If you were forced to choose. What would you do?

Husband!!
My husband died a horrible cancer death
I adored him and we were very happily married for 34 years.

In my living room, in the evening while trying to relax...............I look over at my MIL (alzheimers) glaring at me from her bed... and I wonder how this happened ............that it's her in my living room and not my husband.
He deserved so much better. I miss him in every corner.
I am taking care of his mother because he would've been appalled but also grateful.
That's all I need to know.

If I had still been married when I came here and still in love, I would have chosen my spouse over my parent. No contest. Spouse, children, and self are number 1. Parents number 2 even in the Bible.

Just remember, many a man divorced his wife and kept his dog, because the dog was always glad to see him.

might be a good time to review whether the spouse was a worthwhile investment of your life and could be counted on in your time of need. when I sat in the bedroom floor massaging my own aching knees during a particularily hellish hepc treatment and wifey sat on the bed glaring daggers thru me , I came to the realization that this marriage wasn't built on much of a foundation.

My thought is my parents have a wonderful 70 years marriage, why can't I also have the same. If the caregiving is getting in the way, time for Mom and Dad to have a new adventure at a retirement village.

My husband for sure. Isn't there something written about forsaking all others? That ALL includes leaving your parents.

Either way you choose, guilt will be there. My ex-spouse kept choosing his mother over me and she wasn't incapacitated at all, just NEEDY (2 failed marriages later, (7 years) it's my understanding he is still a mama's boy) So with that said... if you've got a great spouse, great relationship,partnership I'd choose my spouse. I'd be on his team ...hopefully he'd be on mine.

'Fraid I'm a lone wolf here. I don't like to allow issues to become so polarized that a choice has to be made between one or the other. I think there's always room for compromise and a better solution. Just my $.01 worth.

Well this question certainly brings up the caregiver's priorities. I am not married but my life is devoted to art and trying to make a modest living. After struggling with a sad dysfunctional family, I finally have come feel the joy within myself. It doesn't mean I am "selfish", but I celebrate my life. My mother has struggled but really she had her golden years dancing, traveling, having boyfriends, etc. I am not married to her! This is the year I took my life back, set boundaries, and let the chips fly where they may. Much happier! When I get old, no aging children will take care of me. I couldn't ask someone to ruin their life for me. Give what you can and spend your love where you need to and want to, carving out your sacred space to live in it; with spouse or alone, or with your Divine Lover.

Mate first - no contest.