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It's almost Christmas Day my father and mother both are in a nursing home 1280 miles from me as they choose not to move closer to their only child. In August as some of you know I went back to care for them and was fired from my employer of 13 years. I was facing back surgery before I got the call from my father finally allowing me passage to them. He wouldn't hand over the keys to the truck so he wouldn't let come help them. Since then I had everything set up help coming in 3 days a week, both had doctors appointments I met with the doctors. Dad agreed at the time to let the nurses aid drive his Explorer until after I left then he wouldn't let her. He wouldn't let the aid drive them to doctors appointments his behavior became abusive to others. Soon he started accusing everyone the nurses aid, and me of stealing from him. He went to the police saying the nurses aid stole my mothers wallet. He went to an attorney had me removed as DPOA AND MOA while they both my mother and father were incompetent and this never should have happened. My mother had several falls the month after I came home to no job. She ended up in the hospital this is where the attorney had her revoke me, I couldn't find out any information about my mother, staff was told not to speak to me. I tracked her down she was placed in a recovery nursing home. Several weeks later my father had a terrible accident that totaled his Explorer, thank God no one else was involved or hurt. He spent several weeks in the hospital were more drama ensued when my fathers sisters showed up. The sisters and the attorney made such a scene they were told they would be escorted from the hospital if they could act like adults. I filed a complaint with the Supreme Court on the attorney that revoked me, waiting for full results. I now have another attorney who is trying to straighten out this terrible mess. New attorney confronted the greedy DPOA revoking attorney and there was a fire storm. None of this needed to happen none of this, now I'm waiting to find out what next. I will need to drive back filing for guardianship over my father he's been pronounce completely incompetent, move them to a locked assisted living facility and close down their house. Move things they want to their new place sell everything else the house included. I don't want to be alone in that house by myself LONE CLOSING DOWN THEIR LIVES. God this is so painful, then I drive back to my home 1280 leaving them waiting on God so to speak. I can't stand this putting my break down on hold what next Really WHAT NEXT! I had 13 years benefits and a retirement plan with the company that fired me I was putting back money so I could take care of myself worked all the time now nothing my life is on hold at a dead stop. I'm so numb, or in unbelievable emotional pain. Medication helps some but I don't have the funds to see the doctors any longer to help me through this grief so I come here. Just feeling so hopeless today thanks for listening if you dare read this post!

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Emjo this is "Take Back Our Power Year in 2014" Blue tights, Tiara's, Tuna Cans, and the like LOL! Watching Time Warner Classic Movies, enjoying total escapism, it's working!
Back at ya, Love and Blessings to All!
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Well, zoo, how thing change - good cop again! Wow a whole $148.73 for your retirement. Way to go.

You do sound better. I am so glad. Hopefully the anxiety will decrease. Breath deep, Say to yourself it is only demented 1 and 2 (I like the lower case). I don't think the killer ants can do anything once the attorney has the power. They can try to raise sh*t, but I would just let them go at one another and stay strictly uninvolved. There is voice mail on your phone for a reason, and the sky doesn't fall in if you don't answer and even if you don't call back later. I am just refusing to involve myself in the crazies. If your dad goes Ape Poo Crazy that is his problem. Don't let him make it yours.

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from Queenisms again:

Drama begets drama. But you can leave the theater. If a ranting negative Nellie is without an audience, her drama will have less power over us.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, here’s another way of saying it. We’re not saying that you should abandon your loved ones or walk away from your friends. We’re saying that when we’ve done everything we can to help a drowning person but that person is more invested in causing drama than in grabbing the lifesaver, then it’s important to get in your own lifeboat and row a safe distance away. You can occasionally sound the horn and let them know that comfort and safety is available if they reach out, but you don’t need to go down in the wake.

Here’s to less drama and more calm seas in 2014.
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and a big AMEN to that!

Jessie how are the house plans coming along?

