Afraid to date; why did I open this can of worms?

Is there any reason why you can’t be friends first? Instead of bona fide “dates”, go out for coffee when the caregiver is there, or a quick lunch. If you need to be home by 11:00, go to an early movie. I would not worry about not having privacy for well, you know...That’s a while down the road. You should get to know him first, after all.

just because we are Caregivers doesn’t mean we can’t have any life at all. It’s not easy to balance a social life and caregiving. But, you know what. If we really want to we can do it. We make plans and arrangements and we just do it. If you spend time with this man, you will learn whether he truly understands your life and duties. If you don’t, you’ll never know. Give it a chance. This could be something really good for you.

You’re overthinking it. Just spend the time you can with the new guy, have fun, and stop thinking so much 😎

Forget about letting him down easy. Enjoy the time you have with him however long it lasts. Be honest about your limitations and let him worry about "fairness". He might not be interested in a deep relationship either - there's nothing wrong with just having some fun and companionship.

Years ago a coworker and I had a platonic relationship. We liked each other and enjoyed each other's company but there just wasn't anything else there. Neither of us enjoyed going to couple events alone. We had dinner together a couple of times a week; went to movies, ballgames and concerts; and were each others "dates" for company parties and weddings. We live in separate towns now but still get together every once in a while.

Enjoy

TinyBlu, I'm going to suggest that your Jerk from two years back was pushing you to enforce boundaries with your dad that you were not ready to handle yet. You have come a long way and tried an evening out to balance the stress your life brings, and you had fun.

What I hear you writing is that you really enjoyed your time with this new fellow but you are committed to living your life devoted to a man (dad) who physically abused many people you love and who leaves a load of guilt on your doorstep daily. You don't think the new guy would understand why you would do this to yourself since your previous friend/jerk could not understand your lesser involvement with dad at that time.

I feel like your future caring for your dad that you describe is that of a hermit or a monk. Instead of doing this for religious devotion to God, you will be doing this in an effort to be the one person who your dad might find worthy of affection. Perhaps that is a religious devotion, as our parents are our first image of God, and you are still trying to please that first god in your life. You are not going to find that affirmation from your dad with all of his emotional and cognitive deficits.

You *will* find the affirmation you need from one of these fine young men who encourages you to have less involvement in dad's day to day life. If a man is fine with you having this super high level with involvement with dad after your cloistering begins, I would see that as being a red flag that he does not want to have a serious relationship with you where he has to have a higher level of involvement and committment in your life.

I think it would be an ***excellent*** idea to pursue a relationship with this man so that you will have support as you realize your limitations. You would also do well to find a therapist so you don't rely on the guy to help you set boundaries/ listen to you complain about the life you have chosen. I have a feeling that is what caused you to react to the "jerk" who saw that you were not taking care of yourself.

Tiny, I know these are hard words to hear. I do hope you can use them. <3

AMEN to what Surprise said. Read it again.

you like him, he likes you. you told him about your dad.
so... what if you never see him again and he was the right person and it could have worked out?

is it a fear of failing.? but if it doesn't work out deal with it later? at least you gave it a shot. maybe it is ~worth~ finding out and not having a regret later

Your boyfriend SHOULD be willing to help you sit with your dad...and if he loves you he will help you all the way. Caregivers need help from friends and family and that includes personal relationships. If he's not willing to help, to me this represents irresponsibility and he's just in it for a good time -- that is, a user. But that's up to you to decide. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen..but you only have one mother and one father. For all eternity.

Yes give it a try. You deserve a life beyond caregiving. If it fails you will at least know you gave it a shot. You should not be further deprived from any possible chance at doing something for yourself while also undertaking a life situation that at many times will seem to offer you any rewards.

Why are you denying yourself a life???? Do NOT put yourself on hold for what may be years to come. You deserve a life. Unless you want to be a martyr.
Just be honest and tell the guy up front. If he cares he will be still be interested.
You are imposing a curfew on yourself. Granted it may be an occasional thing, but there are people willing to caretake those hours, or even a few hrs. It could be every Friday night, or occasionally. Maybe you can be home during the day and swap times with the caretaker. Or get a college kid if dad sleeps thru the night. Or a backup caretaker who is familiar with dementia if m9re care needed.
If dad is sleeping boyfriend can come over and have a quiet evening there. It is about spending time together, not what you do.
A lot of caregivers who don't have outlets other than caregiving and working, usually are at the breaking point.
Don't let that be you.

