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Two years ago after a gut-wrenching breakup with a total JERK who basically criticized my caregiving (after pretending to be helpful in the beginning), I decided to give up on dating. This wasn't my first failure at dating while caregiving as the relationship prior to that broke down considerably after I moved my Dad closer to me and started the whole caregiving process. That guy was super nice, but I was a mess. It took a toll on the relationship and we mutually decided to end the relationship.


...so there's this guy...


who has been relentlessly pursuing me for over 6 months. We've known each other casually for almost two years, but I've ignored his efforts because I don't think it's fair to share my caregiving burdens with some unsuspecting soul. He's aware from coworkers that I help out with Dad, but no one can know the full magnitude of our plight unless in it.


Anyway, I FINALLY gave in and decided to go out with him and we had SUCH a great time. He was attentive, understanding, and I haven't laughed that much in years. Of course, I gave him the spiel "I'm not in the position to date... blah, blah, blah", and he said he understood, but he wants to take me out again... and I'm TERRIFIED.


My life is about to change in a month when I have Dad at home with me essentially full time. I have a caregiver helping out 4 days a week, but I would essentially have a curfew (gotta be home before she leaves at 11 PM). Dad will be with me, so that would mean having eyes and ears around should we want to spend time together at my place...


I like the guy, but I think I should quit while I'm ahead. Besides, maybe I just liked the ATTENTION (haven't even remotely entertained anyone in two years) instead of the guy.


Why did I open this can of worms? How do I let him down easy?

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Tiny, I read someone's post today about the necessity of letting go as the primary caregiver when we move our parent's into a care home. This person said something along the lines of, "we have to be willing not to be the main person in our parent's life anymore." I think that is what we do when we send our kids out in the world.

That really spoke to me. I've been pondering your situation and just read back over the more recent posts. I've often wondered why you want to take over your dad's care in the situation that you have described here so many times. You are finally seeing that bringing your dad home really does leave you no time for yourself.
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Oh wow! I’m going to use your want list as a model and make my own! Though I’m probably 20 years older than you, and not looking for love, I don’t think there is much to revise. It’s perfect! (Except for the jobs. My work is here. And it’s more than 2 jobs. BUMMER!)
Now, do you have any idea how to get what you want? When you do, plz share....
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Happy Birthday Gal Leo (me too 8-6).
You are very aware of your triggers and strategies. That's a huge start. Next step? Do something different to get out of the repetitive thinking-behavorial mode. Often that takes focus - tenacity. (Listen to Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - he speaks a lot about this in Resilient - his newest book).

Consider to reframing though: 'not letting someone down' by taking care of yourself - that is how to NOT let them down. You can't be there for another on empty. You gotta fill you up! Gena.
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Can you hire someone to be there on your date night?
So even if things come up, you can still be or go out?
Have you considered this or asked someone - do you ever get a night off?
Gena.
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anonymous262233 Aug 2018
Once Dad and I get into the new house with the caregivers (that I trust), I most likely will be able to plan a bit better (hopefully the lack of spontaneity won't turn Mr. Relentless off)

...and I'll be able to quit the second job as Dad's income will be enough for him to cover his own expenses.

17 days and counting...
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Have you considered group or individual therapy?
Or a caregiver support group? You are not alone.
This is not about him (as you know); it is all about you. Well, that is certainly true for all of us. We don't want to get hurt, we protect ourselves with all kinds of strategies and reasons to run the other way. It is often hard to experience what we feel, esp when it is all mixed up and confusing. It takes a kind of fortitude and courage to feel through whatever is going on.

This IS an opportunity for you to open your inner-can of worms-with, as so many psychological models say "with curiousity" (not judgment). If you feel a need to step back - examine your fears/feelings - do it. There is no set time table for a relationship. And Mr. Relentless will be there if he wants to be there. He may not and that is certainly his choice. You want to move forward based on YOUR grounded gut-head decisions, not based on fear of him leaving. This could be your practice guy to work through all this - the only way you'll know is by honoring your inner self and being where you are emotionally and psychologically. And, work from there. You might be 20 in development. I don't know. We shut down when we do and we unfortunately still get OLD. I'm 67 and still feel 17. Well, sometimes I feel like 92. Gena.
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anonymous262233 Aug 2018
This was really helpful.

