Does anyone have an independent parent that lies a lot and is verbally abusive?

Has she always been like this, or did this come on recently? I'm reluctant to use the word "lie," because my husband "lies" when he doesn't remember the answer. It's not a true lie, because his brain is just trying to fill in the blanks.

Can you just avoid her? IMO, the MOST important thing is that you don't hurt yourself, and get help for such strong feelings. Tell her you can't listen to the abuse because of doctor's orders, and leave. She is safe in the ALF, and you can just let her stew if you need to. Don't answer the phone, and certainly don't go there more than once a week. Reach out to your friends, so your life will be worth living without her.

Are you embarrassed that she has been stealing? Old white women are the most common shoplifters. It's not on you.

Tell us more about the police.

What's your situation? Do you live with her? If not, ignore it and let the chips fall where they may. You can only do so much. You can't let her take your life down. What good would that do either of you?

As for lying. I've concluded that is common among the elderly. My grandma lies constantly. I can ask her flat out if she's done something, she'll look me straight in the eye and say no. I then go about proving that she in fact did it. She'll keep insisting that she didn't. Many times when the evidence gets overwhelming she will cave in and admit she lied with a so what attitude.