There is a reason you said yes and went out with this man. It would be a shame to let old demons and past relationships make you run from something that could be good. You won’t know unless you try. He is an adult. He does not need you to make decisions for him. You were honest and open about your situation and he had already been briefed by your coworkers about things before you spoke about them. And still he pursued you. That tells me he sees you as worthy of some effort. The issue may be that you do not see yourself the same.
i agree with much of what Surprise said. Caring for our parents can have many layers disguised as love and loyalty but very often many of them run far deeper into more painful areas of need and longing for things like approval and validation we never received in the past. Tread carefully and consciously.
Do not limit your life and cut yourself off from socialising in any way. Your father may be coming into his final years but you most certainly are not. It is a fine balance between giving our time to caretaking and taking time out to tend to our own needs. Your life must continue in order for you to remain healthy and whole. Only then can you present your best self for and to your father. Never use caring for him as a cop-out for not living your best life. I do not know how old he is but you do. Consider how much longer he may live. Are you willing to surrender that many years of your happiness and fulfilment to caretaking? If your answer is yes, you have a problem that only you can fix. If the answer is no, you are ready for a second date.
Wishing you peace as you move forward in your life.

There are some men worth giving a chance to - maybe this is one of them. Don’t close off your life just because you care for your father - it’s ok to have someone!

Why not "ride it out" and see what happens? What if "this guy" is God's Gift to you and not only understands but would be helpful and supportive?

Yes, there are men out there that can not only handle caregiving but also be supportive.
My DH had been concerned about maybe having to take care of my parents financially - but he was really glad that he wanted to be with me more than he was worried (in his first marriage he had to help support is in-laws until they passed, and he was married until his first wife passed, 37 years.) Well, he wanted me more than he was worried and we were together 33 years before he passed a couple of months ago. He was older than my parents but survived them by 14 years for mom and 7 years for pop.

I say, see what happens - because you'd really hate yourself if you threw away a gift of the perfect match just because you are afraid. Be open and honest in your responsibilities and see what he says.

I like Ahmijoy's answer the best, because it is what I try to tell everyone who dates, even if they don't have caregiver issues. Everyone, myself included for the first 40 years of my life thought dating needed to be about falling in love. If we don't fall in love, we trick ourselves into it anyway.

But back to you specifically. Looking at it through the vision of someone "dating" I suspect you are afraid that if you are unwilling to start a physical relationship with a guy that he may be unable to understand your feelings toward the matter as it relates to privacy with your Dad in the house, or you may not be interested anyway and he might blame that. Or any combination of the above. It is difficult enough to decide when to start a physical relationship much less have it complicated by having one's Dad not only living with you, but needing your attention at upredictable times.

It comes down to getting to know your guy and establishing a solid friendship.

Or as was also said, just have someone to hang out with for a while, and not pretend it is, or feel guilty if it is not, anything more than that. Make friends with this guy, you might have a lifetime relationship, or you might be the user, so be upfront and present your needs and expectations honestly, and don't get fooled by a user, and don't be one either.

I completely understand your reluctance to becoming involved right when your about to face a major transition. I think about seeing someone and wonder how I would fit anyone into this life of work and drudgery.
I don’t watch tv, don’t see movies, don’t socialize and whenever I relax there’s always something I should be doing instead.
But God wouldn’t it be nice to share the load with someone? Wouldn’t it be great to have some comic relief sometime? Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to relax again?
on the other hand, I don’t know that I could trust someone enough to believe they understand my responsibilities even if they say they do. The last thing I want is to have someone around that puts more pressure on me or demands time that I don’t have to devote to him. Is it even fair to ask for such an uneven relationship?
in the meantime you have a great start in that you have outside work and you have help already lined up. If you can enjoy yourself without any undue pressure I think that’s what you should do. It will help you keep your sense of self and he could be your knight in shining armour! Or! Maybe not...what have you got to lose??

