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dsteff22 Asked January 2020

My mom refuses to move out of my house! Any advice?

My 80 yo mom has lived with me and my daughter for 18 years. She’s healthy, but doesn’t do anything physically or socially, and because of this she is declining quickly. I have tried COUNTLESS times to find her activities to do, but she refuses everything!! She used to help with caring for my daughter when she was young and doing yard work and cooking once in awhile, but other than that she has never helped financially with the house. Now that my daughter is in college, I want to sell the house. I’m tired of the maintenance and with rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes, things aren’t as easy for me anymore. I am also nearing retirement myself and don’t want to be tied down to a house. I originally offered to get us each an apartment in a nearby adult community. I was going to pay for everything. Well it has turned into a nightmare!! My mom says she refuses to move and she’d rather live on the street than in an apartment I pay for. She claims she doesn’t want to be a charity case, but I don’t understand because I’ve always paid for everything anyway. My mom does not have the financial means to live on her own. My sister, who won’t help financially or won’t let my mom stay with her, has completely disowned me because of “how I made my mom feel”. When I first approached my mom with the idea, her initial suggestion was to have my daughter quit college and come home and go to community college!! (because she thought I wanted to sell for financial reasons - not the case but that’s what she still believes). She has been very angry and bitter (actually long before this she has been very unhappy) and now has resorted to trying to spin things to make me look bad to my daughter and make herself and my sister look like they’ve financially assisted me (all stories are exaggerated - and beside, as family, we’ve all helped each other at one point or another - isn’t that what families do?) My mom doesn’t see that I was trying to make life easier for both of us; she says I’m “kicking her to the curb”. I’ve apologized countless times for any misunderstandings, but she won’t accept my apology. I remain the family villain. I am at the point now where I feel like pulling my offer off the table to pay for her apartment and make her and my sister figure out the next chapter of her life.
Please help!! Any outside advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Let me tell you a little story to ease your mind: my mother NEVER lived alone, ever in her entire life. She was 100% dependent upon others for everything, too afraid to drive even. She moved directly from her parents house in with her new husband, until I had to move both of them into an Independent Living apartment after dad couldn't drive anymore & mother refused to. After all those years, it 'wouldn't be right' to force her to pay bills or drive or do anything any other adult would have to do. Right? So then dad broke his hip and had to go to rehab, leaving mother ALONE in her apartment for over a month! ALONE, and she insisted she could NOT live alone EVER, she was petrified someone would break in and kill her or rape her or rob her. But she had no other choice so she lived alone, and it worked out just fine.

Then I had to move them into Assisted Living b/c of dad, and I did, and they were both fine there too........then dad died, which she said would 'never happen'.......she insisted they'd 'die together', but the odds were against that, obviously. So there she was alone, again, insisting she could NOT live alone, etc.

Here it is 5 years later. Mother is STILL living alone and doing JUST FINE! She's been moved from the ALF into the Memory Care annex and all is well. She will be 93 this month.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks. You just can't play the guilt card on yourself or come up with 1000 excuses why it Won't Work or how Mother Deserves To Live With You Forever Because How Can She POSSIBLY Survive Alone In Her Own Place? I'm here to tell you she CAN and she WILL, IF you have the courage to ALLOW her to.

We are all stronger than we THINK we are. We all have the inner resources to thrive and to function in different environments. We may think we can't, due to being coddled for too long by too many. But by God, give the woman a chance and she can have a beautiful life of her own. And so can YOU!

Best of luck!

AlvaDeer Jan 2020
It is time to move Mom out whether she likes it or not. After two decades of your enabling this that will not be easy. I suggest you both attend a therapist to help you both adapt and adjust to this. I would speak with her gently and lovingly to tell her that this is not working for you. That it is not her FAULT, but that it is a fact. Tell her that you are selling the house and you will be getting an apartment large enough only for you. See a realtor and put the house on the market. Make it clear that this is a life decision you are making for yourself. Make it clear you will be there to help and assist her as much as your own life enables you to be and that you will help her to seek assisted living when she must.
A lot of this has been your own choices and decisions so you will need to accept that, then move on to making good new and healtier decisions for yourself. None of it will be easy. So sorry for your pain.
dsteff22 Jan 2020
Thank you!

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ArtistDaughter Jan 2020
Might your mom be really frightened at the thought of change, to be by herself in an apartment when she's had you for 18 years. She's maybe not accepting her fear and is instead angry and causing issues for you with your sister and your daughter. Ask her what she's afraid of. Then try to lessen those fears with solutions to each imagined horror. Also let her know that you ARE selling the house and moving to an apartment and that she can have her own place nearby if she wants. If she doesn't want that, ask what does she want because the house WILL be sold and so she can't stay there.
dsteff22 Jan 2020
Thank you! ☺️
worriedinCali Jan 2020
Here’s the thing. If your mom has never lived alone, that’s her problem not yours. You should obviously take it in to consideration and have empathy for her & I’m sure you do. But the fact that she may not have ever lived a lone doesn’t mean you are obligated to let her live out the rest of her days under your roof. There is no reason she can’t move to a senior living situation. It’s not like she will be alone, she will be around by people her own age and there will be activities she can participate it. It’s not your job to make sure she’s not alone. It’s not your responsibility to be her entertainment committee. She’s 80, she’s not dead. It’s up to HER to stay active and keep herself happy. Putting her in IL or a retirement complex isn’t abandoning her. So don’t let anyone guilt you and make you out to be the bad guy because you aren’t. She’s been with you for 18 years. If your sister is so adamant mom should live with one of her children then tell her straight up to come get mom and take her in! I would sell the house. Your mom will be fine. Maybe she will change her tune when the for sale sign goes up and people starting coming to view the house. Find a few housing opportunities for her and tell her to pick one.
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Amen!
FloridaDD Jan 2020
If she is so selfish she would rather your daughter (her own grandchild) quit college, you cannot reason with her.   Pick the best adult community you can find.  Tell her the movers will take her stuff or street it.   check with a lawyer, you may have to give her written notice of eviction
dsteff22 Jan 2020
Sad, but true 😢
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Oh my gosh! Heartbreaking story. You’re going to snap if you keep doing this. I did! I burned out, big time.

