Two years ago after a gut-wrenching breakup with a total JERK who basically criticized my caregiving (after pretending to be helpful in the beginning), I decided to give up on dating. This wasn't my first failure at dating while caregiving as the relationship prior to that broke down considerably after I moved my Dad closer to me and started the whole caregiving process. That guy was super nice, but I was a mess. It took a toll on the relationship and we mutually decided to end the relationship.
...so there's this guy...
who has been relentlessly pursuing me for over 6 months. We've known each other casually for almost two years, but I've ignored his efforts because I don't think it's fair to share my caregiving burdens with some unsuspecting soul. He's aware from coworkers that I help out with Dad, but no one can know the full magnitude of our plight unless in it.
Anyway, I FINALLY gave in and decided to go out with him and we had SUCH a great time. He was attentive, understanding, and I haven't laughed that much in years. Of course, I gave him the spiel "I'm not in the position to date... blah, blah, blah", and he said he understood, but he wants to take me out again... and I'm TERRIFIED.
My life is about to change in a month when I have Dad at home with me essentially full time. I have a caregiver helping out 4 days a week, but I would essentially have a curfew (gotta be home before she leaves at 11 PM). Dad will be with me, so that would mean having eyes and ears around should we want to spend time together at my place...
I like the guy, but I think I should quit while I'm ahead. Besides, maybe I just liked the ATTENTION (haven't even remotely entertained anyone in two years) instead of the guy.
Why did I open this can of worms? How do I let him down easy?
People try and line me up with dates and that is how I met my 2nd wife and lost her to another man. After the 3rd marriage went bust, I quit. But had hope with the bisexual friend, it didn't bother me but we were like two peas in a pod and she 46 and I was 59 when she got married. I was going to share a home with a past love, 2 years ago. She was looking forward to returning to Florida when her doctor told her that her breast cancer had returned after 8 years and she died 2 months later. She was 63.
I guess I'm just Snake Bit. But Ma'am, go with your heart, if you are still young enough, you MUST socialize or you will go NUTS. I spend 4 nights with my Mom then I spend 3 nights where I live with a male friend. If you like dancing, take your friend and go dancing and have a ball. The most I get from my lady friends is a hug and I give her a good squeeze. Live it up, you are only young once. Remember Hugh Hefner, he was in his 90's and had a 20 something girl friend, of course, it helped that he was rich, LOL. Good Luck!
Make time for each other. Take care of yourself besides others. All the best
Well... I have definitely kept the communication lines open and this guy said he's willing to take things as slowly as I need, and that we will figure out how to spend time together
...so Sunday he took me to brunch. This wasn't just any brunch. It was brunch at a FANCY restaurant (did I mention he's a sous chef), and he and the executive chef prepared me a meal!!!! It was so great!! When I tried to give him the speech about how I didn't want him to spend a lot of money on me, his response was "Are you kidding? This was a chef's special! I used to work here!!!!!"
He made so many of my favorite foods. I didn't realize that over the two years that we've interacted (he works at my part time job), he's been paying attention to what I liked, so the meal was great!
I'm still a little afraid, but the fact that he's not rushing or pressuring me is a big plus. He knows that I am about to face a huge transition with moving in with Dad, but he said he's willing to take it one day at a time
I'm cautiously optimistic... and we're going go kart racing next weekend (daytime dates are working well).
Charlotte
He seemed very understanding about the whole thing, but my own fear reared its ugly head. I was reminded of how caregiving contributed to the breakdown of the relationship I was when I first took on caregiving.
This situation mirrored that. You make plans. Dad gets sick. You have to cancel. You make it to the date. Dad gets sick. You have to cut the date short. It made me think a LOT about what this nice, unsuspecting person may be in for... and it's probably going to get more challenging after moving Dad in.
I didn't take any action yet. I'm trying to stop and breathe, but the "quit while you're ahead" cliche is ringing loudly in my codependent brain.
Or a caregiver support group? You are not alone.
This is not about him (as you know); it is all about you. Well, that is certainly true for all of us. We don't want to get hurt, we protect ourselves with all kinds of strategies and reasons to run the other way. It is often hard to experience what we feel, esp when it is all mixed up and confusing. It takes a kind of fortitude and courage to feel through whatever is going on.
This IS an opportunity for you to open your inner-can of worms-with, as so many psychological models say "with curiousity" (not judgment). If you feel a need to step back - examine your fears/feelings - do it. There is no set time table for a relationship. And Mr. Relentless will be there if he wants to be there. He may not and that is certainly his choice. You want to move forward based on YOUR grounded gut-head decisions, not based on fear of him leaving. This could be your practice guy to work through all this - the only way you'll know is by honoring your inner self and being where you are emotionally and psychologically. And, work from there. You might be 20 in development. I don't know. We shut down when we do and we unfortunately still get OLD. I'm 67 and still feel 17. Well, sometimes I feel like 92. Gena.
I KNOW I hide behind caregiving as a protection mechanism. Thankfully, Mr. Relentless is giving me the time / space I need.
He checked on me but then left the door open for me to contact him when I was free. I only shared a little about Dad's current state (don't want to scare him off), but it was nice that he at least asked.
I keep wondering if he's being genuine or just getting information to use against me later.
...man that Narcissist ex really did a number on me (the jerk I referred to in my initial post).
We're supposed to go out on my birthday this week, but Dad still isn't doing well. I don't want to let him or Dad down so I'm trying to figure out how I can balance both...
So even if things come up, you can still be or go out?
Have you considered this or asked someone - do you ever get a night off?
Gena.
...and I'll be able to quit the second job as Dad's income will be enough for him to cover his own expenses.
17 days and counting...
You are very aware of your triggers and strategies. That's a huge start. Next step? Do something different to get out of the repetitive thinking-behavorial mode. Often that takes focus - tenacity. (Listen to Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - he speaks a lot about this in Resilient - his newest book).
Consider to reframing though: 'not letting someone down' by taking care of yourself - that is how to NOT let them down. You can't be there for another on empty. You gotta fill you up! Gena.
Now, do you have any idea how to get what you want? When you do, plz share....
That really spoke to me. I've been pondering your situation and just read back over the more recent posts. I've often wondered why you want to take over your dad's care in the situation that you have described here so many times. You are finally seeing that bringing your dad home really does leave you no time for yourself.