Omg girlfriend, you are looking at this all wrong. There are no rewards for martyrdom and self abandonment and frankly you are not getting any younger. Trust this from a 40 something who has been in the caregiving trap with an ungrateful parent for three years and rebuilding my own life now from a much deeper valley than what you are in now...

The boundaries and lifestyle expectations you set for yourself now in the beginning phases of caregiving under the same roof will have huge impact for years to come. If you start abandoning yourself, waiting for “someday“ and shelving your most basic needs, you are going to be in worse shape than your dad at some point emotionally... also it is very hard to retroactively change boundaries when you have set them up poorly in the first place.

There is no “good time“ to start a relationship. There are only good relationships and bad relationships. Your dad could have many more years and you want to be with a spouse who embraces your commitment to helping him, rather than sees it as an impediment to a relationship. It sounds like this guy actually has potential on that front, so why on earth would you want to toss him ?????

Give it a chance. Just take things slowly at a safe place that feels comfortable. Explain your situation and use it as a way to learn how to navigate boundaries for your relationships in this new lifestyle of caregiving. Believe me, it is not going to get one iota easier as time goes on, so the more you can set your life up to preserve balance now the better. Chances are he’s not completely unfamiliar with caregiving since every family has been touched by it at some point. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes. In fact it’s very necessary! A good father will want his daughter to date and be secure years from now. Good luck!

You've had someone chasing you for 6 months?? I actually don't know what that feels like anymore so I say go for it! YOU deserve to be happy. I too have an aging parent (mother) that has lived with me off/on for 20 years! And yes she can be very hard to please, critical, and just plain hard on me. I've given up so much for her but am to the point that I will assist but not be her beck and call girl anymore. I've told her and the rest of my family point blank - I'm exhausted, and I deserve to have a life. I work full-time, own my home and have friends and I'm not giving that up. I recently took a break because I felt like I was about to have a breakdown! I get hardly any support from my family - they just sit back and judge and criticize. I was in a dark place. I took a time out for me - took mom to visit a dear friend - and enjoyed being by myself for a few weeks. I gained back my sanity and sense of self. I got to spend time with friends/workout more/go to a movie/brunch. It was nice to feel human again! I know I'm not "done" but have told my mom/family that assistance would be needed because I cannot do it all. I actually had a "friend" I would see and enjoy and he had both parents living with him! So we actually had that in common. So he more than understood where I was coming from. So give the guy a chance - WE all deserve some happiness in life no matter how narcissistic and self-serving our parents try to be. I STILL get the guilt trip BUT I don't let it bother me any longer.

While I totally get your concerns especially given your past experience, unless you are just afraid and giving yourself the out, this is a no brainier. Of course your life changes and is going to change more as your dad's care requirements increase but the object for any of us is to maintain as much of a life as we can. Neither or or your dad I'm sure want you to find suddenly when he passes (years from now) that you have no life activities, nothing to dive into and enjoy, no one to talk to! It's so very important that you maintain a social life and family life while taking care of your dad, the idea of moving him in is to make him a part of your home life not to rebuild it around him (it's really a mix but hopefully you get the idea).

You have a great opportunity here to see what this guy or any that follow, is made of. You aren't duping him unless you aren't honest about your situation and if this move is happening during the get to know you phase he should be hearing about it all since it's such a big part of your life. I mean when getting to know each other you are learning about each others lives and views on things, a big part of your life is dad "I need to be home by 11pm because that's when Sally, Dad's caregiver leaves" "oh is your dad not able to be left alone" "yes unfortunately it's gotten to that point now, he can't get himself out of bed to use the bathroom...he has hallucinations at night and wanders so someone needs to be there to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or burn the house down" this guy like anyone in your life is going to get the picture pretty quick and then he can decide for himself if it's something he can live with (so to speak) or not, each step of the way. I mean maybe he wont feel like he can handle taking the relationship to the next level but really enjoys as much of your company as he can get without that so you will just spend time together before 11pm once or twice a week or month, whatever it works out to. You are getting to know about each other now don't hide who you are or the things that fill up your life and let things happen the way the will. Maybe it will turn out that he is wired for care giving too and enjoys spending time with you and Dad as well as just you, who knows. Not you until you give it a chance.

