HONORED to help me to bed".... No lie. That is exactly what she said and it's burned in my brain. There are other stories but you get the point.
I just have to constantly push back until I can place her, it's all I can do right now.
It seems like your husband is a good buffer for you. Mine is too, and I feel lucky to have that because I don't think I'd be as patient as he is. He too will answer the phone or door when I am just NOT up for it. I also rarely see her unless he is with me because when we are alone she is the most nasty.
And the bad habits, I get that too. I'm honest with my doctor about my drinking and get my physicals and blood work. I know to never mix with xanax or drive. But right now I can not see a time when I will not want to have a drink before and directly after dealing with my mother. The freaking anxiety is REAL, and in some ways I think that heightened state is worse for the body than a few drinks. I noticed over the summer when she was at her cottage I drank very little, except for when she was fighting with me on the phone over the driving BS.
Let us know how your visit goes today. Cheers!
When I drive the 3 miles to my MIL's house - as I get within about a mile, I feel my adrenaline go crazy - - full on "Fight or Flight" mode!
I think it is the stress of not knowing what I'll walk into - will she be calm and compliant, will she be on the floor from a fall, will she be worked up over a fight she picked with other family members?? What will I find?? I just don't know.
Thank you for this topic, if only to see that I might not be crazy or imagining this!!
My stomach still clenches up every frickin’ time the phone rings. Still.
Then there’s the intense feeling of dread - even though I know she’s long gone - when I come home from being out a few hours, when I look at the landline to check to see if there are any “missed calls”.
I keep wondering when this phone phobia is going to go away. I keep wondering if it’s EVER going to
go away...
I'm sorry Rainmom. Do you still have the same phone? If so I wonder if getting a new phone that looks different would help? The sight of the phone itself might be a trigger, so maybe that wouldn't happen with a new one?
I quit obsessing about Mom's dementia and endless complaints. I fulfill her needs. Attempting to fulfill the wants is a bottomless vortex.
Mom is mentally ill with a diseased brain and will never get well. I can practice self-care by doing things that relax and engage my mind, exercise, and practice healthy eating habits. I refuse to go down with her.
May I suggest going low contact? Though I can't say it eliminated my anxiety, it certainly helped. Your mom undoubtedly expects daily contact but that isn't healthy for you. Your health and peace of mind matter, too!
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