Why so many complain of lack of sibling help.

I guess there are all levels of dis function. When my parents began to need help my sibs and I were in our 50's, 2 boys and 2 girls. I am single with no kids so I chose to step up and help with bills and sorting out their finances. Elder sister lives in the next state, 2 younger brothers live locally and one had worked with my dad for 40 years.

Over the next few years it became obvious that they were willing to sit back and let me do most of the work. I am an organizer, that is my strength. I also decided that I would rather keep a positive relationship with my sibs rather than resent them for not helping or sometimes even visiting our parents. I did not hesitate to ask them for help if I needed it but I also knew not to expect a lot. I also figure that if this is the example they are setting for their own children then they will have only themselves to blame in 20-30 years.

Sounds like your family is opting to "solve" this on an emotional level rather than a logical one. I have dealt with this as well and all of the "If you just do it my way it will all work out" and "God will reward you one day (but only if I keep helping??), and "You will devastate her if you dump her in a nursing home", and "We all trusted you" (actually, you dumped her on me) and on and on and on with pulling the heart strings. What they didn't know is that I'd been taught never to let feelings hide the truth. I agree that feelings/emotions are essential to making well-rounded decisions, but feelings/emotions cannot drive the decision or prevent a decision from being made. I, of course, have now been labeled as cold, non-feeling, in need of psych intervention, and intimidating. In reality, all I did was assess the situation and act upon it. The ducks never lined up and the pieces never fit together, so I sought placement as I was at the end of my rope also. I never stopped fighting for LO (I still am) but I no longer do anything hands on. And none of the onlookers stepped in to take over with the hands on either. Interesting that they were suddenly out of ideas.

Babs,

Oh my gosh! Your SIL is out of the box CRAZY 😜!!!

My older brother does the same thing with scriptures. My younger brother isn’t any better.

It’s insane, absolutely insane to use the Bible to intimidate others.

God’s word should never be used to harm others. God is love, not a ‘big bully’ in the sky.

Good for you that you aren’t falling for your SIL’s crap!

Enjoy your retirement, honey! Let them figure it out. I am not worried about you. You are very smart not to let her dump on you!

Honestly, caregiving is a very job that I truly wouldn’t wish on anyone that doesn’t have help. I did it for a bazillion years and it nearly killed me.

All my Bible thumping brother did was criticize until I blew a rod and it all backfired on him.

Now he and his fourth wife have my mother! He was smart enough to enlist hospice for help. Mom is 95.

I keep in touch with my mom but the relationship with my brothers is sadly over.

I don’t hate my brothers because I don’t hate anyone. I actually don’t feel anything for them anymore, just numbness. I am finally at peace now.

Thanks to a great therapist I did stop trying to have a ‘fairytale’ ending. I went from an idealist to a realist.

You worked hard! You deserve to live in peace.

Take my word for it. You are making the right choice. Caregiving is hard and never gets easier. It only becomes more difficult.

Congrats on dodging a bullet!

I certainly mean no disrespect to those who have been or are a caregiver for loved ones. I did it too.

I am only expressing my feelings about my situation. All situations are different and I appreciate that.

Update,
SIL sent a text explaining , there is no biblical context of retirement, Gods plan for elderly.... and that my DH is spiritual head of household , that I needed to be straightened out ....!!!!!! and that when I married my husband I married the family , so Im obligated to take care of my in laws. My husband’s parents essentially had two generations of children, consequently 3 are retired , SIL husband said we had the right to have worked without having to help give care , his wife deserves the same . I say , I have worked all my life , for my retirement. If we start, my retirement life is gone. As one of the retired brothers wants to keep them in their home till their dying breath...SIL will not need to do care when she retires, 3rd sibling lives out of state ( lucky guy) Her mom is 90. What’s the issue , these 2 siblings are cut from the same cloth , tearing it apart. Both manipulative for their own wants, throw biblical quotes around, my husband gets guilted... standing my ground.. oh since I married the family, well I’ve divorced the family.... oh , yes, in laws can afford some in home care. The BIL who wants to keep them in their home, wants inheritance. The home is in trust to high functioning disabled brother...
Babs

Well, no in home care arriving soon , eldest sibling doing his own thing , to heck with siblings input. Part of the 5 year family dysfunctional power plays. As I write this , I am reminding myself that I have washed my hands of all of them.
My daughter has MS and found this weekend she started aggressive chemo in December,and will soon be totally immunocompromised as it continues to wipe out the wbc counts. On top of all this the above brother has convinced my husband covid is not real. There are no covid protocol going on over at parents home. My daughter sent my husband a very nice letter explaining he will need to change those behaviors if he wants to see his grandchildren. Another fight with husband when I tried to explain the brother above needs to get the help phone call , not us ( we live 2 minutes away, brother 10) if it’s more emergent, press the medic alert. DH says he won’t do that. But if DH goes over , and EMS is needed or called , I can’t see or help my daughter for 2 weeks to protect possible exposure. Another fight.

