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I have a difficult relationship with my mom. Maybe even a non-existing one. When I barely turned 18, I found out I was pregnant. I told my mom on Christmas day and she threw me out of the house. I went from home to home while I was pregnant because I didn't have a steady place to stay. I was resentful she did that to me. During my pregnancy, I was a victim of domestic violence from the father of my baby. I had to get a restraining order against him. I left him when I was 6 months pregnant. The best decision I have ever made was leaving him. I was broke, depressed, and had a complicated pregnancy. I worked retail up until I gave birth. My mom didn't reach out to me to help or wonder what was going on with me. She said that I deserved to be treated bad by the father and that one day he was going to take my baby away. I put myself through college and finally started making money when I was 24 years old. I am now financially stable and my mom is financially struggling. I resent my mother very much for putting me through what I went through. I don't see her the same. She threw me out and as well as her unborn grandchild. To this day, has never said sorry or acknowledged what I went through or what she did to me. I feel that throwing me out of the house like she did, she was setting me up for failure. I needed her more during that time and she wanted nothing to do with me. I am also very mad at my family. Why didn't anyone stand up to my mom and say "HEY! This isn't right to do this to your pregnant daughter!" now at the age of 31 I am getting therapy to help with my past trauma and the anxiety I get around my mother. She is oblivious to the fact that she upsets me. I pity her sometimes because I want to yell at her about what I am feeling, but I might just give her a heart attack with my dark words.


She is now 72 and I see what type of person she is. Narcissistic and manipulative. She would ask me for money and make me feel bad if I didn't give it to her. I wouldn't realize until after the fact that she just manipulated me. With Therapy I can pin point when she is doing it in real time. She refuses to apply for social security benefits or Medicare because of some stupid belief they will take her home. She would rather ask me for money from me than get her retirement benefits she deserves. I feel used. She didn't care about me when I was financially struggling and working my butt off to get on my feet!! Why should I care about her!! During my years of struggling, her solution when we starting talking again after my baby was born (I reached out to her) was to take the baby away from me. She said that I was too young to care for a baby. She was going to try and file papers to take my baby away from me. I wasn't a bad mom. I was just a young mom struggling to make ends meet. Little did I know when I got older that the reason she wanted to take my baby away was because she would get some type of military or disability benefits for the baby from my dad. It was about money and still is!!


I try to limit my contact with her. When she calls and I see her name on my caller ID I get anxious and sometimes re-traumatized by her. We don't have a relationship so all she has is to ask me for stuff. Buy her this, get her a new phone, or buy her medicine. Fake herbal medicine BTW. Stuff you get at the swap meet or some weird online sites. She doesn't have health insurance to go to a real doctor because like I said she is afraid the government will take away her home.


After all these years and finally getting the help I need all I want is my mom to leave me alone and take care of herself. Is that so bad?! I will talk to her on my own terms, not when she wants to ask me for something. I feel like I'm only useful to her because I am making money and she wants her piece of the pie. I guess I am just ranting here. It is hard sometimes to take care or feel something other than resentment as she ages. She will need more care

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If this were my mother, I'd have little or no contact with her. I'd tell her to go to the senior center and ask their counselors for advice.  She has some strange ideas and probably would not take advice, but at least your conscience is clear that you helped her in the wisest way you could. I don't think handing out money in response to her requests is wise - how helpful is that really? Maybe for an immediate life-or-death need, but that doesn't sound like what is going on here.  She can help herself and she is responsible to do so.
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I so admire you, young87! You persevered through the darkness of trauma and made it through to the brighter side. Good for you for seeking mental and emotional health.

Do you get ANY benefit from your mother? Emotional support? Mental support? Moral support? No? None?

Bottom line: cut off ALL contact.

Toxic people like your mother only suck the life out of their victims. There's no reason for you or your daughter to have anything to do with her. She can manage her own affairs. I can understand your wanting your daughter to have a relationship with a grandmother...just not this one.

The thought of taking that step of going no-contact is daunting, yes, but once you commit to taking that step, it's paradise. Then you can fully heal and look forward.