Let me be clear, you don't want to build up expectations about the relationship either, I mean don't go in with expectations about how he will react to anything negative or positive let him digest and react and you do the same. Don't think this is your last chance or anything just enjoy getting to know a new friend. But do not hermit yourself up with Dad thinking your taking care of everyone else, it's not up to you to decide for this guy (or anyone else) what is fair and what isn't, what he can or can't handle, he's an adult he can make those decisions for himself, as long as your honest and that doesn't mean painting a bleaker picture then it is either. Hehehe Enjoy!

Stay in the present.
Take a date at a time. Stop future tripping.
You've had one date and perhaps another one date.
Change the scary word DATE to getting together with a new potential friend-that is what this is at this point (okay, perhaps with benefits). Still, he is a support in your life now - when you need it. Appreciate that - and him being there for you.
I hear overwhelm and self-protection (against getting hurt).
This person could be a HUGE emotional-psychological support to you, if not much more than that -
If you are honest with him, as it sounds like you are, there are other reasons why you feel terrified, which may have nothing to do with your Dad.
Take 'the dad' out of the equation and how would be feel about dating this person?
Go out for dinner, have a drink (or not) and enjoy yourself.
You need this balance in your life and most certainly deserve to feel good about yourself, with another person who cares about you. Gena.

Hi Tinyblu, You deserve a life. If you like this guy or any other, give yourself the opportunity to enjoy dating. In my opinion, you will learn rather quickly whether this man can handle things when life gets tough. Personally speaking from experience, you actually save yourself a lot of headache in the dating department by finding out what a potential mate is made of when the going gets tough. As we all know, right now, the going is tough! If a man wants to be there during this time in your life, and you enjoy his company, it’s up to him to decide if he’d like to be part of your life. If he chooses to stick around, I think he’s a keeper!

I am the caregiver for my wife, who is stage 6 alzheimers. 8 months ago I felt that my life, what's left of it, would be spent taking care of her. I have since come to the realization that I still have many years left and they shouldn't be spent in seclusion and devoted exclusively to her. While she is the priority in my life I also now realize that I need time for myself. She goes to day care twice a week, all day and I have the the time to do the things I want. And thus includes seeing a lady for lunch and just having a good time together. I have told many of our friends about this, some say go for it and some think it's terrible. I choose to go for it. You should do the same. Life is short enough as it is. Live it to the fullest each day. Don't become a hermit. If you enjoy the guys company and he is willing to stay the course, then go for it. But you need to set the boundaries for your dad and stick with them and enjoy the companionship of the guy as long as he totally understands your commitment to your dad.

Hi, let me add a little.
I am the caregiver for my elderly grandma and I live with her.
I also work and have a boyfriend! He’s very supportive and we’re engaged now. We’ve had to put off planning for our future
but he is very understanding and patient. I enjoy my life but I look forward to my future.
Your life is just as valuable as your dads. No matter how busy you get caregiving, your needs count too! Please don’t put off your happiness and pleasure. Life is too short!
You can do both if he’s the right guy!

Listen to your gut. If you did decide to date, fine. But keep it all in perspective. And be sure to make YOU your own main focus. I can say that because I have a teen who would easily put our family on Dr Phil with his antics, a special needs daughter, a workaholic husband, a sibling who lives far away...and a 94 dad in AL in hospice care with congestive heart failure and dementia. I have to put me first, otherwise I’d be in a closet somewhere with a blanket over my head rocking and crying.

I think you need to do some work on yourself. Your post was indicative of someone who is angry and given to hyperbole and exaggeration. You start the post of by telling you dated a JERK (name calling), and express "terror" (really, dating is not an act of terrorism, it just is to you), and then you proceed to liken your current and budding relationship to a "can of worms". Taking this from the new guys perspective, if I read what you wrote, I would know this relationship is D.O.A. You actually have no decision to make, due to your present attitude, it is already over. Instead, why not express some confidence in yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way and also a degree of thankfulness that you are well off enough to have someone interested in you. Your whole attitude is what needs to change.