♥ Love and blessings to all ♥
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mbvargo, Emjo, you guys crack me up thank you all for the chuckles! mbvargo yes moves straight to the Gold Tiara no doubt! Ok new day decided to take all the fabulous coins my mother bought from TV commercials, Publishers Clearing House, and God know's where else to the coin, exchange dealer down the street! OMG, bless my mothers demented little heart I knew it was bad but Oh Lord. She paid 80.00 for coins worth 2 dollar, .25 there was one for 18.00 dollar LOL. Mother said they were for my retirement (((((( I'm still laughing))))))) Oh man it was horrible so for maybe 1500.00 spent I got 148.73 for my retirement Damn Happy about THAT, So proud I come from financial Wizards .... Still laughing!!! I told mother for years I think you may need some help mother with the finances, you would have told I drowned the cat she got so upset! I am taking your advise mbvargo boundaries to imperious drama at least I hope so. I signed the paperwork today handing over guardianship of demented 1 and demented 2 over to the attorney, Hot Dog now I'm going to be GOOD COP! Really that attorney won't let you do What, awhhhhhh! I just hope Crazy Killer Fire Ants don't come out of their mound, along with bad attorney Cruella de Vil for another go round!!!!!

Really do feel better, yet I'm still wading through the muck of the clean up for my folks their, house, and my dad is going to go Ape Poo Crazy once he figures out if he figures out he's lost his rights! But that's just how it is and who knows what the morrow will bring? Damn I go straight into panic attack mode lately at first sign of day light upon awakening after a restless nights sleep, sounds so sad, LOL, my heart mound like Ricky Ricardo's BaBaLouuuu! I like the idea for a screen play this may be the ticket! Chow....... Keep the crazy talk coming some forums you just got to laugh, Thanks again guys for the chuckles!
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Funny Zoo, I was thinking about a tiara too when I wrote - gold or diamonds - what do you think?

Your family is screwed - MAJOR screwed, Zoo, How did you ever come out of that mess???

Give yourself a break once in a while - just put your mind onto something else. Like Eddie used to say "Kick them out of your head, they aren't paying rent" - or something like that. Glad you have a good attorney, BIG help.

twisted sisters and killer ants - love it., You have a great imagination!!! Can just see them running around like ants... I have no idea what they are up to. I have stopped trying to figure out the crazies. It only makes me crazy. Yes it is ridiculous - can you imagine a staging it? Would make a great play, especially if you could keep a funny slant on everything.

You will survive it - you are a warrior princess. Tiara's it is -maybe we start with silver and graduate to gold and diamonds.

If there is an inheritance, I would catch a cruise to the Caribbean and enjoy the sights and the sun/ Heck - lots more fun than EST!

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you too, and do something good for you today! You are some survivor!!!

mbvargo I LOVE the image of the moat. I have had that and the alligators, and a drawbridge, but you have taken it so much farther. Amazing ... piranas barbed wire, anti aircraft missiles, bright lights and friends. Now that can't be topped!. The imagination is a wonderful thing. You have developed some great survival tools. I think you go straight to a gold tiara!

One of my strategies is to imagine a brick wall between me and mother. | even planted climbing roses on it. Nice to look at and they have thorns.

We need to find a place of safety in ourselves. Those of us with a crazy childhood has anything but safety in our families and homes, It was a scary place at times, and just plain unpleasant at the best.

We are tributes to the survival instinct - wonder women, warrior princesses and queens, the walking wounded - limping sometimes, but always moving forward.

a few more queenisms

When we say no to the many, many requests that clamor for our attention and time, we are saying yes to the things that are stuck in our hearts. What’s in your heart just waiting for the space in your life?

She vowed to get her swagger back and decided from this moment on, she would not be invisible.

She desperately needed to detox from people pleasing and her most important tool would be the word “No” spoken with love.

She wanted other people to treat her with kindness, love and respect. So she decided to treat herself that way to show them how to do it.

I am honoured to know every one of you. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))) and blessings
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Man.. you should consider that money water under the bridge at this point and RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION. FAST. Change your name and phone number. I just took satan back to her lair. I am doing the happy feet dance. yahoo. Here is my strategy, I thought of it when I was about 12. Get some giant 60 foot high boundaries impervious to ridicule, drama or pity. Surround with a moat about 60 feet across and 100 feet deep. Fill it with alligators and piranha. On top of the boundary put barbed wire and anti aircraft missiles. Put on your tiara, tuna cans and tights. Get some really bright lights to shine on the crazies. Top the boundary with ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS. Now dare the crazies to come aboard. It works like a charm. Killer Ant ran away because she realized she was going to have to take crazy to buy a car right? Evil attorney might also be on the hook for springing them loose and getting them a car.. he might just run also. No one wants the crazies in THEIR hair right? People are always stepping up to tell me how to deal with my mother hahahaha then they RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM HER......
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Emjo, so funny, thanks for the visual blue tights, tuna cans and magic brackets LOL. I'm thinking maybe we should add a tiara in the mix LOL. Yep what a day, sorry for your day at the beach nightmare. So sick of the drama, fathers sister sent good attorney an email this afternoon now stating that she is relinquishing the DPOA,that she realizes she could appoint a guardian with the power she processes but won't. She also added she knows that good attorney is working for me so she (the twisted evil sister) can't talk to her, ( what does that mean or matter if the twisted sister isn't up to something else devious). Twisted sister said she's giving up DPOA effective immediately, hummmm. So good attorney is filing for guardianship and conservatorship to get them moved as twisted caring sister has left my parents sitting alone in the nursing home as she's deserted them. I can't stand my family right now, how pitiable! I'm sick of waking up to another day of what the Hell now!

