I am dying from the stress! I have cared for Mom for 8 years and recently had a complete breakdown, I was hospitalized for stress, panic and anxiety, and chest pain. I was told to look at my 22 year old daughter and tell her goodbye, because if i went back home to care for Mom I was going to have a heart attack or stroke.

I had been asking my older sister who lives with us for help for a very long time but she always turned a deaf ear. She got out of school at 2:30 but might come home around 5, 6, or 7pm because she did not want to have to help or be "in the situation."

Two doctors and a social worker told me to check out the following day, go home and pack my belongings and leave unless I wanted to die and leave my 22 year old daughter alone. I took their advice and moved in with my younger sister who lost her husband and has two kids and works 12 hours a day to try and keep her house..

I am going through h*ll trying to get past the panic and anxiety that plagues me!

Anyway we have seen an Elder Law Attorney for Mom's estate and he has suggested putting Mom in a program called PACE through the Brandman Institute in California. They believe in keeping Mom at home as long as possible and not putting her into a facility. The problem is she has to go to their facility 2 or more days a week and she will be brought home at 5pm.

I cannot go back into her home and care for her, my younger sister is up to her ears with working 12 hour days and caring for her home and kids, my older sister is losing her job in June but needs to work and will be looking for another position. There LITERALLY IS NO ONE AVAILABLE TO WATCH MOM.

Neither of my sisters want to see Mom put into a home and I understand where they are coming from but after 8 years of caring for her AND HAVIING A BREAKDOWN AND BEING TOLD I AM GOING TO DIE IF I TRY TO CONTINUE TO CARE FOR HER.....I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT AND REALIZATION THAT MOM NEEDS TO GO WHERE SHE CAN BE CARED FOR ON A 24 HOUR BASIS.

Now I am wondering, if Mom qualifies to be placed in one. She is able to be up and around but she has moderate/severe dementia according to the doctor. She can feed herself but not cook and still uses the bathroom although there may be accidents.

Will they take her on Medi Cal? We have currently hired in home health care that is costing in excess of $740 a week

My older sister is ready to kill me, "for leaving her in charge of Mom and her care" but I have done it for 8 years and no one seemed to care and I literally begged for help, this is why I am sitting in my sisters house fighting for my health.

I really need some help with information on Memory care facilities or where we can place Mom so she gets the care she needs and everyone else is able to live their lives and not die of stress and exhaustion in the process.

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Don't try to do the impossible just because it looks easy to someone who is not lifting a finger to do it themselves. If nothing can be radically changed about the caregiving situation with Mom so it is not killing you, do not go back to it expecting different results.

PACE sounds nice but if there is no backup for her and she needs full time supervision, it's not practical. There are assisted living locators and other eldercare people who might not try to do things that can't be done.
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There's something about if a family caregiver has taken care of the elder for 2+ yrs giving them the care they would normally have had to move to a nursing home to get and lived in the elders home with them to provide the care- that the asset (house) is protected from the state until the caregiver moves or dies (when house is sold state will reclaim any money used for Mom's care up to the full valoue of the house.
At least the caregiver can continue to live there for their lifetime (since they probably gave up their job or certainly any non-working time to the elders care.
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Does she have Medi Cal because she is not old enough for Medicare? Does she have any long term care insurance? Are you keeping her at home to preserve her estate? If that is the case her estate should have been addressed beginning 8 years ago. Medical will tell you if they will use all her assets up before the state starts paying or not --- each state is different. Either way I believe if she goes into any care facility and does not have long term care insurance they will liquidate and use her assets first before the state or fed gov pays. If she is living in her own home - which is an asset - you might be able to continue to live there while she is in a facility -- my mother in law went into a full time nursing home in the Philadelphia area - her home was paid for - my brother inlaw had resided, after his divorce in her home with her until she was put in the nursing home. He is still in her home now after about 7 years. So if what she leaves you and your siblings is more important than your sanity you definitely need to work with your mom's social/case worker or the attorney to see who pays first -- her assets or medical. Good luck
Helpful Answer (2)

You notify Adult Protection Services through the county social services that she cannot take care of herself, nor can you take care of her. She is well past the ability to stay at home. APS will check on her and you let them take over without blaming yourself or anyone else. You let go. You save your life.
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