Hello Tinyblu, I hope this finds you well. I can understand your frustration, but in all honesty I'm somewhat envious of you. I know that may sound harsh, but please let me explain. My Mom died from this horrible disease in 2008 and my Dad just passed away recently from the same disease so I can relate to the hardships of providing care for a loved one. You must be very good looking since you have had at least two guys pursuing you despite one being a "JERK" as you've described him as being. The reason I'm envious of you is the fact that I haven't had a single person show any interest in me at all and I'm at the point now where it seems futile to even hope for someone to enter my life. The reason I say this is because I too have been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and despite not showing any of the telltale symptoms yet(Thank God) I have always wanted to find someone, even long before my diagnosis, that I could love and who would love me back. I live in a very rural area and despite there being an abundance of farm animals, there isn't much of a selection of people of the opposite sex. Because of some very poor decision making when I was a lot younger I was incarcerated for nearly twenty years and I was released only shortly before my Mom passed away. She didn't even know who I was when I first went to see her after my release. My advice to you is to not give up on dating completely as you've contemplated, but by trying to focus on your responsibilities to your Dad as well as trying to find someone who loves you enough to accept your role as a caregiver and all that entails, I believe is too much of a hardship on you. You only have a 100% to give and I don't think that can be something you can divide between your Dad and the someone you're hoping to find. Please take care and good luck in all that you do. God Bless

Go slow but you don’t have to end it! Give yourself permission to have some happiness or at least some time to distract from caregiving! If he cares & is worthwhile, he’ll be patient & understand. If he becomes demanding of you & your time, then get rid of him!

Hi Tinyblu: You deserve to have a life and this guy sounds like it. Perhaps you can get respite.

Over the past 4 years, I helped my elderly Mom with lots, and spent several hours with her each week. I met someone just before my Mom's condition declined, and we did well for a year or more in finding time to be together.

But, in the second year we were together, my former boyfriend began to advise me about how to manage my Mom's care. This grew to be a problem for me, as it became more and more a source of irritation for him whenever I did not take his advice - which was mostly to follow what he and his family had done to handle care for his older father.

So, I know very well how anyone you are friends (or more) with can add pressure to the highly draining situation of caregiving, which you don't need. Caregiving in any degree for a parent can be tremendously draining, and when the parent is living with you, that is high-level!

You probably have no way of knowing how long you will have your Dad with you. But, even though new relationships and/or friendships can add to the pressure in your life, I urge you to think about finding more time for you and anyone you enjoy spending time with to get a break from this responsibility. Since you are being open with this commitment to your Dad's care, it is possible you can find someone who WILL be supportive and won't add pressure. If and when it seems to start feeling like added pressure, then you can discuss that and consider any changes you can make to your "curfew" or any other parts of your life that are limited now in some ways.

Good luck to you, and do not give up on adding some joy to your life! You deserve and need time for your own relationships and happiness. If someone you become involved in doesn't support you, you can move on. I did, based on getting very tired of being over-advised, rather than feeling like a disappointment for not doing exactly what my ex-friend thought I should.

It looks like the vote is in and the decision is unanimous: relax, take it slow but proceed with caution! Have fun!

I'm going to post before I read the other comments:-)
I think it boils down to "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I think you are afraid of the loss, which is so understandable, and obviously possible. Or is it a guy who in the end wants to have HIS needs taken care of as well? My sister was involved with one of those, and she never was caring for anyone but herself LOL.
The flip side is that this could really be a good guy...a good guy would recognize the importance of family, the need to care, and would want to do that for his own family. We good daughters have to remember there are good sons out there too. Ok, not as many...but some!
So, if you can stand to bear the potential loss, carry on...he will either demonstrate his patience or prove himself to be an a-hole, right? And in the meantime, you get a wee bit of time off for good behavior and a few laughs.
There a Fox show on last season...was it 911? I think it was renewed. Anyhow, a dispatcher whose name was Abby I believe, had a mom played by Mariette Hartley. They lived together. Had a caregiver while Abby was at work. Mom had dementia. Abby met a guy, date got ruined (hot air balloon ride no less) guy got pissed...but in the end I think there was still hopes of an on-going relationship.

Live life have fun.