But your right Emjo this Warrior Princess is going to keep getting up and moving forward! Thank God and I hope and pray the Killer Ants (the twisted sisters) are out of the picture for good!

It would appear that the Killer Ants thought they were all getting 33% each of the will maybe they are not sure no one knows now. Killer Ant was asked to get good attorney a copy of the will, that's when good attorney got the email stating I Killer Ant one am no longer DPOA take my name off the paperwork, what is going on! Seems Killer Ant wanted more control as DPOA yet something made her change her mind and want to walk away, not sure what's going on. Good attorney will call evil attorney for paperwork Killer Ant one is referring too as new will written where I was ousted, after guardianship is filed to see what is going on.

Any thoughts as to what the flyin phannie could the Killer Ants be up too! LOL this is really starting to get ridiculous!
I've decided if there is an inheritance left for me I will take my break down off hold and check myself into the Adult Children's Caregiver Recovery Unit for treatment and electric shock therapy to jump start my life again, if I survive this!
Big ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) back to you too EMJO ALL OF YOU! Find the humor in the insanity it helps!
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Zoo, believe me I know. I am in the middle of a sh*t storm too. As far as I am concerned, the money has to be the last consideration and our own survival the first. I am livid today too, on several accounts. It must be going around. But we will surmount this too. Put on the magic bracelets, the tuna cans and the blue tights. Blue nail polish helps too - very empowering. lol To add to it, it is minus 24F here and my chest gets sore just sticking my face outside the door to get the mail. I am soooo p*ssssed offff. I may record my mother's voice mails - 8 so far today, and share them with the mental health nurse. Competent????? You bet! NOT!!!! Just have to figure out how to record them. Probably my computer would pick up voicemail. Never one phone call - always at least 3 and up to 9 a day.

I hear you. I am sick of the insanity - and feel like smashing something.
My best girlfriend - knew her over 45 years died in a car crash just before Christmas - doesn't help.

You and I will get through this.

Saw this on face book from a page called "Queen of Your Own Life". There are some writings called Queenisms -

example -

“There had been friends and family who had caused her a world of anger and hate. She decided it was time to take back her power by using this simple action and phrase, “As I breathe in calm and breathe out anger, I set myself free from other people’s toxic drama. She was most definitely Queen of her own life.”

Here is another one

Life had indeed smacked her around a bit but she didn’t need to wallow in it anymore. She made the choice to stop being and feeling like a victim and to call herself what she was, a brave survivor. So sayeth the warrior Queen.

From one warrior Queen to another - we may be bruised and down a bit, but we will rise again. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Oh Ms. Emjo, what a difference a day makes! Funny you should speak of disinheritance. I think the bad attorney got to my aunt she is now being adversarial to good new attorney wanting a more controlling roll as POA now that she knows (the aunt) that dad drew up a new will and she's getting money! I've lost that Loving Feeling again! Back to livid, my dad doesn't remember signing any of this and he was deemed incompetent during the time this was done how can this be. Now I have to file for guardianship and conservatorship as the good attorney said the aunt is unwilling to work with her on selling the house or paying me to come help. I'm just livid, heartbroken and sick of the insanity, greed. Just when I thought is was going to be a better day! Crap didn't expect it this soon.
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mbvargo - I know the feeling. Mother has one foot in sanity and one on a banana peel and is sliding slowly down. She is very strong, but not strong enough to halt the slide and she won't take the meds for the paranoia. In some ways it is a waiting game, till it gets worse, but at the same time you have to protect yourself as they can be pretty destructive along the way. Interesting what you said about her not going to liking the consequences. That is very close to what mother's case manager said to me if/when mother gets worse and has to be placed elsewhere "she is not going to like it." ((((((hugs))))) to you - another KAG for sure,
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Awesome, Zoo, just awesome!!! You can't fail with that attitude. Sure, it isn't easy going back and facing them, it isn't easy dealing with the memories and PTSD. In my most recent counselling session, I finally told the therapist something I had never told anyone. It has taken me a long time to get that out, about 60 years, t a burden shared is a burden halved. BUT, it is a whole lot better than living under their control. It means YOU have a life, of your own choosing, your own making. Is it perfect? NO, but it is yours.

