Afraid to date; why did I open this can of worms?

Why not "ride it out" and see what happens? What if "this guy" is God's Gift to you and not only understands but would be helpful and supportive?

Yes, there are men out there that can not only handle caregiving but also be supportive.
My DH had been concerned about maybe having to take care of my parents financially - but he was really glad that he wanted to be with me more than he was worried (in his first marriage he had to help support is in-laws until they passed, and he was married until his first wife passed, 37 years.) Well, he wanted me more than he was worried and we were together 33 years before he passed a couple of months ago. He was older than my parents but survived them by 14 years for mom and 7 years for pop.

I say, see what happens - because you'd really hate yourself if you threw away a gift of the perfect match just because you are afraid. Be open and honest in your responsibilities and see what he says.

There are some men worth giving a chance to - maybe this is one of them. Don’t close off your life just because you care for your father - it’s ok to have someone!

There is a reason you said yes and went out with this man. It would be a shame to let old demons and past relationships make you run from something that could be good. You won’t know unless you try. He is an adult. He does not need you to make decisions for him. You were honest and open about your situation and he had already been briefed by your coworkers about things before you spoke about them. And still he pursued you. That tells me he sees you as worthy of some effort. The issue may be that you do not see yourself the same.
i agree with much of what Surprise said. Caring for our parents can have many layers disguised as love and loyalty but very often many of them run far deeper into more painful areas of need and longing for things like approval and validation we never received in the past. Tread carefully and consciously.
Do not limit your life and cut yourself off from socialising in any way. Your father may be coming into his final years but you most certainly are not. It is a fine balance between giving our time to caretaking and taking time out to tend to our own needs. Your life must continue in order for you to remain healthy and whole. Only then can you present your best self for and to your father. Never use caring for him as a cop-out for not living your best life. I do not know how old he is but you do. Consider how much longer he may live. Are you willing to surrender that many years of your happiness and fulfilment to caretaking? If your answer is yes, you have a problem that only you can fix. If the answer is no, you are ready for a second date.
Wishing you peace as you move forward in your life.

Why are you denying yourself a life???? Do NOT put yourself on hold for what may be years to come. You deserve a life. Unless you want to be a martyr.
Just be honest and tell the guy up front. If he cares he will be still be interested.
You are imposing a curfew on yourself. Granted it may be an occasional thing, but there are people willing to caretake those hours, or even a few hrs. It could be every Friday night, or occasionally. Maybe you can be home during the day and swap times with the caretaker. Or get a college kid if dad sleeps thru the night. Or a backup caretaker who is familiar with dementia if m9re care needed.
If dad is sleeping boyfriend can come over and have a quiet evening there. It is about spending time together, not what you do.
A lot of caregivers who don't have outlets other than caregiving and working, usually are at the breaking point.
Don't let that be you.

Yes give it a try. You deserve a life beyond caregiving. If it fails you will at least know you gave it a shot. You should not be further deprived from any possible chance at doing something for yourself while also undertaking a life situation that at many times will seem to offer you any rewards.

Your boyfriend SHOULD be willing to help you sit with your dad...and if he loves you he will help you all the way. Caregivers need help from friends and family and that includes personal relationships. If he's not willing to help, to me this represents irresponsibility and he's just in it for a good time -- that is, a user. But that's up to you to decide. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen..but you only have one mother and one father. For all eternity.

you like him, he likes you. you told him about your dad.
so... what if you never see him again and he was the right person and it could have worked out?

is it a fear of failing.? but if it doesn't work out deal with it later? at least you gave it a shot. maybe it is ~worth~ finding out and not having a regret later

AMEN to what Surprise said. Read it again.

TinyBlu, I'm going to suggest that your Jerk from two years back was pushing you to enforce boundaries with your dad that you were not ready to handle yet. You have come a long way and tried an evening out to balance the stress your life brings, and you had fun.

What I hear you writing is that you really enjoyed your time with this new fellow but you are committed to living your life devoted to a man (dad) who physically abused many people you love and who leaves a load of guilt on your doorstep daily. You don't think the new guy would understand why you would do this to yourself since your previous friend/jerk could not understand your lesser involvement with dad at that time.

I feel like your future caring for your dad that you describe is that of a hermit or a monk. Instead of doing this for religious devotion to God, you will be doing this in an effort to be the one person who your dad might find worthy of affection. Perhaps that is a religious devotion, as our parents are our first image of God, and you are still trying to please that first god in your life. You are not going to find that affirmation from your dad with all of his emotional and cognitive deficits.

You *will* find the affirmation you need from one of these fine young men who encourages you to have less involvement in dad's day to day life. If a man is fine with you having this super high level with involvement with dad after your cloistering begins, I would see that as being a red flag that he does not want to have a serious relationship with you where he has to have a higher level of involvement and committment in your life.

I think it would be an ***excellent*** idea to pursue a relationship with this man so that you will have support as you realize your limitations. You would also do well to find a therapist so you don't rely on the guy to help you set boundaries/ listen to you complain about the life you have chosen. I have a feeling that is what caused you to react to the "jerk" who saw that you were not taking care of yourself.

Tiny, I know these are hard words to hear. I do hope you can use them. <3

Forget about letting him down easy. Enjoy the time you have with him however long it lasts. Be honest about your limitations and let him worry about "fairness". He might not be interested in a deep relationship either - there's nothing wrong with just having some fun and companionship.

Years ago a coworker and I had a platonic relationship. We liked each other and enjoyed each other's company but there just wasn't anything else there. Neither of us enjoyed going to couple events alone. We had dinner together a couple of times a week; went to movies, ballgames and concerts; and were each others "dates" for company parties and weddings. We live in separate towns now but still get together every once in a while.

Enjoy

You’re overthinking it. Just spend the time you can with the new guy, have fun, and stop thinking so much 😎

Is there any reason why you can’t be friends first? Instead of bona fide “dates”, go out for coffee when the caregiver is there, or a quick lunch. If you need to be home by 11:00, go to an early movie. I would not worry about not having privacy for well, you know...That’s a while down the road. You should get to know him first, after all.

just because we are Caregivers doesn’t mean we can’t have any life at all. It’s not easy to balance a social life and caregiving. But, you know what. If we really want to we can do it. We make plans and arrangements and we just do it. If you spend time with this man, you will learn whether he truly understands your life and duties. If you don’t, you’ll never know. Give it a chance. This could be something really good for you.