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Squirt Asked February 2010

How do I work through my hurt feelings after meeting with Father-in-Law's Attorney?

My FIL is 91, and still lives in his own home. He is generally a wonderful man, and my husband and I love him and do quite a bit to help him along. I accompany him on Dr's appts, stay with him when he his hospitalized (not often), and make extra food for him when I can. I work a flexible job partially so I can be available to do those things for him, and part of the reason I'm sticking with that is to make sure we can be there for him. At his request, we spent part of our Chrismas holidays looking at independent living places for him, and now he's not interested in seeing them, so we anticipate his needs for us to care for him will continue to increase. We went to meet with his attorney (at his request) yesterday, and reviewed his POA, living will etc. We added me as a backup to my husband on those documents. Then the attorney brought up his will, and asked him if he'd like to designate me or someone else as his heir should something happen to he and my husband at the same time. At that point he talked about how he had some favorite cousins (who never visit even though they live close). As that went on and he seemed ill at ease, I said it sounded like he needed to take some time by himself to think about it. Anyway, I don't want his money, but am finding myself hurt and resentful that, apart from my husband, he seems to value his unseen cousins over me. It is 100% his decision, and I will not interfere, but I've been in tears today just feeling hurt. In the meeting, he also brought up (again) that his wife had died on my birthday 12 years ago. That is also hurtful to hear over and over again, but I've always felt that his grief trumps my feelings on that. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some validation (or not) that feeling hurt in this type of situation is normal. I'll be continuing to pray through this, and I've confessed these feelings to my husband. But I don't feel it would be productive to express them to my FIL, and that I would just come off sounding to him like I'm "after his money". Any thoughts on working through these hurt feelings from those who have been there/done this?

ezcare Feb 2010
Squirt,
Just wanted to jump in and recommend everything Austin suggests. I am also an ONLY and my father treated my wife as a stranger and also thought more of my cousins. If your FIL outlives his income and requires Assisted Living, this burden will fall on you and your husband. Even if your FIL decides at the 11th hour to "gift" some of his money to the cousin before he passes, that money can be clawed back for his care by the Institution that provides it. If you and your husband provide 24/7 home care, this will exhaust you both physically and financially. I strongly urge you and your husband to seek help from an Elder Law attorney and a Financial Planner (not for your FIL but for your own situation. ) He/She may propose solutions that will require your FIL's participation but that is a better place to be than trusting your own financial well-being to a 91 yr old's understanding of current financial reality. Trust me on this: decisions made today can have major impact on your life style 20 years from now.

195Austin Feb 2010
Does your FIL realize if he goes into a nursing home instead of assisted living medicaide will go after every penny they can get and he will have to pay down much of his assests and will not have any inheritance to leave to anyone and there is a look-back period of at least 5 yrs. right now and may go to 7 yrs. This is the time he needs to consider his next move and his attorny needs to point this out to him -many elders do not realize how things go these days and usually there is no money to leave in this day and age and at his age there is not a lot of time to go on as usuall-and I am very glad he understands how important you are to him and am very glad your husband spoke to him many husbands would not do that.

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Squirt Feb 2010
Thank you for your continued concern and well wishes. My husband did talk to my FIL in a less stressful moment, and my FIL did indicate a desire to include me and told my husband he "thinks the world of me". I really don't care whether he actually changes it or not, but hearing that made me feel better. I have a feeling this journey is just beginning. My husband and I check in on him to the extent possible living in seprate houses, but we both see a day coming when that just won't be enough. It's too bad he is not interested in looking at the independent living places we found (after he asked us to look into it for him). They were really nice, and I think the social interaction would be a big help to him.

Sparkly Feb 2010
I surely sympathize with you.... only in my case, it's my husband and his siblings that feel I'm "not really family" in regards to anything dealing with my 90yo FIL. Did you ever resolve that issue?

beta42 Feb 2010
i know it hurts but he is 91 and like the perso wrote earlier he is remembering some fun time he had with the cousins and remembers his wife died on your birthday - just do it for god and he will reward you

pamela6148 Feb 2010
Hey Squirt how's it going? haven't heard from you in a while and we're checking on you. Don't forget about us, as we are thinking about you.

