Follow
Share

I often read many posts that people are caregiving because their parents took care of them when they were children. Of course, let's face it -- unless you were very sick as a child there is a huge difference between diapering a two year old in your twenties and doing the same for an 80 year old in your 50's or 60's.
My husband helps his dad out of what seems to be a great deal of obligation. The two have very little in common and cannot usually be in a room together for very long.
So I got to wondering...are you friends with your parent (or the person you are caregiving)? Once you reached adulthood, did that magical spark happen when you went from being parent/child to two adults enjoying each other's company?
And do you like them? The reason I ask is my husband loves his father (because he did put a roof over his head and send him to college) but he doesn't like him. We have often commented on how you can love someone because they are family but if they were not, you really wouldn't choose them as a person to be around.
Thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
No I don't like my mother. It's sad but true. There's really to like. She is completely self absorbed and I have to force myself to spend time with her. That's extremely difficult since she lives in my house. I feel a great oppression having her pretty much fun my life at 64. She's the same one who wouldn't let my Dad's Mom live with them at my age because they were going to travel. Yep. That's who I am taking care of. My Dad was a different story but he enabled mom to be the way she is. I think he thought he was keeping the peace. He was always happy even though mom was always complaining and during up drama. Everyday to me is like a dark cloud descending upon me when she wakes up. I am trying to not let it effect my moods, but it's very difficult. I have really attain to recall good memories with my mother. It's very sad. I think she probably lived her whole unhappy life with an undiagnosed mental illness and now it's too late. I do have someone from a sitting service coming 16 hours a week, and her only duty is to dote in her. This works well, since she thinks I don't pay enough attention to her.

I also envy people who were friends with their parents. I'll never have that because you can't really be friends with a self absorbed person. It's impossible.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, I not only loved both my parents, I liked them, too. My Dad died 8 years ago, and he was the greatest man I ever knew. I now spend just about every waking moment with my Mom, and we very seldom get into arguments. When we do, I'm pretty certain that something is wrong (physically) with her, because she is never cross or out of sorts. I'm very grateful that we have the relationship that we do, because I would never be able to be a caregiver for someone I didn't like. I just couldn't do it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Actually my mother-in-law and I didn't have much in common other than my husband, her son, for the first 35 years of our marriage. She was the career woman all her life, and I was the stay at home mom, and her disdain for me was pretty evident. But now it's 40 years into our marriage and these last 5 years have done a 180. I can honestly say now that she and I are friends for the first time since I met her. What she thought was so terrible and such a burden on my husband because he and I thought it should be him that supported the family, and I take care of things at home, is suddenly fine with her. Now she appreciates the fact that I can take her places and spend time with her because I DON'T punch that time clock she thought was so important. But we're friends now, that's the bottom line. ♥
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow, I just love your post kathyt1. It is so good, and sometimes heartbreaking, for me to read about people who loved and respected their fathers. My husband adored his father. Guy died at 64 with a sudden heart attack. But he left a wonderful legacy in the love and support he gave his family.

My poor father had many issues. I know some of these issues were his narcissistic mother and his father's death when he was eight. But I will never understand why he felt good bullying a little girl. And why my spineless mother let him. It is written that narcissists create narcissists. Maybe that is it. That is why I really look hard at myself and try to be as different from my parents as I can possibly be.

But I do feel a little sadness when I read about those who had such wonderful mothers and fathers. I didn't but I can certainly try to be one.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

As adults, we have to do things that are not fun, but they have to be done. It doesn't matter if you want to, like to, or if it is convenient. It's always a plus if you like a person you are helping, but sometimes you have to help someone because it's the right thing to do. Forget about the emotions. Think "Character Builder."
In the back of my mind, and as I look back at my Mother's behavior as long as I have known her, and see her now, maybe she was unconscious of her actions. Let's say she was a "reluctant narcissist" because of mental or emotional issues she would not acknowledge! Hey, that's pretty generous of me. She did not have what it took to be strong in the way I am strong-- working hard to overcome-- but she has survived to 96 by depending on others. It's like something flew over my head while I was trying to figure things out, and here I am, taking care of someone who doesn't do anything intentionally, but always got what she wanted or needed.
She never acted like a friend, but perhaps she was my best learning tool. Cagey.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I was very close to my parents until they divorced and remarried when I was 25. My mother married a very arrogant verbally abusive man and my father married a nice woman, but was unwilling to accept his life prior to their marriage.
I am now estranged from my elderly father who is 86. My mother who is now widowed, age 81, is trying to cling to me for her needs. My mother never stopped my stepfather from being verbally abusive to her or my family. My father did not do anything to stop my stepmother from excluding his family from their lives. Needless to say, my parents were the one's that destroyed my relationship with them due to their choices. I was the one that tried to embrace our blended family, but having spineless parents when it came to their new spouses drew me away from them. Now that the are elderly, I have no deep affections for them and will not even consider being their caregiver other than occasional help. I will be sad when they die, but I doubt I will grieve to deeply.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My father is the greatest man I ever met. He is wise, loving, and a good man. He wants to die in his home, and I will give that to him, him in control till the end. I do this with love. I could never repay him for all he has done for me. He is my friend.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Both of my parents are gone now. My father was not only my dad but my friend and mentor. He was such a wonderful man. I never heard one person ever say any unkind words against dad. I see him in my son, I feel his presence when I hug his sister (my aunt),and he lives in my heart. I loved him and liked him.
My mom was a nut job, a narcissist and my verbal abuser. Every time I read about a child being "herded" from the family group to be abused I'd say how can a parent do that until one day I realized I'd been herded. My mom eventually turned her back on me. She wouldn't return my calls either, madge1. She would rather have died than to talk to me and she did. I didn't like her or love her.
Every single day of my life I get up each morning saying I will not be like my mom but strive to be like my dad. He would grieve if he thought he had hurt anyone. My mom didn't give a flip if she hurt people. It was all about her. What a difference in the legacies each of my parents left behind.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am sad to say that I never cared for my father. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. There was no way I could be friends, ever, with him. And when he died, I think any love I had for him was long dead.

As for Mom, we have grown more and more distant over the years. As a young person I was so "trained" to accept her selfish behavior that I didn't realize how she really was. After I had my own family and began to question her behavior, I began to dislike her.

Today we hardly talk anymore. One day in March I decided to just not call her to see if she would ever pick up a phone and give me a call. It has been almost 4 months and I have heard not one word from her.

As for being friends with Mom, well let's just say it is like trying to be friends with the bratty little kid down the street. You know the one with all the toys and won't share, or the one who has to have their way all the time. No I don't like her at all. My sweet SIL said once that mom is like a little spoiled girl.

So, in my case, I have grown very distance to my mother. My husband says it is because I now see her for who she really is and she is not a likable person.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.