I KNOW I hide behind caregiving as a protection mechanism. Thankfully, Mr. Relentless is giving me the time / space I need.

He checked on me but then left the door open for me to contact him when I was free. I only shared a little about Dad's current state (don't want to scare him off), but it was nice that he at least asked.

I keep wondering if he's being genuine or just getting information to use against me later.

...man that Narcissist ex really did a number on me (the jerk I referred to in my initial post).

We're supposed to go out on my birthday this week, but Dad still isn't doing well. I don't want to let him or Dad down so I'm trying to figure out how I can balance both...
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so what is the update on the date? I hope you’re able to find time for a couple of hours out w him every week
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UPDATE... we weren't able to do the go kart racing yesterday due to a mishap with my Dad. I took the day off from job #2 in anticipation of going out, but the date didn't happen.

He seemed very understanding about the whole thing, but my own fear reared its ugly head. I was reminded of how caregiving contributed to the breakdown of the relationship I was when I first took on caregiving.

This situation mirrored that. You make plans. Dad gets sick. You have to cancel. You make it to the date. Dad gets sick. You have to cut the date short. It made me think a LOT about what this nice, unsuspecting person may be in for... and it's probably going to get more challenging after moving Dad in.

I didn't take any action yet. I'm trying to stop and breathe, but the "quit while you're ahead" cliche is ringing loudly in my codependent brain.
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CaregiverL Aug 2018
Maybe it prevented something worse...go karts can be dangerous!
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Good for you!!! I'm happy for you. Go have fun. You'll be a better caretaker to your dad if your truly happy.
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Riverdale Aug 2018
So wonderful to hear a happy, positive story from a caregiver. I had a nice day with my mother today. I hope you continue to feel special.
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Whoop whoop!! Yay!! 🍰🎉👏🏻!! Oops! I forgot. We’re gonna keep it all cool and take it slow...Great news! I’m very happy for you. Enjoy! Don’t let your fears ruin it all for you but keep your EYES WIDE OPEN. Good luck.
Charlotte
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Wow everyone! Thanks for the support!

Well... I have definitely kept the communication lines open and this guy said he's willing to take things as slowly as I need, and that we will figure out how to spend time together

...so Sunday he took me to brunch. This wasn't just any brunch. It was brunch at a FANCY restaurant (did I mention he's a sous chef), and he and the executive chef prepared me a meal!!!! It was so great!! When I tried to give him the speech about how I didn't want him to spend a lot of money on me, his response was "Are you kidding? This was a chef's special! I used to work here!!!!!"

He made so many of my favorite foods. I didn't realize that over the two years that we've interacted (he works at my part time job), he's been paying attention to what I liked, so the meal was great!

I'm still a little afraid, but the fact that he's not rushing or pressuring me is a big plus. He knows that I am about to face a huge transition with moving in with Dad, but he said he's willing to take it one day at a time