My mom stirred up so much crap with my siblings. They turned on me. I told mom and my brother that I was done. I had enough after doing ALL of the caregiving for decades, including 15 years in my home. Mom moved in with my brother.

Let me give you a few words to repeat to yourself, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

If that doesn’t work, go to therapy. Hopefully you will find a therapist as good as mine who gave me the wise advice to take my power back and never give it away again.

Find an apartment for seniors that are based on income. They are out there. My brother lived in one. My elderly cousin lives in one. They are senior apartments and cater to the elderly. They have religious services, bingo, shuttles to doctors, grocery and the pharmacy. What else do they need?

You deserve your life back. Don’t you agree?

I have a daughter in college too. She is your priority. Not your mom.

I am sorry. I don’t mean to come off as harsh. It’s just that I have been in your shoes so I feel your pain. I don’t want you to go through any more suffering.

Please tell her, don’t ask her, just say, ‘Mom, this no longer works! You will be moving out as soon as I find other living arrangements for you!’

Sadly, my relationship with my mom and siblings are non existent. It’s not how I want things to be but I have no other choice other than to accept it. At least I have my life back.

Please do whatever is right for you at this stage in your life. You have done more than your share.

Take care.
dsteff22 Jan 2020
Wow!!! Thank you so much!! Your story sounds eerily familiar! I never thought, in a million years, that my family could turn on me like this. It is heartbreaking, but I know I have to move on. I can’t change how they see me. I have an appointment with a therapist - I know I need help. Thank you again for your thoughtful words. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH - my new mantra!
freqflyer Jan 2020
dsteff22, I see that your Mom had moved in with you when she was 62. May I ask why did she move in? Was this suppose to be short-term?

Now at 80 your Mom no longer has the same energy she had when she was in her early 60's, thus I can understand why yard work is no longer on her chore list.

As for not helping financially, was your Mom's husband one who paid all the bills? If yes, then she was unfamiliar with electric, water, gas bills, mortgage, telephone, homeowner's insurance, yada, yada, yada. If only you could turn back time. This isn't new, my sig other's daughter, when she got married had no knowledge such things existed as she had always lived at home until she did get married.

Mom sounds like she's not comfortable living on her own. Did she ever live by herself? And as we age, there is always that fear that we would become ill and not be able to notify anyone.

Oh, the next time Mom says she rather live on the street, ask her "what color tent would you like?".

DotyDoty Jan 2020
First,  are you okay with living with your mom on YOUR terms?  Or would you rather see her at her own place?  Does she collect any monthly income?  You  have a right to all or some of it, in my opinion since you are clearly the caregiver and provider.  I agree with ArtistDaughter,  she's probably afraid to lose her familiar and comfort area.  But at the same time, you have to think of you.  Maybe take her with you when you review places to live.  Try to find a place that has 2-3 bedrooms (whatever you can afford), but perhaps has the same layout as her current bedroom even if she gets the larger one.  You do need to be firm.  Bring realtor to your house/make appointments to view rentals.   My point is to try to ease  your seriousness to her and  your siblings.   Or,  tell your siblings you've narrowed your choice of new address down to 3 places and they two weeks to convince your mother this is happening.  In the mean time,  start packing.   Drive it home.  If she still insists on moving homeless,  take her to sporting goods store to let her know she has to pay for her own tent, sleeping bag  etc....   sorry,  but sometimes if she can comprehend a reality check, that may be what it takes.  Also,  insist that your siblings either take over   or   provide a calendared weekends  and  week of reprieve for you. 
So far for me, my mother can still function on her own.  I don't live near, but I certainly provide mental support for my sister and financial whenever she has to drive 1.5 hours to her house to get her out of her bad decision messes she creates.  We both agree on everything and nothing is not done without the other in compliance.

HelloImMinsu Jan 2020
Your "I remain the family villain" makes me think of the "you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain" line from Dark Knight.

Sell the house, let her sort herself out. You do you, let her do her.

dsteff22 Jan 2020
Thank you all for the advice! I don’t think being on her own is her fear. In fact, she claims quite the opposite. Because she cannot contribute financially, she feels my paying for the apartment makes her a charity case. My mom has been fiercely independent her whole life. She was last divorced in 1981 and ran two successful businesses on her own. She says she doesn’t want to have to rely on anyone. While she’s been relying on me financially for the past 18 years, she feels she has at least made some contributions through her work around the house. I completely understand her inability to do as much work now - heck, I can’t do as much work now!! That’s why I want to sell!!
It’s difficult to have conversations with her. She’s always been argumentative and a screamer, and it’s even worse now. I have made an appointment with a therapist to help me navigate this. I am hoping I can get her to visit the therapist as well, either with me or on her own, but the reality is that’s highly unlikely. 😢
Thank you all again!! ☺️
lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Sorry but a person who's lived with you and been reliant on you for 18 years is not 'fiercely independent'........it's what she may THINK or the illusion she wants to believe, but it's not reality. It's time for you to move on with YOUR life and stop letting her scream at you and argue with you, when she should, in reality, be thanking you, imo.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward!!!
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