Last year, my mom purchased a house, of course, the transaction having been done through my sister, POA. My sister added her own name to deed and had it set up so that she and she alone would have rights to the house, and saw nothing wrong with this. My mom did not understand, and when she did, she was furious and had my name added.
Now my sister is caring for mom in that home, and with other caregivers helping as well. My sister will be returning to her job as a teacher soon, and told me that she and the students would NOT be wearing masks, and that there would be protocols to keep everyone safe, including some plexiglass partitions.
I anonymously emailed the school's designated expert on covid protocols, and she tried to get me to identify my sister, which I did not, as I wasn't attempting to get my sister into hot water, but this staff rep. told me that she didn't know where I got the idea that they wouldn't be wearing masks.
When I talked to my sister she was furious that I had contacted her school, and claimed that she NEVER told me that they wouldn't be wearing masks! We exchanged some choice words and texts and I told her I just can't talk to her when she has this attitude, and that I can't deal with deception--not now, and not when it happened last year.
So now it's bad because in order to see my mother, I am forced to see her, now that she lives with Mom. And I will definitely wear a mask in the house now.
I did say some things to her that were a bit harsh, though accurate. But the fact that she goes off when she is called on a lie never fails to amaze me! And I don't want my poor Mom to get caught up on this--I told my sister that this is all about safety--in light of everything, with my sister giving personal care, and Mom being elderly, I think she needs to teach online. My sister told me that her school (private) is not making this an option; not sure if I believe her, but if I make the fatal mistake of asking questions, it looks like I am the villain.
Since this has transpired, I have sent a short message to my sister to let me know when she will be having her first day with the students. Depending on the situation and safety issues, I will visit Mom, and I will try to do so when my sister is gone for the day. My husband hasn't seen Mom for awhile, and she is very fond of him. Again, he isn't too keen on my sister, either, and this situation has made it hard for him to see Mom also.
Any suggestions on how to handle my beast of a sister (who by the way is very "Christian" but has a hard time walking the walk)
Just an aside - I actually don't think it was wrong to inquire about the policy on masks - I just think you should have kept that info to yourself - I have been in a position of being lied to from family members about taking my mom to appointments when they actually didn't -so
It sounds as if you want to keep this fight going with your sister- Otherwise you would not have told her that you emailed her school (of course she was going to be upset) you could have kept that info to yourself. How did mom find out sister was the only one on title- Did you tell her? I'm not saying Mom shouldn't know that but you don't say how she found out -
Also - some things that you mention 'for safety' are out of your sister's control - if the students are not of age or whatever and not wearing masks that is a school policy not your sister's rule. She should teach online? Is that up to her either?- Online teaching is an entirely different job than classroom - and really not your business to say - Does she tell you what job you should have and how you should do it etc, You sound like you are provoking her by asking what the first day of school is- you can easily look that up on the school website -
You did admit to saying harsh things to her - but 'accurate' and mention that your husband isn't keen on your sister either - -why do we need to know that? you keep defending what you do out of accuracy or safety etc. so it doesn't sound at all sorry for the effect your words and actions have on your relationship with your sister.
I have brothers and don't know what sister rivalry is like but this sounds like it is at the core of your problem with her -you also call her a beast. Every story has at least two sides - your version of things is so biased that it just sounds like you want unconditional support and not really help solving the problem between you two.
1) mom is not easy to take care of, both physically and mentally.
2) mom is not happy with any caregiving solution other than living with your sister and having non full-time care come in to assist
3) you live several hours away
4) due to health issues and medical bills, you will need to be seeking work, which will make you less available going forward
5) your sister has a full time job and is trying to cope taking care of mom and getting herself ready to return to the workplace.
6) you have some resentment about the house your mom purchased and your name wasn't put on the deed (it's the first thing you mention in your post, and it's really not germane to the rest of the problem you posted).
I hope I don't sound harsh. You need to lay off your sister. Even the way you write this situation and your profile, you sort of give your sis left-handed compliments. Listen, I get it, I care for my mom and she's vulnerable to the virus as well. She has CHF and if she gets covid, she will likely not survive. But we still need to go out into the world - work, errands, doctor appointments, etc. Not sure where you live, if you're in an area that is on the upswing with virus numbers, it's scary. We went through it here in NY. But, and I'm sorry, you were dead wrong to call your sister's school. If I were your sister, I would be angry too.
Unless you're willing to take on the role your sister is doing, move in with mom/have her move in with you, and refuse to leave the house for any reason, you're going to run a certain risk of exposure.
As far as the masks are concerned at the school - maybe your sister misunderstood what the new school policy would be going forward. Maybe she just hates wearing a mask, I don't know. But I have no doubt that if the school policy is going to be masks (and I haven't seen anything anywhere about any school saying masks are going to be voluntary) and your sister doesn't wear one, she'll hear about it from school administration, and she'll be required to.
I think you might owe your sister an apology. I am saying this as the primary caregiver of my mom. If one of my sister's pulled what you pulled, calling my job, etc. I would be beyond pissed off.
Good luck, I sincerely hope you can resolve this issue with your sister, and that it won't mar your relationship going forward.
Do not show weakness.
Do not tell them everything you know.
Limit contact.
As far as it concerns you, be at peace with all men (and sisters).
Not saying that your sister is a narcissist.
I hope that her school moves to allow online classes, as many have. It's harder when it's something we can't control and are worried about a loved one. It is probably already weighing on your sister, knowing the heightened risks and not able to do anything to change the teaching situation.
This is just my two cents, but since you both have a precious shared concern (your mom), I would try as much as possible to keep peace with her and show the example of the patience and kindness you'd actually like to see from her. People "give up" their lives to move in and care for an elderly relative. The child who does often feels the loss of their independence, and can feel resentful of their siblings or unappreciated for what they see as "sacrifice" and "hard work." So, if she begins to sense that you care for her health too, and that you are not looking for ways to be critical (we caregivers can be so hyper-sensitive to criticism or even perceived criticism) and that you appreciate her care for your mom and will do what you might to lighten the load, she may begin to soften, making it easier to interact with her whenever it's truly needed.