I'm cautiously optimistic... and we're going go kart racing next weekend (daytime dates are working well).
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gdaughter Aug 2018
Ahem....so like, we're all going to be invited to the wedding, right? LOL. Tell us now, because I need time to find something to wear!
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Dont let him go. you'll regret it and be resentful. yes it's difficult to do both, relationship and care giving. But you need to have a life. My husband and I live with my father. While it's sometimes difficult, it's nice to have some one.
Make time for each other. Take care of yourself besides others. All the best
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Nothing wrong with having a Platonic friend to social with. I had such a relationship that lasted 15 years and was going to pop the question when I learned she came out of the closet, announced that she was a Lesbian and married her girlfriend. I have another friend who was once a room mate of the last one and I've had a platonic friendship with her for 20 years. She's a RN and has been a caregiver for over 10 years. I never refer to her as a girlfriend unless I want to hear her raise her voice. So I treat her like one of the family, my sisters like her as does my mother. She is up north now in Ohio assisting a relative with a 99 year old Aunt and won't return till October. Romance will never come, she says I'm too old. I'm 68, she is 54.
People try and line me up with dates and that is how I met my 2nd wife and lost her to another man. After the 3rd marriage went bust, I quit. But had hope with the bisexual friend, it didn't bother me but we were like two peas in a pod and she 46 and I was 59 when she got married. I was going to share a home with a past love, 2 years ago. She was looking forward to returning to Florida when her doctor told her that her breast cancer had returned after 8 years and she died 2 months later. She was 63.
I guess I'm just Snake Bit. But Ma'am, go with your heart, if you are still young enough, you MUST socialize or you will go NUTS. I spend 4 nights with my Mom then I spend 3 nights where I live with a male friend. If you like dancing, take your friend and go dancing and have a ball. The most I get from my lady friends is a hug and I give her a good squeeze. Live it up, you are only young once. Remember Hugh Hefner, he was in his 90's and had a 20 something girl friend, of course, it helped that he was rich, LOL. Good Luck!
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Live life have fun.
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I'm going to post before I read the other comments:-)
I think it boils down to "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I think you are afraid of the loss, which is so understandable, and obviously possible. Or is it a guy who in the end wants to have HIS needs taken care of as well? My sister was involved with one of those, and she never was caring for anyone but herself LOL.
The flip side is that this could really be a good guy...a good guy would recognize the importance of family, the need to care, and would want to do that for his own family. We good daughters have to remember there are good sons out there too. Ok, not as many...but some!
So, if you can stand to bear the potential loss, carry on...he will either demonstrate his patience or prove himself to be an a-hole, right? And in the meantime, you get a wee bit of time off for good behavior and a few laughs.
There a Fox show on last season...was it 911? I think it was renewed. Anyhow, a dispatcher whose name was Abby I believe, had a mom played by Mariette Hartley. They lived together. Had a caregiver while Abby was at work. Mom had dementia. Abby met a guy, date got ruined (hot air balloon ride no less) guy got pissed...but in the end I think there was still hopes of an on-going relationship.
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shad250 Aug 2018
9-11 may have high ratings, but the overall concept is not that great.
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It looks like the vote is in and the decision is unanimous: relax, take it slow but proceed with caution! Have fun!
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Over the past 4 years, I helped my elderly Mom with lots, and spent several hours with her each week. I met someone just before my Mom's condition declined, and we did well for a year or more in finding time to be together.

But, in the second year we were together, my former boyfriend began to advise me about how to manage my Mom's care. This grew to be a problem for me, as it became more and more a source of irritation for him whenever I did not take his advice - which was mostly to follow what he and his family had done to handle care for his older father.

So, I know very well how anyone you are friends (or more) with can add pressure to the highly draining situation of caregiving, which you don't need. Caregiving in any degree for a parent can be tremendously draining, and when the parent is living with you, that is high-level!

You probably have no way of knowing how long you will have your Dad with you. But, even though new relationships and/or friendships can add to the pressure in your life, I urge you to think about finding more time for you and anyone you enjoy spending time with to get a break from this responsibility. Since you are being open with this commitment to your Dad's care, it is possible you can find someone who WILL be supportive and won't add pressure. If and when it seems to start feeling like added pressure, then you can discuss that and consider any changes you can make to your "curfew" or any other parts of your life that are limited now in some ways.