Best wishes to you, young87! Please let us know how you're doing.
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Young 87
I would tell this horrible woman EXACTLY how her terrible behavior hurt you and affected your life, then I would cut off ALL contact with her immediately and permanently. This (sadly) goes for your daughter too. She will try and use her too, at some point, just like she is trying to use you. After all, where was her love for her grandchild when she was in your womb?
Don't allow your child to be set up to experience the same pain she has caused you. At 12, she is old enough to understand the basics. Ask your therapist the best way to explain to her how your mother hurt you and let her know that you don't want her to hurt by this woman.
Good for you for succeeding despite her. Forgive her, for your sake, but NEVER forget, and just walk away. If you do, she will find a way to meet her own needs.
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On another thread there was a book suggested called Boundries by Cloud and Townsend. Another member said that its very good. Its done with a Christian outlook.
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My daughter was 16 when she got pregnant. I stayed home and took care of my Gson so she could finish school and go on for her LPN. At 19 she had a well paying job and moved into her own apartment. We still babysat when needed because of her shifts. She leased a car so she didn't need a cosigner. At 24 she bought her own house. At 30 she went back to school for her RN. Except for a loan for down payment on her house, that was paid back with her tax return, she has asked us for no other money. She did it all on her own, which it seems you have and need to be proud of that. Please, go with your instincts and therapist. Keep your distance. You have a child to think about and she doesn't need to be brought into this turmoil.
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Riverdale Jan 4, 2019
What an amazing story you have shared. It is also one that shows the true meaning of motherhood. Congratulations to your family for all you have accomplished and the willingness to impart your experiences in order to help someone else.
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Your situation is also cultural, in that spanish is even more tied to family in ways I admit, I do not fully agree with when the dysfunction hurts you, the daughter, so much it makes you ill. In other ways, warm family ties are admirable, imo.

Detaching with love may not be an option?

What does your therapist tell you?

Others can tell you to detach, however, will that be too impossible for you?

Can you just stop giving money?
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I am learning to set boundaries. I don't get respect from her or my family. They to this day still see me as the young teen mom, but my mother sure doesn't have a problem asking for this young moms money. smh...
I avoided seeing my family this year for thanksgiving and for Christmas. I didn't feel like being personally attacked by them. She will need more care and that scares me. It is hard to help someone who won't help themselves. My mother and I have a cultural/language barrer that makes communicating with her difficult as well. Her english isn't that great and my spanish isn't that great so talking to her can be difficult. If I say in spanish I won't say it right and If i say in english she probably wont get it. "no" is very clear in any language but she doesn't understand either.
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I have tears in my eyes. I just can't imagine living with someone like this. How do you people ever have any confidence in yourselves? You are all strong women/men. Do you realize that?

Your Mom is not the only person's parent on this site that is confused when it comes to Medicare and Medicaid.

Medicare and SS are earned. You pay into both of them when you work. Mom needs to file for SS. She will now get full SS. Now Medicare is a little different. If you don't sign up at 65, there are penalties when you finally do. I would not get involved with this but maybe you can find someone willing to take Mom to the SS office. If she was married for 10 yrs, she maybe able to get SS based on husband/exes SS. Call your local Office of Aging to see if they can help.

Medicaid, they do not take a home but they do apply a lean at time the person passes. So when the house is sold, they get reimbursed. If she receives Medicare, Medicaid becomes the secondary.

If Mom has no money, she is going to lose her house for nonpayment of taxes or mortgage, if she has one.

I would block Mom if her calls upset you this much. Change your phone number. 72 is not that old. Mom can take care of herself. I guess your therapist has already told you not to engage with her. So glad you have not given her money up to this point. Once you start, hard to stop. You owe this woman nothing. She left you to sink and swim.

I know we are suppose to forgive but we don't have to forget.
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Stop answering the phone or returning her calls. I cannot figure out why you would even want a person who threw you away back in your life. You saw how successful you could be on your own. Keep going and don't look back.
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young87 Jan 4, 2019
I keep somewhat of contact for my daughter. She is a good grandma. At least for now. I wouldn't even talk to her if it wasn't for my daughter. I still want my daughter to have a relationship with her. My daughter is 12 now so if my mother wants to talk to her she can call her cell phone instead of me.
I do block my mothers calls. When I see her name on the caller ID I already know its because she wants something. I just recently started blocking her for days at a time and doing that feels awesome. I unblock her when I am ready to talk to my mom. My mother is ridiculous sometimes. She has called before just to say why don't I call her every day! Made me want to block her for even a longer period of time.
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Your mother-she doesn't get a piece of the pie.

