I took care of my dad for almost 2 years. I loved him and did the best I could. As he was getting worse, the last stage. He could no longer tell if he wet himself. I tried tell my brothers and sisters I needed more help, but they went on deaf ears.
My dad also had apathy, and would no longer talk other than yes, and go back looking down.. this was one of the hardest things for me to see. I lost him, while he was still here.
I was getting so stressed out my hair started falling out. I started looking into a home for him. They were all so very sad. And made me more depressed. (Family still not around)
One night my dad walked out in the rain the Police brought him home. He caught pneumonia went into the hospital. Got a ulcer on the bottom of his foot and bed sore on his butt.
Brothers and sisters still wanted to bring him back to my house.
Dr said he will not get any better. He has severe dementia. Problem: I was So stressed I did not want my dad to come back home. ( my very heavy guilt) I was the only one taking care of him. He went to hospice and brothers and sisters were mad at me for doing this. My dad passed a month later in hospice. They were Fighting they did not want to have my dad on all the pain meds even if he was in so much pain. So the sinde remarks that it was really not his time to go... I feel so bad that I was not able to take care of him at my home. I know I’m depressed. (I’m on medication) Everyone’s life seems to be back to “normal” but I’m having a really hard time letting my dad down, even though he no longer knew me.
A lot of these sites talk about the loved one you are taking care of. I feel like I’m dealing with after it’s all over by my self. It’s been a month... and still so very fresh. My husband doesn’t understand my grief. I’m sorry for going on and on.
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making you go UGH again because you needed to go and find what you needed.
I have talked to my brothers and sisters sometimes niece some times not so nice. Now they asking for some of his things..... (my dad did not have much) both brothers call and asked about my dads pocket watch which he broke opening and closing every day. I let them both know. They said not to worry dad already gave them each one. Just last week each called about the broken watch? REALLY! It is now in pieces my dad dropped it, and in a plastic bag.
Yesterday one sister asked about my dads dominos she stated dad told her a long time ago she can have them. (I do not believe it) but I told her I will look and send his socks and shorts too. JOKING.
thank you all for helping me, some how typing these things really do help.
Peace and love.
It IS very fresh, and I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you've been through over these years. Just know that here on the forum you're talking to people who do understand, and who do realise how impossible it must have been for you to care for your father at home once he had become so frail. You have nothing at all to regret.
But grieving for your father is a different thing from feeling guilty about his care, and it is bound to take time simply because you were so close to him. If you can't talk openly to your husband about how you feel, is there anyone else you can turn to?
His own mother passed away a 2 1/2 yrs ago. But some reason they were not close. She was in a nursing home and 102. With her mind in tack.
She lived about 1/ 2 hour away but he never really wanted to go and to stay and talk to her. He would would not go unless I went with him.
I told him we should go at least once a week and eat lunch or dinner with her. We did for a while but that did not last very long.
His interpretation: its part of life and he knew this a long time ago when its her time to go she will???. He accepted the fact that she was 102 and nothing more could be done for her! Wow!
So now I tell him when he see’s me crying nothing is “wrong” all he can do is is give me a hug. Oh yes I did tell him I was not like him, I still feel the hurt deep down in my heart and I can not help it.
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You are an angel and you did all that you possibly could. Of course you were stressed to the max. It’s the hardest job ever being a caregiver, especially all alone.
Your siblings are awful to criticize you. They are even more awful to want palliative care withheld from your dad in hospice.
You did not cause your father’s illness or death. You did nothing wrong but everything right. Bringing him to hospice was the best possible solution for him and yourself.
It’s devastating watching someone you love die. Your siblings were not involved like you were. Your dad knew who cared for him and loved him. You! Some people do not cope well in that situation. Maybe your siblings don’t.
You will grieve. You will have a range of emotions. He will live in your heart forever.
Do you have access to grief counseling? Did hospice tell you about it? They offer it. There are other grief groups as well.
Please seek out this service. Especially since your husband isn’t able to be a comfort to you. He may not know how to. He may be relieved from no longer having caregiver responsibilities. I don’t know your husband. You know him, we don’t.
Take care. Hugs! We are here if you need to talk.
I don't know if your siblings know they were being hurtful but there's two options for you... Tell them, talk it out, let them know how you feel or if that's not an option, it might help to try to realize that maybe they just were talking without thinking, try to forgive that. It sounds like your Dad got good care in hospice & from trained caregivers and there's no guilt in having good care for him to add to his comfort in the end. It was about what was best for him.
Please know, there are so many here who care for you & would love to listen, no matter how long or short you wish to share. My heart goes out to you, you are incredibly strong