Good luck to you, and do not give up on adding some joy to your life! You deserve and need time for your own relationships and happiness. If someone you become involved in doesn't support you, you can move on. I did, based on getting very tired of being over-advised, rather than feeling like a disappointment for not doing exactly what my ex-friend thought I should.
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Hi Tinyblu: You deserve to have a life and this guy sounds like it. Perhaps you can get respite.
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Go slow but you don’t have to end it! Give yourself permission to have some happiness or at least some time to distract from caregiving! If he cares & is worthwhile, he’ll be patient & understand. If he becomes demanding of you & your time, then get rid of him!
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Hello Tinyblu, I hope this finds you well. I can understand your frustration, but in all honesty I'm somewhat envious of you. I know that may sound harsh, but please let me explain. My Mom died from this horrible disease in 2008 and my Dad just passed away recently from the same disease so I can relate to the hardships of providing care for a loved one. You must be very good looking since you have had at least two guys pursuing you despite one being a "JERK" as you've described him as being. The reason I'm envious of you is the fact that I haven't had a single person show any interest in me at all and I'm at the point now where it seems futile to even hope for someone to enter my life. The reason I say this is because I too have been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and despite not showing any of the telltale symptoms yet(Thank God) I have always wanted to find someone, even long before my diagnosis, that I could love and who would love me back. I live in a very rural area and despite there being an abundance of farm animals, there isn't much of a selection of people of the opposite sex. Because of some very poor decision making when I was a lot younger I was incarcerated for nearly twenty years and I was released only shortly before my Mom passed away. She didn't even know who I was when I first went to see her after my release. My advice to you is to not give up on dating completely as you've contemplated, but by trying to focus on your responsibilities to your Dad as well as trying to find someone who loves you enough to accept your role as a caregiver and all that entails, I believe is too much of a hardship on you. You only have a 100% to give and I don't think that can be something you can divide between your Dad and the someone you're hoping to find. Please take care and good luck in all that you do. God Bless
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shad250 Aug 2018
You should watch a few Dateline episodes ( especially Mystery). You'll be glad you are alone.
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I think you need to do some work on yourself. Your post was indicative of someone who is angry and given to hyperbole and exaggeration. You start the post of by telling you dated a JERK (name calling), and express "terror" (really, dating is not an act of terrorism, it just is to you), and then you proceed to liken your current and budding relationship to a "can of worms". Taking this from the new guys perspective, if I read what you wrote, I would know this relationship is D.O.A. You actually have no decision to make, due to your present attitude, it is already over. Instead, why not express some confidence in yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way and also a degree of thankfulness that you are well off enough to have someone interested in you. Your whole attitude is what needs to change.
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gdaughter Aug 2018
Thank you for demonstrating the dangers of posing a question publicly. Hopefully the OP will recognize it is just your thoughts and listen to the majority. One can hardly know another person on the basis of one brief post.
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Listen to your gut. If you did decide to date, fine. But keep it all in perspective. And be sure to make YOU your own main focus. I can say that because I have a teen who would easily put our family on Dr Phil with his antics, a special needs daughter, a workaholic husband, a sibling who lives far away...and a 94 dad in AL in hospice care with congestive heart failure and dementia. I have to put me first, otherwise I’d be in a closet somewhere with a blanket over my head rocking and crying.
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Hi, let me add a little.
I am the caregiver for my elderly grandma and I live with her.
I also work and have a boyfriend! He’s very supportive and we’re engaged now. We’ve had to put off planning for our future
but he is very understanding and patient. I enjoy my life but I look forward to my future.
Your life is just as valuable as your dads. No matter how busy you get caregiving, your needs count too! Please don’t put off your happiness and pleasure. Life is too short!
You can do both if he’s the right guy!
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gdaughter Aug 2018
You found a keeper!
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I am the caregiver for my wife, who is stage 6 alzheimers. 8 months ago I felt that my life, what's left of it, would be spent taking care of her. I have since come to the realization that I still have many years left and they shouldn't be spent in seclusion and devoted exclusively to her. While she is the priority in my life I also now realize that I need time for myself. She goes to day care twice a week, all day and I have the the time to do the things I want. And thus includes seeing a lady for lunch and just having a good time together. I have told many of our friends about this, some say go for it and some think it's terrible. I choose to go for it. You should do the same. Life is short enough as it is. Live it to the fullest each day. Don't become a hermit. If you enjoy the guys company and he is willing to stay the course, then go for it. But you need to set the boundaries for your dad and stick with them and enjoy the companionship of the guy as long as he totally understands your commitment to your dad.
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faeriefiles Aug 2018
Well said Stephen and I'm in a similar situation and I agree. If boundaries and expectations are clearly outlined to those directly involved and such things are re-addressed as needed there is no reason why one cannot be a loving caregiver while also maintaining a life. It's not a can of worms if open, honest communication is the base the relationship is standing on.
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Hi Tinyblu, You deserve a life. If you like this guy or any other, give yourself the opportunity to enjoy dating. In my opinion, you will learn rather quickly whether this man can handle things when life gets tough. Personally speaking from experience, you actually save yourself a lot of headache in the dating department by finding out what a potential mate is made of when the going gets tough. As we all know, right now, the going is tough! If a man wants to be there during this time in your life, and you enjoy his company, it’s up to him to decide if he’d like to be part of your life. If he chooses to stick around, I think he’s a keeper!
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Stay in the present.
Take a date at a time. Stop future tripping.
You've had one date and perhaps another one date.
Change the scary word DATE to getting together with a new potential friend-that is what this is at this point (okay, perhaps with benefits). Still, he is a support in your life now - when you need it. Appreciate that - and him being there for you.
I hear overwhelm and self-protection (against getting hurt).
This person could be a HUGE emotional-psychological support to you, if not much more than that -
If you are honest with him, as it sounds like you are, there are other reasons why you feel terrified, which may have nothing to do with your Dad.
Take 'the dad' out of the equation and how would be feel about dating this person?
Go out for dinner, have a drink (or not) and enjoy yourself.
You need this balance in your life and most certainly deserve to feel good about yourself, with another person who cares about you. Gena.
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While I totally get your concerns especially given your past experience, unless you are just afraid and giving yourself the out, this is a no brainier. Of course your life changes and is going to change more as your dad's care requirements increase but the object for any of us is to maintain as much of a life as we can. Neither or or your dad I'm sure want you to find suddenly when he passes (years from now) that you have no life activities, nothing to dive into and enjoy, no one to talk to! It's so very important that you maintain a social life and family life while taking care of your dad, the idea of moving him in is to make him a part of your home life not to rebuild it around him (it's really a mix but hopefully you get the idea).

