"Admit defeat and grant the victory to others." My therapist tells me that's a Buddhist saying.
People just naturally want to "win" interactions, but that doesn't work out too well when dealing with dementia. After disagreeing a few times, come to your senses and say, "Now that I think about it, you ARE right. There were three children yelling in the kitchen. I gave them cookies and they left."
One of the biggest needs of a person with dementia is to feel safe. Not feeling safe causes anger and paranoia. I tell my husband that I will keep him safe, and that I will always take care of him. Sometimes that helps.
I just read every single comment. Thank you so much, everyone! Loads of good ideas, truths, and loving ways to do things. I may even print this out...and I guess I'm not a "newbie" as I've been doing this for a bit over 4 years with my now 84 year old mom, but often I do feel like a newbie, that's for sure! Again, thank you all for taking the time to write all of these wonderful tips based on your experiences! Blessings, Janet
Lot's of great tips here: Here are some of mine... Take notes, when you go to the doctor you can go over some of the things you noticed or even if you feel it's okay or normal -- the doctor may notice something and adjust the medications or look at the situation differently and help. This is especially necessary when someone has dementia, incontinent, and very high level of pain threshold. So yeah, pay attention to the face, my mom will very rarely complain of pain, but when I see her PAIN face, I let the doctor know and he even says that as peple age they may not react to pain so this is VERY important. Ask if they need to be changed, my mom will watch her TV shows and will wait and so forgets that she needs changing. Every couple of hours is good or every time you've been to the restroom for yourself and she hasn't been changed. Good time to ask. Sometimes she gets mad, but when I have her freshened up, I'll ask doesn't that feel better? She'll smile and say yes.
Each day is a new day. Expect the unexpected. Be willing to think of new things to help with him walking, eating, what if he falls what do I do, showering, etc. There is a lot of healthcare devices to help care for your loved one. A transfer belt is a necessity. Pads (washable) on the bed to catch incontinences so you do not have to change the whole bed. Take care of yourself, your health is very important so that you can care for your loved one. If possible get out to shop, spend some time for yourself.
I say exercise. If I make time for me to exercise I feel so much better and my stress level is so much lower. When my mom moved in I joined a Zumba class, then a weight lifting circuit, then BudaKhi and now kettle bells. I long distant walk when weather permits and stationery bike when I can't get outside. When my doctor asked how I fit all that in ... I said I figured I would take care of me so I can take care of mom and my husband. My husband watches mom when's I go to class and I take care of them both when I am home. It sounds self centered, but I need to be strong for them and for myself. I don't watch TV so this is my way to cope.
Buy a pill machine to dispense their medication. I used Med-ready for my mother. They cost about $150 and hold 28 doses. So if they need meds twice a day you can set it and forget about it for 14 days. It will beep until they push it open and shut it off. Just always make sure when you close it and lock it that you have the door closed and the tab pushed all the way back or it won't shut off. It allowed me to keep my mom in her home until she was 90! And she would be taking the right meds at the right time. It is a lifesaver. You can rent them for about 30 dollars a month or buy them.
Cherish the moments you have with them. Someday you'll do anything to hear them repeat that question or story you've heard a million times before again.
Diagnose and treat low bone density (osteopenia/osteoporosis) ideally before the fracture, but after the fracture is better than never. And keep people moving and weight bearing if it is at all possible - sitting and doing nothing INCREASES aches and pains big time.
I learned not to stress over the irrational stuff my mom said or did because I found her mind could be reset on a dime. When she refused to eat just to be stubborn, I'd take her plate away, return with same plate a few minutes later as if I was giving it to her for the first time - "its dinner time, mom!" - and she would eat. I found I could do the same resetting for most situation successfully without fighting or arguing with her. I taught everyone who helps care for her the same lesson and it has really helped all of us.
Hugs and kisses and doting on your loved one does wonders when they're being irrational or stubborn for their own good. Sometimes I just hold my mom's hand and I say I love you and responds positively.
Always be on the lookout for the possible side effects of medications your loved one is taking. On so many occasions I was the one having to deal with the adverse affects of anxiety meds. Just because the doctor prescribes the meds doesn't mean it's the right one for your loved one.
Love your comment Midkid. When I got stuck in the caregiver role I drove myself nuts about the dirty house, old beat up coach, appliances from the 70s, (Why replace it. It works fine!). I have managed to get some stuff done like carpet cleaning and a new recliner for Dad but I've decided if they're ok with nasty old stuff why should I give a sh......!
My tip for today:
Fibbing and Oscar caliber acting.
My Dad has dementia. He's stuck around 1970. Everything is fine. Just got that couch the other day. (1969). They have money but dad is still on a 1960 budget when he made about $4 per hour. So I have learned to construct little one act plays to get basic stuff done. Dad will always bite if he smells a great deal.
HEY DAD, THIS OLD FRIEND OF MINE DOES CARPET CLEANING. HE WANTS TO STOP BY AND USE UP THE REST OF HIS TANK FROM ANOTHER JOB. HE'LL BE HERE AT 2. NO CHARGE?