Ask yourself, would you support a friend, a down and out stranger if they treated you this way? Would you give them money more than once?

You may need to love yourself more, the kind of understanding and nurturing love your mother was never, is never, going to give.
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Dear Young,
How is your child doing in this relationship with her grandmother?
I would fear for her, and for disruption between you and your daughter
wth this toxic 72 year old. There is danger there. I am wondering if that is why you even attempt a relationship. Has she fooled her grand daughter?

Ask your therapist how best to end it with your mother.
"After all these years and finally getting the help I need all I want is my mom to leave me alone and take care of herself. Is that so bad?! "
I think having her leave you alone is a good plan, unless she has hooked your daughter. So glad for you that you are getting help.

There is something more than narcissists. It is called sociopathy. The sociopath will lie to you that at age 72 (retirement is 65) she is not receiving SS. That is not likely, especially if she has Medicare, but I am not an expert. What is the makeup of her household, and are you living there? Is a husband supporting her?

You can change this. I do not want to see you suffer anymore.
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young87 Jan 4, 2019
my daughter does have a relationship with her. I have fears too that she will upset my daughter. The reason I do keep in contact at times is for my daughter. My daughter does know what is going on and I don't want her to think the relationship I have for my mom is normal.
I wish I could cut off complete contact with my mom. At least, for a little while. I have thought about never talking to my mom again.
I am not living with my mom. I was out since she kicked me out at 18. During those years living away from her calmed me down. I repressed my feelings towards her for many years. At 28, I decided I wanted to save more money to buy a home. I thought I could live with my mom and it would be ok. My boyfriend at the time knew my history with my mom and tried to talk me out of it. I had a serve lapse in judgement and moved in with my mom anyway. Living with my mother after 10 years on my own was a huge mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know how much of a irresponsible person she was. Instead of saving the $1000 a month i had planned to save for the next year, she manipulated me into helping her with her past due bills. I wish I was stronger at that time to say no! She would tell me because I am her daughter I am obligated to help her. I believe her shit! Seeing her everyday was starting to give me panic attacks and flash backs of what she did to me the past few years and continues to do so. I cut her off and moved out with barely any savings because like a dummy I was tying to help her out. I have more money saved now that when I moved in with her. Ridiculous right?
My dad is still with my mom and I am pretty sure she has milked my dad dry. I don't think they love each other anymore they are just roommates. There is a big difference between my mom and dad when it comes to money. My mom feels she is entitled for me to give her money. My dad only asked me for $50 once last year. I love my dad and he hardly ever ask anything of me so i gave him $100. He almost cried, gave me a hug, and said thank you. I am more willing to take care of my dad over my mother any day.
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Don't take those calls! Block the number, straight away. I understand from my own experience just what the stress can do to you, and it gets worse. If you want to talk to her 'on your own terms', fair enough, but it would probably be better to give yourself the rest of 2019 off!
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You are very admirable taking care of your child and your education the way
you did. Congratulations for becoming financially independent! I'm sorry your
Mom is so selfish and delusional, she has not been able to love and appreciate
you and your accomplishments.

It's so hard to comprehend that some parents wish to use and abuse their own
precious children, whether adult or minor, and want nothing more than to make
them totally dependent so they can use and abuse them at will. Some of this
can be unconscious, but the damage is pretty much the same.

That said, sounds like your Mom is mixing up Medicaid with Medicare and SS.
Help her get her facts straight and apply for her benefits. Absolutely do not
give her any more money. Those benefits are there for her to use, so you
are endangering your financial well being and also giving her power and control
over you that is dangerous to your health and happiness.

