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BardicBird Asked April 2019

She is finally in the nursing home, and now I just can't go to visit without a panic attack at the thought. Any ideas on how to manage?

2 years of utter hell. When my FIL died, it became clear in about a week she wouldn't be able to stay alone. We sold our house and found one we thought would be perfect. Had a MIL addition already in place. Little kitchen, a bathroom already set up for a seat in the shower built in, living room and a nice bedroom. Had a stair lift so she could enter the main house and join us any time. Even found a place full of lily beds for her to putter in (her favorite). Perfect right? A month in, I fell into hell. She was perfectly capable to walk, just refused. She was difficult and nasty before, but dear god above it went into overdrive. She came down once - and from there demanded to be waited on. Esssentialy lived in her bed screaming and cursing at me. Doctor even threw up his hands and flatly said, in front of her "I can help many things. Pure meanness I can't." Less she did, less she could do. Screaming, even would poop on the floor to demand it get cleaned up. She has and had medical issues, but to her a stubbed toe was her leg being amputated. Screamed, cursed and as her health DID decline, and more help was truly needed would be so nasty she actually managed to break 3 of ~my~ ribs and rip up several muscles to the point I still have to do PT. It was hell. Pure utter hell. The kind of hell that made me tell my husband, flatly and truly, I wouldn't have married him if he hadn't been adopted, thank God. Those genes should never go on.


She refused to move SO much, and just laid around SO long, she managed to get a bedsore that slowly resulted into a major HOLE in her back, all nicely mersa filled. I just can't comprehend that. My family either dies at 40 or lives to 100 while still out in the garden working. To honestly render yourself bedbound on PURPOSE is.... insanity. After a long and truly miserable period, it all collapsed. My health is toast. Stress so bad and issues so hard, I actually am now epileptic. The kind of seizures that result in losing a few days after waking up in the hospital 3 days later. The kind that have yanked my driver's license forever. And the horrible thing? There is a silver liner beyond my desperate dreams. I can't care for her anymore.


We finally got her into a nursing home and are in the middle of THAT paper mountain. They had to move her twice because she was so nasty to roommates. To the point she would actually just scream for HOURS if she didn't get her way. (No embellishment. 7 hours of unrenting screaming because she was mad. I brought flowers to the nurses the next day and considering also dropping off earplugs and rum.) She is in her own room now and we are trying like hades to get her settled. She in on the slow slide down now, going from completely okay to nasty and screaming then to a weird quiet confusion. I understand what she does now is, well. The long groove of behavior is the default slide. It's not her ~fault~ really, but she is as mean as she was when I first met her son and she was 'fine'.


I have to go to the home. Things need done. It's the right thing.


But there is a major, full on, massive panic attack each time I have to get into the car to go. The doors of the nursing home feel like I'm walking back into hell to be eaten. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I would be utterly happy to just send a check and never return. My poor husband... she was nasty and abusive his whole life. He's an only child, her family ghosted the second we got thru to them they were NOT going thru her house and taking what they wanted, it all had to be sold to take care of her. Her husband is dead, and the people that were once her friends are out because of her behavior while she was 'fine'. It's just us. I know it's the right thing, I gotta go, we still have to be involved.


But what do you do when you honestly dread your elderly MIL? When you know she will scream and curse at you, walking in is just... hell.

FarmJelly Apr 2019
Don’t go. Take care of paperwork behind the scenes if you feel healthy enough to do that. Your husband needs to step up and take care of his mother. He won’t do it as long as you’re doing it.

PandabearAUS Apr 2019
So much is wrong here I don’t know where to start
dont go. Why can’t your husband go?
why did your husband allow those things to happen to you?
what does he say now about your health?
why did you keep her in your home. Was it her name on the title deed
the nursing facility can arrange visits for her. JUST DONT GO

your MIL spun off the planet ages ago

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BarbBrooklyn Apr 2019
I wouldn't go to "visit" if I were you. I'd ask the SW at the facility for volunteer groups to send an occasional "visitor".

I also would NOT, repeat NOT pay for her care. When her funds are gone for private pay, she goes on Medicaid. I hope that this is already in the works.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Has any thought been given to having her admitted to a behavioral unit for trials of meds to help with her agitation, depression and whatever unspecified mental illness she suffers from?

For the sake of your and your husband's mental and physical health, I would take care of business from afar. And send cookie trays to the staff. Frequently.

JoAnn29 Apr 2019
Once the paperwork is done, you don't need to be there. This woman has made her bed. If on Medicaid make the NH her payee for SS and any pension she receives. She will getb3 meals a day. Let them do her laundry. She won't need much clothing wise. 7 of everything at least. Her toiletries are provided. Brush, comb, toothbrush. With Mom all I had to do was visit. You really don't have to. To be honest, you visiting and her getting agitated really isn't good for her or the other residents. So just step back. You owe her nothing. She's you husbands mother. If he wants to visit OK but you don't need to.

What would be nice is for you and husband to go somewhere nice. GET AWAY!

Explain to the DON the circumstances. Tell her/him ur a phone call way but you can't visit for a while. If you visit, do it when you feel like it. When she starts, walk out.

anonymous272157 Apr 2019
You are important, and need to recover. If MIL continues abusive to nurses, she needs psychiatric eval. and meds. She sounds well beyond talk therapy.  Why do you still go to see her?  Who are the other relatives that want furniture?  They can visit.  Get the help YOU need.  Hugs.

freqflyer Apr 2019
BardicBird, oh those dreaded panic attacks, I fully understand. My doctor wanted to try meds to help me, but I refused. I could kick myself now for not even trying :P Amazing how stress can wreck your health. I thought I could breeze through this journey. NOT !!

Yep, on the meds now. It hasn't helped my panic attacks when driving, but it has given me the "whatever" attitude any time the world gets out of sorts. Also had talk-therapy that was helpful. For me, I was senior helping out my parents [90+ year old]. Dad was sweet, but Mom was down right stubborn.

Since you know you are going to step into the lion's den whenever visiting Mom-in-law, see if you can find some humor in the way she is acting. I know she can't help how she is acting, but this is to preserve your sanity. Take a different mind-set. Since Mom-in-law is acting like a spoiled child, picture her on the floor kicking her feet, crying and holding her breath until she get her way. Then if she keeps it up, just walk out [thus you win].

Bella7 Apr 2019
You will get very sick with adrenal burnout if you keep this up!! I did.

shad250 Apr 2019
Don't go. She's not your mom.

pamzimmrrt Apr 2019
My MIL was really pretty much a nice lady, but my hubs just COULD not make himself visit her in the MC.. he is awful at hospitals and seeing his mom like this was hell. SO... we always did our visit a half hour before lunch. We would go, visit for a half hour, take her into lunch and go... usually out to lunch ourselves. I was honestly only able to get him to go about every 6 weeks. It is not a pretty site and I wish you well.
freqflyer Apr 2019
Pam, my sig other was the same way when it came to visit my parents in their various senior facilities. He couldn't wait to leave.
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
I wouldn’t go. You don’t deserve the abuse. No one would want to put up with her.

Has she always been mean to you? What a shame she was mean to your son. Hugs!

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