Worked like a charm. I had clued the guy in and he played along perfectly. Even fooled mom and she's still pretty sharp.
Notice that I don't ask him for permission, just set it up and present it as FREE STUFF. A similar bit of theater got him to a podiatrist, a new recliner (Buy one get one free deal. This was actually true. I put the free one in the spare room for me when I visit so I can have an adult beverage without getting the evil eye)
I hear folks say, OH I HATE TO LIE TO MOM........Gotta get over that if you're dealing with dementia.
When my Mom was still living with us, to remind her when we had to leave for an appointment, I used a plastic teaching clock that I ordered from Walmart. It worked like a charm, and I could easily reset it for each new appointment. It helped save my sanity, and she was able to handle getting ready "on time" by herself.
Accept the "new norm" whatever that may be. Quit trying to make your loved one's home as clean as you'd like it to be, or throw out stuff that is making YOU crazy, it's THEIR junk. Oh, I mean, important treasures. Mother keeps a purple plastic garbage can won at BINGO next to her priceless Lladro statue. Drives me bats, but she doesn't even see it. However---if I moved it!! Accept what you cannot change! (But do keep pathways clear from tripping/falling obstacles--even if it means newspapers are piled 4' high on the side of the hall! Keep a sense of humor. And, chocolate. For you, not them.
# __? Trying to keep a dementia patient happy is exhausting and futile. Remembering that statement has kept me sane when my mother is being extremely difficult.
Read The 36 Hour Day. Also use Poise pads #6 inside diaper to help keep the person you are taking care of for overnight protection. You can also use #4 during the day. Don't peel back the paper all the way just enough to hold in place. You can remove them & then replace rather than having to replace the entire diaper.
Shower daily-if you can't-use that as a sign you are not taking the best care of yourself. Something down the line will suffer when you are not your best.
Be kinder than you feel. Force a smile they can see on you. Remember what happened just before they said they want you out then go put your arms around them & say i am here & love you & will not leave you. When they hide something in their world, they are putting it where they think it belongs. These are a few things ive learned from Alz web Reading Rm. Read Understanding the Dementia Experience, & creating Moments of Joy. Never try to teach them as in their world their brain has shut down the learn part unlike our world. Always agree even tho they are wrong in 1 min they wont remember & neither of you will be frustrated. I should have learned that 62 yrs ago when we married. God bless us all & be our guide thru these times.
The most useful advice I got early on was "don't disagree; instead distract". I so wanted to continue having reasonable and logical discussions. But when her real life for that moment is taking place in her childhood home, it just works better to either play along and try to be there with her and ask her questions about it OR do or say something that redirects her attention to something that's current in YOUR real world life together.
Remember that they won't remember what you did or what you said, but they DO remember how you made them feel, and that colors their cooperation. It PAYS to develop patience and compassion in the face of the most frustrating of circumstances!
#77- Take a hard look at yourself: are your papers in order (will, DPOA, end-of-life, Trust)? Have an honest talk with your family or executor about your wishes /plans. Review these records every few years so they remain current.
People just naturally want to "win" interactions, but that doesn't work out too well when dealing with dementia. After disagreeing a few times, come to your senses and say, "Now that I think about it, you ARE right. There were three children yelling in the kitchen. I gave them cookies and they left."
Our elders have so few victories.
Take notes, when you go to the doctor you can go over some of the things you noticed or even if you feel it's okay or normal -- the doctor may notice something and adjust the medications or look at the situation differently and help. This is especially necessary when someone has dementia, incontinent, and very high level of pain threshold. So yeah, pay attention to the face, my mom will very rarely complain of pain, but when I see her PAIN face, I let the doctor know and he even says that as peple age they may not react to pain so this is VERY important. Ask if they need to be changed, my mom will watch her TV shows and will wait and so forgets that she needs changing. Every couple of hours is good or every time you've been to the restroom for yourself and she hasn't been changed. Good time to ask. Sometimes she gets mad, but when I have her freshened up, I'll ask doesn't that feel better? She'll smile and say yes.
My tip for today:
Fibbing and Oscar caliber acting.
My Dad has dementia. He's stuck around 1970. Everything is fine. Just got that couch the other day. (1969). They have money but dad is still on a 1960 budget when he made about $4 per hour. So I have learned to construct little one act plays to get basic stuff done. Dad will always bite if he smells a great deal.
HEY DAD, THIS OLD FRIEND OF MINE DOES CARPET CLEANING. HE WANTS TO STOP BY AND USE UP THE REST OF HIS TANK FROM ANOTHER JOB. HE'LL BE HERE AT 2. NO CHARGE?
Worked like a charm. I had clued the guy in and he played along perfectly. Even fooled mom and she's still pretty sharp.
Notice that I don't ask him for permission, just set it up and present it as FREE STUFF. A similar bit of theater got him to a podiatrist, a new recliner (Buy one get one free deal. This was actually true. I put the free one in the spare room for me when I visit so I can have an adult beverage without getting the evil eye)
I hear folks say, OH I HATE TO LIE TO MOM........Gotta get over that if you're dealing with dementia.
(see what I did there?)