Personally, I'd stay away. Many of us here have been sucked in by the guilt tripping and have lost health, money, relationships, and career opportunities
living at the beck and call of our parents. Regardless of our efforts, we have
still been treated with abuse and disrespect. Sounds like you'll be in for the
same. Abusive narcissistic parents do not change when they're old, it's usually
more of the same, but this time with back breaking work and costly expenses.
Beware!!
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young87 Jan 4, 2019
Thank you for your kind words. I still feel like a loser sometimes because of her. My goal with therapy is to change how I feel about myself and how I react to her. My mother will never change, but I can change. She does have it mixed up and I have told her many times those benefits are yours. I even applied for food stamps for her and health insurance. She went and cancelled those right away. I have tried. I work in the legal field and I explain the law to her regarding benefit to no avail. She still sees me as a young teen mom that doesn't know jack, but she sure has no shame in asking this young teen mom for money.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. The resentments are real, and valid, and I can't say I blame you for wanting to minimize your contact with the woman. Enough is enough. It's a wonderful thing that you're going for therapy to help you identify the hurtful behavior, and the triggers that make you anxious. Every time I have to call or see my narcissistic 92 y/o mother I feel anxiety, some days worse than others. I am 61 years old myself and STILL feeling trauma from my mother. After I had fled an abusive relationship *when I was 19* and thought I was pregnant, my mother had a total meltdown, rushing me to the emergency room *there were no in home pregnancy tests in those days*, chastising and ridiculing me the whole way, worrying about what people would SAY about HER vs. my wellbeing. Instead of providing support, she did the opposite.......what else is new? Turned out I was not pregnant, fortunately, otherwise God knows what sort of a torture chamber she would have put me through.

The good news is this: you and I have BROKEN the cycle of dysfunction that went on for who-knows-how-many generations before us? We do not, and will not, ever treat OUR children the way WE were treated. I have a good relationship with my 2 children because I invested myself in them...........I do not ask them for anything, nor do I plan to ask them for money, in home care, or any other such thing as I age. I'd prefer to end my own life before ruining theirs, do you know what I mean?

In any event, you are not 'wrong' to have the feelings you have. While I think our parents did the best they could for us, given their own dysfunctional upbringing, there is still resentment to deal with on our part. It's valid. The best thing we can do is minimize contact with them, and try to find forgiveness in our hearts. Forgiveness, by the way, is not for THEM, it is for US. Anger & resentment just eats up the soul and changes us for the worst. Easier said than done, and I'm STILL working on forgiveness after all these years, but I recognize the healing nature it would bring to ME.

Best of luck to you! Feel free to come here to 'rant' any time.........I think most of us can understand & empathize with what you're feeling. In many ways, we're all in the same boat. Remember to take care of YOU in the process, okay? Your mother is ENTITLED to Social Security benefits; she's PAID for them. Refusing to accept those benefits because of a paranoid delusion should not become YOUR problem! Suggest she contact an elder care attorney for a free consultation so HE or SHE can tell her how the cow chews the cud. Coming from you the info will be useless........coming from someone else it may be just what the doctor ordered!!
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young87 Jan 4, 2019
Thank you. It is nice to know that I am not the only feeling this way. I felt ashamed and embarrassed at times that I still felt resentment after all these years. I used to think to myself "why am i not over it yet?!?!" this resentment and trama I have affects me in every aspect in life. To my parenting and my relationships with other people. This is why I decided to go to therapy. Therapy helps a lot. Teaching me to say no! I don't want to be like my mother. I take care of myself financially and physically for my daughter. I want to give her good life without her worrying about me. God forbid she has to have the stress and worry I have with my mother. I understand, I would never want to be a financial burden to my daughter.
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I understand. My mother was manipulative and narcissistic as well, though she did look after herself financially. Your only recourse is setting very clear boundaries. She is trying to guilt you into helping her by refusing to apply for the benefits she could get. I am glad you are in counselling. To her requests, "No, I couldn't possibly do that", or just "No," or, "Let me think about it," then say "No," later. I was traumatized by my mother's phone calls at times so I didn't answer them. She seems to see you as a free ride for her. Uh -uh! You have worked hard to establish yourself and deserve respect for that, not to be used. I suspect she is using the line about losing her home to the govt as a means justify asking you for things.

" all I want is my mom to leave me alone and take care of herself. Is that so bad?"

No, that's is not so bad - but - here's the hitch - you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

You can protect yourself from her calls, when (if) you do talk to her, you can say "No" to her demands. In fact you need to do that for your own sake and it may help her to become more independent.

Yes, eventually she will need more care. At the worst, she can become a ward of the state, The stress she is causing you is too much. By all means, set your terms and stick to them, You and your child need space from her. ((((((hugs))))), I wish I had set better boundaries sooner.
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