MMason,

We are glad that you found us. I enjoy reading your posts.

I feel sane again after having found this forum. I don’t feel alone struggling to accept that I have been betrayed by my immediate family always. It’s taken me getting older and wiser to see it.

Am very grateful to all of you.

You have received wonderful responses so far.

I have to say, I see tons of people posting saying, “Help! I am an only child with no one else to help.”

I understand their frustration of not having siblings and feeling alone in a stressful situation but the flip side is I am saying to myself, ‘If you had siblings like mine, you would be glad that you are an only child.’

You have no idea how much I wished that I was an only child.

In fact there was a past poster on the forum who was an only child that commented after reading about rotten siblings. He said, “Gee, after reading about these siblings I am glad that I am an only child!”

Not only do they not help. They don’t even want to be a shoulder to lean on.

Also, some parents pit the children against each other. The parents are pot stirrers and it destroys the siblings relationships.

It’s horrific that a parent can do this to their children but trust me it happens all the time.

Oh, and the parents usually don’t own up to it, plus they retell the facts to others in a distorted, out of context way. My mom did this. It hurts. Others believe them, because they are little old ladies. Some dads are just as guilty of this behavior.

Often the truth is parents are just looking for sympathy for themselves. It’s very sad.

I certainly feel your pain! I had many issues with my siblings.

I so wanted a healthy, loving relationship with all of the members of my family.

We can’t pick our family. We can’t control their behavior but we can choose our reaction.

I don’t wish any harm to anyone in my family but I wouldn’t say that we are close and we never will be.

I was very close to my dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I am grateful for that.

At one time I was close to my mom. Continual caregiving with complicated issues from siblings and mom favoring them as her precious sons put a huge strain on our relationship.

I am relieved to no longer be mom’s caregiver. We have limited contact.

Firstly, if you like to read.. I have two things that may help you.

Boundaries. Have you read it? Yes? Follow that advice when dealing with the SIL, the mission creep, the guilt, the expectations.
If not, get a copy ASAP.

There is a forum thread titled 'I'm so disheartened & angry'. It is the length of a novel!!! About a DIL's struggle to get out of the servitude her Husband's family keep trying for. I found this so inspiring.

My other advice is to stay a team with your DH.

When his family start the pressure tactics you will be a stronger team together. Where does he stand on it? Sometimes a little light uncovers a bit of old-fashioned 'the womenfolk can do the care stuff' thinking in even the most liberated men. Or sometimes those old apron strings are made of thick rope. Or they have been taught never to say NO to Mamma.

My DH has 2 sisters who weild wands of guilt to get their OWN way, disguising requests as 'Mother wants'.

Get to to know the players & tactics. There is a team here for you 💪💪.

I have read so many times here how , siblings don’t pitch in. She retires next year , has a cottage... guarantee she won’t give up her cottage time to help....
this family has been dis functional a long time, recent nasty email to my husband about me , was he needed to straighten me out, because I married him , I married the family... I want a divorce then.....😳

Yes. We tell people who we are. If we say whether explicitly or by action that we are the problem solvers and the caregivers, then they will take our word for it. They will allow us to do it. They will tell us it was our own choice. There will be little thanks for it, because, after all, it's what we do, right? I remember when I told my Mom I would go for training as an RN. I already had two children. She told me "Good, because then you will stop trying to take care of everyone else, and stop picking the sickest kitten in the litters. You will get paid for what you are driven to do anyway." She was so correct. It was a wonderful career, and I loved it, but I stopped picking the sickest boyfriends in the gang, and I stopped picking the sickest kitten in the litter.
It is ever the same and always was; once the caregiver wears him or herself completely down to nothing, and sits weeping, the rest will say "But it was your own choice.".
When the time came for 24/7 care I had long known my limitations. I would be counted in that gaggle of siblings who didn't take it on, who knew I wasn't up to it at all. I could do it for 8 hours, maybe the rare double shift; but that was it. I had to see a shrink to learn not to take on the woes of the world. I had to learn to tell my daughter she had to flea treat her cat herself; I couldn't come that day. When you first start to say "no. sorry but no", wow, do those who depended upon you ever get mad. They DO adjust, however.
Welcome to the forum. You will have lots to contribute to others. (hee hee; sometimes there's just nothing for it but a laugh. More often, even that doesn't help).