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Two years ago my husband and I took his mother in. She was in extremely poor health and could not afford to really go anywhere else that was acceptable to the family.


She has never liked me, she considered me an immoral woman, who went to the wrong church. I figured since I wasn't marrying her and didn't have to live with her. She lived in TN at the time I lived in NY that I could deal with it.


Well now she's with us. Life is a constant argument over her Dr. instructed diet, and our lifestyle.


She is a bigot when no one is around to hear her accept my husband and I. She is two faced says one thing demands something else. Example hates swearing refuses to be in the room with family members because they swear too much but will watch a movie that swears from beginning to end.


My husband loves his mother and tries very hard to take care of all her needs. He's partially retired, I work full time. He is her primary care giver. She hates my cooking, refuses to eat the same things we do because she doesn't like it it's not her way of doing things.


It's a constant workaround here, the stress is awful.


He always tells me its her age, her expectation, he always has an excuse for her. As well as at times reminding me to be more gracious, and not be mean to her.


I need some help on how to cope with this.

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Based on what you've said, I don't see how you can possibly continue living with your MIL. Frankly, I don't see how you've put up with her THIS long!!! Your husband needs to grow a spine and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, and then apply for Medicaid immediately. It's time.

Best of luck!!
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I agree with CWillie. Your husband has made this decision. It is his choice. Your only choice really now is to stay or go. You already beautifully explained all the reasons to go. Perhaps you can come up with a list of reasons to stay. Compare the lists. Decide what you must do. I would have a sit down with your husband, calmly, lovingly explain you do not feel you can live with MIL for another decade or two (you don't give her age). That you love him, will always be there to try to help and support, but may need now to live on your own. That you feel you are left now with two choices, stay or go. And that you will work this out, but would love his input. That you care deeply for him and understand his dilemma in having to choose between his Mom and you. Wishing you good luck. This is one of those AA/Al-Anon things where, in Al Anon they teach you really that you cannot change a situation, a "drinker". Your only choices are about staying or going, really.
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s truly not yours to solve but your husbands and he’s choosing his mother over all else, including peace in the home. Since he refuses to stand up to his mother, you should live as peacefully as possible for you. Cook the dinner your family will enjoy, nothing extra or special for his mother, and don’t be baited into discussing it. Don’t justify or explain anything about the way your home is run, it’s your home and she is a guest. Minimize your contact with her, be polite but distant.
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I'm so sorry, FrogPrincess! Your MIL is 91, but she could easily live for YEARS, but could you?

You matter too. This is YOUR home too. It is beyond time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. While it's admirable for your husband to care for his mother, you should be the primary person in his life.

Start the conversation the being kind to him (and thus his mother). Come up with suggestions that would suit you and hopefully him and his mother, and that includes assisted living.

You wrote in response to Geaton777: " My husband is her only son living his brother died 9 years ago. The plan had been for her to live with him but things change. Course she reminds my husband hes not her other beloved son. My husband is convinced she wishes he had died." It sounds like your husband is trying overly hard (to the detriment of both of you) to change your MIL's mind about this appalling statement. You two have put yourselves in an unwinnable situation. Time for a huge change.

Also, it sounds like your MIL has her faculties. She needs to come up with a solution too. It's not all on you two. She SHOULD NOT have free reign to insult you and make your lives difficult.

If not, I'd take that long-term vacation from this stress by accepting your daughter's office (I'm sure you'd be a very good resident). Choose to take care of you. Choose to take care of your husband (if he's keeping your mother so she'd love him better). Enough's enough.

Please let us know how you're doing. *hug*
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I wish she could but she cant stand in the kitchen long enough. Plus hubby wont allow. My hubby is not a good cook. Hes a good 'stab and fry it' guy.

She cant clean or wont. There are so many other things going on ive not mentioned.

Im just at a loss if what to do.

Thank you though for the advice
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anonymous912123 Jan 5, 2020
Start researching homes in your area to place your MIL, gather the information and have a sit down with your husband, give him the options.

Even by a stretch this is not a healthy relationship. Your husband appears to be codependent on his mother and his priorities are out of whack.

My father was a mama's boy, he lost one marriage to it, and the second turned out to be a nightmare, however, the 2nd wife had no backbone she just suffered in silence, finally taking her own life. So sad!
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"We looked for a home in TN for her but she doesnt have enough income and the conditions for a medicare bed were unacceptable."

I think you mean MedicAID bed? So what were those unacceptable conditions (and, yes, who are the "family" members that dictated this?)?

Does she contribute any $ to the household? Is your H her POA/HCPOA?

It may very well come down to you or her. And your H will choose...which one? Please continue to come to this site and share/update.
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FrogPrincess Jan 5, 2020
Conditions of the facility. Services offered. Location. What the family wanted for her was not covered.

