I'm a newbie here, and I openly admit I have a lot to learn. I am trying to educate myself but it's overwhelming. This is more of a vent/need support post. But I hope maybe someone could point me in the right direction:
My Father in law (divorced from MIL 25 yrs ago) WAS for years a heavy drinker and self employed contractor. He lost his house about 10 years ago (sensitive topic, so I don't know the exact details, I assume it was being unpaid for) and moved in with his (then single) brother. 3 years ago he had a few minor strokes, that left him unable to continue working, and he filled and started receiving disability. But as many know, it's incredibly low income. His strokes are also what made him do a 180 in his life style; he quit smoke, drinking alcohol, and even cut his 5 cups of coffee down to one a day. In the past two years, his brother has married his longtime girlfriend and moved in with her. He's let my FIL say at his house until he decided to ultimately sell it. My FIL had applied for low income housing, but the waitlist is unpredictable. Last summer (2017) his uncle sold his house, leaving his brother to find a place to live.
Meanwhile, this past year, we were living at my parents to save for a home, so we were unable to help him. And my BIL was putting his house on the market, and looking for a home as well. So he was staying with another family member.
We begun house searching in the fall, and my husband and I knew without a doubt, his father couldn't stay where he was, and would most likely come stay with us. Dec of 2017 we made settlement on our new home, and a week later, his dad moved in.
And here is where I am upset and frustrated. I am 32, my husband 36, and we have one daughter (4) and are praying/trying for another. Right now, space wise we are fine, but I know in the future it will get tight. But we knew that getting into. I also knew it was only temporary, or at least that what I thought.
(if your still with me, reading this, at this point, thank you!!)
My FIL just told us last weekend that he's decided he wanted to stay here (in response to if he has heard anything about the low income housing). I feel guilty about this but, I'm not okay with that. I'm glad his dad is happy and comfortable here, and I know this is selfish, but I feel, he can very well live on his own (apart from his financial troubles). I'm angry that I didn't see this coming. I know we all need to have a sit down and talk. My husband and I haven't yet spoke any further to him yet, bc we're still trying to sort out what our options are. My FIL's only income is the small disability check. Which, he's become very comfortable with. At least I'm assuming so bc he's made no attempt to do anything else. Yes he's slower then he was before the strokes, but he gets around just fine. He's very self sufficient, he's actually a decent house mate, he cooks and cleans after himself. I admit, I'm very lucky, as keeps to himself a lot, and doesn't intrude. Except that he occupies the living most of the day, and I feel I can't be 100% myself with him there. But bc he has little to no money, we're not sure what we can do. I was hoping he would save this checks while he was here (we don't ask him for $ for rent or food) and when his name was call for the housing, he would take it and move on his own. But now i'm in this sticky situation where he wants to stay, I don't, and my husband is in the middle - He's not sure what else we can do, and he's okay with his dad staying, which makes me feel like the bad guy.
I just feel like we're a young family, still in the early years of parenthood. I never would of guessed that we would also be having his dad here....indefinitely. It would be one thing if his health was 100% the issue, but it's not. I would love to get my FIL some counseling and I want to be supportive, but I don't want to be enabling him either. I feel bad for thinking this, but I feel like he's made decisions that got him to this point. Yes the minor strokes were unforeseen, but getting older and having money in retirement is not a new concept. He did not prepare, and he's treating his disability as chosen retirement. That I feel, if you can not afford to take care of yourself, then you can not afford to be retired. What if we lived cross country and couldn't take him in? Many work past their 60's for whatever the reason. So he can't go back into construction, there has to be something else he can do? And sitting in my living room watching tv a majority of the day can't be it.
Being as we just bought a house, we have very little saving leftover to help him. And my BIL is still in transition with their house. And even though it's been unsaid, I don't think living with them is an option due to spacing and financials too. Is there something out there I am missing? I feel like now that he openly declared wanting to stay, that anything opposite would come off like kicking him out. Help, am I stuck?