You have a great opportunity here to see what this guy or any that follow, is made of. You aren't duping him unless you aren't honest about your situation and if this move is happening during the get to know you phase he should be hearing about it all since it's such a big part of your life. I mean when getting to know each other you are learning about each others lives and views on things, a big part of your life is dad "I need to be home by 11pm because that's when Sally, Dad's caregiver leaves" "oh is your dad not able to be left alone" "yes unfortunately it's gotten to that point now, he can't get himself out of bed to use the bathroom...he has hallucinations at night and wanders so someone needs to be there to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or burn the house down" this guy like anyone in your life is going to get the picture pretty quick and then he can decide for himself if it's something he can live with (so to speak) or not, each step of the way. I mean maybe he wont feel like he can handle taking the relationship to the next level but really enjoys as much of your company as he can get without that so you will just spend time together before 11pm once or twice a week or month, whatever it works out to. You are getting to know about each other now don't hide who you are or the things that fill up your life and let things happen the way the will. Maybe it will turn out that he is wired for care giving too and enjoys spending time with you and Dad as well as just you, who knows. Not you until you give it a chance.

Let me be clear, you don't want to build up expectations about the relationship either, I mean don't go in with expectations about how he will react to anything negative or positive let him digest and react and you do the same. Don't think this is your last chance or anything just enjoy getting to know a new friend. But do not hermit yourself up with Dad thinking your taking care of everyone else, it's not up to you to decide for this guy (or anyone else) what is fair and what isn't, what he can or can't handle, he's an adult he can make those decisions for himself, as long as your honest and that doesn't mean painting a bleaker picture then it is either. Hehehe Enjoy!
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You've had someone chasing you for 6 months?? I actually don't know what that feels like anymore so I say go for it! YOU deserve to be happy. I too have an aging parent (mother) that has lived with me off/on for 20 years! And yes she can be very hard to please, critical, and just plain hard on me. I've given up so much for her but am to the point that I will assist but not be her beck and call girl anymore. I've told her and the rest of my family point blank - I'm exhausted, and I deserve to have a life. I work full-time, own my home and have friends and I'm not giving that up. I recently took a break because I felt like I was about to have a breakdown! I get hardly any support from my family - they just sit back and judge and criticize. I was in a dark place. I took a time out for me - took mom to visit a dear friend - and enjoyed being by myself for a few weeks. I gained back my sanity and sense of self. I got to spend time with friends/workout more/go to a movie/brunch. It was nice to feel human again! I know I'm not "done" but have told my mom/family that assistance would be needed because I cannot do it all. I actually had a "friend" I would see and enjoy and he had both parents living with him! So we actually had that in common. So he more than understood where I was coming from. So give the guy a chance - WE all deserve some happiness in life no matter how narcissistic and self-serving our parents try to be. I STILL get the guilt trip BUT I don't let it bother me any longer.
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Omg girlfriend, you are looking at this all wrong. There are no rewards for martyrdom and self abandonment and frankly you are not getting any younger. Trust this from a 40 something who has been in the caregiving trap with an ungrateful parent for three years and rebuilding my own life now from a much deeper valley than what you are in now...