She only has social security. It goes to her health insurance, life insurance, and the rest is spent on either the things she wants or needs and saving for returning her to Tn when she passes.

When possible money is contributed to household.

Im not sure what the acronyms mean. Can you explain?
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When you say she "could not afford to really go anywhere else that was acceptable to the family", what other family are you talking about and did that include your husband? I'm asking because if it didn't include your husband, then the other "family" should now be taking her in. I'm sure the move from TN took her away from friends and neighbors, everything familiar, so now she is dependent on her son & you for all her entertainment, social life, distractions. This is not healthy for her. Mostly it's not healthy for your marriage and in reality has little to do with whether or not you two get along (you can find many posts on this forum where in-laws got along but the loss of privacy, increased demands and added stress take its toll nonetheless). You must find a way to broach this topic diplomatically with your hubby. Your MIL sounds like a cranky senior stereotype, but has she ever had a cognitive test? You don't mention her age, so maybe this may be a possibility. I commend your hubby for his tender concern for his mom -- and you for your patience -- but his first responsibility is to his wife. Maybe have him read the responses that will post here.
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FrogPrincess Jan 5, 2020
She is 91. My husband is her only son living his brother died 9 years ago. The plan had been for her to live with him but things change. Course she reminds my husband hes not her other beloved son. My husband is convinced she wishes he had died. But im wandering off topic.

We looked for a home in TN for her but she doesnt have enough income and the conditions for a medicare bed were unacceptable.

Cranky senior. Maybe.

While i am happy to entertain reasons for her behavior i wish she was more gracious.

A cognitive test might be helpful. Thank you
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I don't know if separation is the answer. I do think that husband needs to take your side in things. Like when she doesn't like what u cook. He should say that you work all day and can't be cooking 2 different dinners. Maybe you should ask her for list of likes and dislikes. Then if u cook something she said she liked and then says she doesn't show her the list. She can order out. Good thing you work. When she gets nasty walk away. Go to another room. Boundries. Don't take anything from her. Remind her that she is living in your home.
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FrogPrincess Jan 5, 2020
Joanne when she first moved in i listened to her about what she missed eating what she liked. I even looked up recipes in addition to learning what she meant.

I planned a dinner all around this list of things she said she liked and could eat. She was given a plate she handed it back said she couldnt eat it.

Easter dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, everyday dinner. No matter if she mentioned it 5 minutes ago i ran in made it. She turns her nose up. She refuses to eat seafood, chicken, hamburger, and some days pork.

I buy the wrong hamburger she wants 75 15 i buy 80 20.

The bread isn't soft enough.

Shes on a high protein low salt diet. Ive been on a low salt diet for years. She cant eat cause not enough salt in her food.

Got to have specific brands of food or she wont eat.

Writes a list. We get the list. 60 to 70 percent ends up in trash.

Two years we are doing this.

This doesnt even touch the 50 extra dollars a month she watches in rented movies. Same movies all the time. We buy the movie to save money she no longer wants to watch it.

I do sometimes leave but that is what she wants to drive me from the house. From my house. She wouldnt be not bothered if my husband and i split.

Yes thank god for work

Thank you for responding
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A man who sacrifice's his marriage for his mother to me is big red flag. Living with someone who doesn't like me would be a deal breaker. Life is too short to deal with a toxic person.

Me, I would tell him it is either me or her, one of you needs to move out.

I can't tell you what to do, but, I can assure you that this situation is not going to get better, unless she is out of your life, she will never like you.

Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
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FrogPrincess Jan 5, 2020
Ive thought about leaving. My daughter has offered me a room.

Im giving it thought.

I posted here hoping to relieve my frustration venting and to see if there are suggestions for coping.

Thank you
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Well since having her move out isn't an option your husband will consider maybe You should. I'm not saying you need to end your marriage, your husband could still visit when he is free and you would actually have a place where you could have his undivided attention plus the freedom to make your own lifestyle choices. Not having to put up with this spiteful harpy daily would undoubtedly make you happier and more pleasant to be around too. Oh, and it would undoubtedly be cheaper for you to get a little apartment than for her to move into an appropriate facility so that would be a helpful bonus too! 😜
(yes that was sarcasm, but it kind of seems perfectly sensible too)
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FrogPrincess Jan 5, 2020
Lol. Yes i could be free
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Well I can't help the rest of it, but as to the meals.. my grandmother always used to say.. "well there is always butter and bread on the table" And on liver night,, I ate butter bread! So stop being a short order cook.. If she is with it enough, ask her to cook dinner once a week. And clean up after... LOL Or since hubs is partially retired, let him cook . My hubs is a great cook
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