Squirt Feb 2010
Thanks to you all for sharing your experience and perspective. I know we're only in the beginning phases of this, and many of you have been and are going through so much more. Although the attorney explained things very well to my FIL, he does tend to get confused about some things, like what doctors ask/say. Although his attorney is a long time family friend, I think whenever an "authority figure" is involved, he tends to lose it a bit, which is why I take him to Dr's appts. I don't know that I'll address this particular issue with him directly because it can so easily be misconstrued. But I may let him know that it is hurtful next time he brings up that his wife died on my birthday. Don't know if it will do any good, but he needs to know I have feelings too. We were of course with him throughout that ordeal years ago, and I wish that is what he would remember instead. May also let him know that we won't be visiting retirement centers again unless he agrees to go along and see them too. He asked us to do that, we gave up our VC time to check out 5 of them and narrow down to 3 for him to see, and now he's not interested anymore. At least it gave us some ideas for when/if the time comes.

Again, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences. It helps just to know others are dealing with this type of thing...and so much more. So glad I found this site.

pamela6148 Feb 2010
Tee Hee Bobbie that last statement is so very true!!!!

santosc519 Feb 2010
Squirt,
Could it be that he does not understand that you need to be separate on the will. He may not understand that. You need to explain to him that if something was to happen to his son before your FIL passed, you would be left with nothing because you were not named separately. I am sure with all you do for him, he doesn't want to exclude you over some distant cousins.

bobbie321 Feb 2010
Don't be sad, Squirt. I know it hurts so bad, but try to let it go. Pamela is right: he's 91 and probably remembering some short great time he had with these cousins a million years ago.

Get him in a great facility so you and your husband don't get stuck and I mean STUCK taking care of him. If you think you have hurt feelings now, wipe his butt for a year and then listen to him go on about his cousins.


good luck,

Bobbie

toadballet1 Feb 2010
My hub does a bizillion times more for my mom than my sib. But mom wants to make sure that "family" inherits...not "in-laws." You absolutely have a right to be hurt and stunned, but don't take it personally...it was the times and culture that they were raised in...blood is thicker than water...
I do know your FIL but I think if you should decide to bring it up at the right time, it could help you move on. Something like, "I was surprised at our meeting the other day that you chose not to include me in your estate planning. I have no interest in an "inheritance" but I was hurt that you do not consider me family in the way that you consider cousins who have not been as involved in your life." I am certain that he did not even consider how it sounded when he was brainstorming during the meeting.
If you phrase things in a calm, loving, and considerate manner he should not take offense and you have gotten it off your chest.
You and your husband should also makes some plans on your own should he need assisted living...you should not be made to give up your lives if this is, in fact, the way he really feels.
good luck

pamela6148 Feb 2010
Remember squirt your FIL is 91 and at that age he's not really aware of what he says. He doesn't realize his words can cut like a knife.

I'm sure this thread will fill up with advise for you, just give it time. There are lots of wonderful people here who will support you, some will even make you laugh. Stay on this site you'll see.

Perhaps your husband will speak to your FIL. Perhaps he has already and just not made you aware of it. At 91 they need guidance and if your husband is the only child I'm sure he'll say something to his dad. And if he doesn't you just go right ahead and keep doing what you're doing. Nothing but good will come to you, nothing but good.

Stay blessed sweetie!

Squirt Feb 2010
Thanks Pamela. Yes, he is an only child, and we've been married for 22 yrs. We are both very close to his dad, and live about 5 miles from him. I've never met the cousins, and don't even know who specifically he was referring to. I think it was just the realization that, at least in that way, he doesn't count me as "true" family (apart from my husband) that has hit me so hard emotionally. I'm just hurt, and wish I had not been there when that was discussed.

pamela6148 Feb 2010
Is your husband an only child? How has your relationship with him been all along, and have you ever seen these cousins that don't come around.

Care givers often do much work with little gratitude from their loved ones. Sometimes they are treated very badly and that's dad.

I'm glad you came to this site. You will find comfort and all the help you need right here so welcome and know that you're not alone in this journey.

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