The situation:
1) Only grandchild (GC) moved from one US coast to the other to take care of 86 year old MIL with for only son/husband/father who is out of state.
2) MIL forces GC out with nasty dementia behavior issues and doesn't want GC in house.
3) We move GC into GC's own place but GC is still local.

The problem was MIL still needed care and family is the only option.

Our solution:
Boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries.

How we made it work:
1) To make the boundaries feasible, we turned the whole situation into a caregiver and client contract.
2) We literally made a contract where GC treats MIL like a client and not a relative.
3) Hours, services, information, and respect are all based on the premise that GC is a "paid" caregiver. If GC wouldn't do "whatever" for a non relative client, GC isn't required to provide it to MIL. No matter what MIL asks for, GC can and does say no if GC hasn't cleared it with us.
4) MIL still doesn't like it (she hasn't respected boundaries for the past few years) but we know she is getting care without the drama and gossiping that was prevalent before.

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Why is "family the only option"? I don't mean to be a brat, I just have been a family carer for many years of my life and realize the drudgery it does become, and is this you Only Granddaughters true choice in life, to have to move across the country to be the overseer/carer for her Grandmother? It' would be so much nicer if we can just Love on our elders, but unfortunately not realistic, lol! Just Kidding!

After years on this forum, there is almost Always a choice, I believe there are Government Senior (Aging) Care Agencies every County here in the US, where Seniors can be evacuated for the multitude of services available to fit their needs. Recommendations and assistance for everything from housing, transportation, medical, food delivery (meals on wheels), medical transport and equipment, social activities, Senior Centers, Adult Day Care, financial assistance, Social Workers, and aid in Maximizing their Medicare and Insurance coverage to their advantage, help with obtaining Veterans Benefits, silver sneakers, gym memberships, home Nursing Visits, and especially help in fascilitating and recommending Assisted Living Homes, Nursing Homes, and Memory Care Facilities.

Mainly what I wanted to say is that when Senior Care becomes too much for family members to bear, due to uncooperative parents, severe illness or even your own inability to care for them due to frailties or Disabilities, there are other choices and help out there, IF Senior Caregiving isn't ones true passion/desire or career choice, especially when one must give up thing like their home state, their home, families and careers, which many amongst us have done, but most end up regretting it, and so arranging and accepting outside help is the other option. That whole "FAMILY OBLIGATION" thing, the "PROMISE" we'd Never put "her/him in a Nursing Home, is just not always possible, and Completely Unfair to put upon families!

I hope your Daughter is getting everything she needs in this arrangement, it sounds like she may be under 30, and is probably/may be entering those "highest earning potential" years in life, getting her career established and perhaps wanting to start a family of her own. Having to look out for Grannie may be a huge obligation for her, I'm just looking out for her in this situation.

Your Mom's a pill, as others have said, wait for the next fall or illness to guide you in the right direction for her care needs as the arise, and they will. I wish you luck, Caregiving is hard work!

How was the GC the chosen one for this responsibility? We read many times on this site where GC is given this responsibility, not their own choice. At least GC has own place. The care needs will increase. Is there a caregiver contract in place that makes MIL the employer and GC has taxes, SS, workmen's comp, etc deducted from paycheck? Are there other caregivers that give GC time off as if a regular job?

Sounds like a good solution if GC is taken care of appropriately as well.

Sounds like a good solution to a hard problem. But can I ask if the grandchild CG is paid like a regular job would pay?

Even if they love their Grandma to bits, any young person needs money to live. Does this job have check-ins to ensure it's still working?
I think I would want to add that in to avoid any CG burnout.

Well done! Boundries are the key for all of us being successful in this caregiving role -- you seem to have a good plan in place :)

Excellent! Glad you make it work.

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