The boundaries and lifestyle expectations you set for yourself now in the beginning phases of caregiving under the same roof will have huge impact for years to come. If you start abandoning yourself, waiting for “someday“ and shelving your most basic needs, you are going to be in worse shape than your dad at some point emotionally... also it is very hard to retroactively change boundaries when you have set them up poorly in the first place.

There is no “good time“ to start a relationship. There are only good relationships and bad relationships. Your dad could have many more years and you want to be with a spouse who embraces your commitment to helping him, rather than sees it as an impediment to a relationship. It sounds like this guy actually has potential on that front, so why on earth would you want to toss him ?????

Give it a chance. Just take things slowly at a safe place that feels comfortable. Explain your situation and use it as a way to learn how to navigate boundaries for your relationships in this new lifestyle of caregiving. Believe me, it is not going to get one iota easier as time goes on, so the more you can set your life up to preserve balance now the better. Chances are he’s not completely unfamiliar with caregiving since every family has been touched by it at some point. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes. In fact it’s very necessary! A good father will want his daughter to date and be secure years from now. Good luck!
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Coping1022 Aug 2018
I completely agree with the boundary setting early on! My bf has been caring for his mother in his home for the last 10 years. There are virtually no boundaries and this makes things stressful and allows resentment to build. He is trying to put more boundaries in place now (carve out separate space, attempt for us to have a private dinner once in a while, etc.); however, this is proving to be difficult as she declines. As we know, trying to have our loved ones learn new things at this stage is virtually impossible. I try to be as understanding as possible, but it can def be too much at times. Before getting too involved with this man, be thoughtful about how you want to set up boundaries, expectations, etc. You are the one who will set the pace in all of the above, so consider how you want it to look and then move forward.
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I completely understand your reluctance to becoming involved right when your about to face a major transition. I think about seeing someone and wonder how I would fit anyone into this life of work and drudgery.
I don’t watch tv, don’t see movies, don’t socialize and whenever I relax there’s always something I should be doing instead.
But God wouldn’t it be nice to share the load with someone? Wouldn’t it be great to have some comic relief sometime? Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to relax again?
on the other hand, I don’t know that I could trust someone enough to believe they understand my responsibilities even if they say they do. The last thing I want is to have someone around that puts more pressure on me or demands time that I don’t have to devote to him. Is it even fair to ask for such an uneven relationship?
in the meantime you have a great start in that you have outside work and you have help already lined up. If you can enjoy yourself without any undue pressure I think that’s what you should do. It will help you keep your sense of self and he could be your knight in shining armour! Or! Maybe not...what have you got to lose??
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I like Ahmijoy's answer the best, because it is what I try to tell everyone who dates, even if they don't have caregiver issues. Everyone, myself included for the first 40 years of my life thought dating needed to be about falling in love. If we don't fall in love, we trick ourselves into it anyway.

But back to you specifically. Looking at it through the vision of someone "dating" I suspect you are afraid that if you are unwilling to start a physical relationship with a guy that he may be unable to understand your feelings toward the matter as it relates to privacy with your Dad in the house, or you may not be interested anyway and he might blame that. Or any combination of the above. It is difficult enough to decide when to start a physical relationship much less have it complicated by having one's Dad not only living with you, but needing your attention at upredictable times.

It comes down to getting to know your guy and establishing a solid friendship.

Or as was also said, just have someone to hang out with for a while, and not pretend it is, or feel guilty if it is not, anything more than that. Make friends with this guy, you might have a lifetime relationship, or you might be the user, so be upfront and present your needs and expectations honestly, and don't get fooled by a user, and don't be one either.
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