I am so glad you realise it won't be easy. That is being realistic, But you also have tools to get through it, and you will, and feel good about it, Be sure to look after yourself as it will be hard on you emotionally and probably physically.

Oh my word, you are the good cop! That's awesome. I remember one summer when mother took a down turn. Between my sis, my daughter and I we took turns being Curly, Mo, and Larry. One was the golden girl, one was the black sheep and one was ignored. It switched almost weekly. I was disinherited that summer, my daughter was the golden girl at one point and most of mother's inheritance went to her children - my grandkids - against my daughter's wishes, But it changed again and finally settled down that fall.

You are a smart cookie, Zoo. Doing great - definitely worthy of blue tights and tuna cams LOL. Better add some magic bracelets to deflect the toxic bullets.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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zoolife..you are way strong enough to do this! Everything you get done is one more thing behind you. I used the think that everyday past is one less day they could torture people. It's true :) I'm thinking that tuna can picture is getting me through this particular night. She threw at fit at a waitress tonight. heh heh, she is crossing that fine line into crazy more and more.. and at her age she's NOT gonna like the consequences....GOOD LUCK on your trip. My satan is in my house right now. Her neighbors want her out of her house, can't blame them. I'm telling you when you picture the little red horns and the red face and the little picthfork stabbing into my foot, it's pretty powerful, it reduces their might power down to NOTHING. You are on the right path. don't look back and I have plenty of good comebacks for them, just ask.
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Emjo, you crack me up thank you, I'm still laughing the KAG oh my Lord! You know my father revoking me as DPOA, may just work out pretty darn well for me in regards to good cop, bad cop. Since my fathers sister is now is DPOA she will have to be the one who's going to me putting them into assisted living not me, then will be the one moving to file for the attorney to be their guardian, will what do you know about that LOL! You know how that's going to play out, but I'm GOOD COP NOW!!!! LOL

We do need to focus on taking back "Our Power" deleting the preprograming of childhood drama the guilt, shame along with all the rest of the of negative emotions. I'm saying this cause I so need to hear this myself. I've had so many memories come back from childhood abuse, they never seem to go away which I get. However every time I remember it's all in how I process it as how I will heal from the remember revelation, I HAVE A CHANCE TO BE who I want to be! One day if I don't go first, I will never have to be in contact with the people places and things that draw me back to my past abuse once it's over they've pasted. It's true, gut level honest it's true. News flash not many get the Norman Rockwall depiction of childhood, or John boy's fawn memories on Walton's Mountain, on the farm, damn sure wasn't my life! For awhile so I could survive I had to tell myself it was just like that so I could survive my childhood, I lied to myself to survive. As I grew older went to therapy, found out I could face the truth it hurts like hell at times but again it gets better, the process gets better. So today was a bit of a struggle but I made it through another day. I'm a bit anxious because I do know that I will be going back east in another week or so I'm going to finish this. I've got to move through it to get to the other side of me, the new me! I've decided I will hold my head high face all the people my father has slandered me too, some love me and know the truth others don't they've chosen to believe the worst the untruth. But I'm going with dignity, strength and grace, to close up the house get them the items that will bring them comfort.

I will go nuts while I'm there a few times I'm sure, feel like I'm failing or wrong to have gone, collapse from exhaustion, feel negative feelings about everyone! But there is a spiritual gift on the other side of this that awaits me I can feel it! I have to push through what I'm feeling now get to the other side of this with as much kindness, forgiveness, love as I can find for me. I'm looking for me the new me, the me that I will raise up, spend the rest of my days with. Who makes choices from a different self esteem reference then the one I've lived under, because I let them define me! Yep I will be going back to find the gift, in me, that is me! Still hesitating BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS! As usual thanks for listening just had to get that out! I'm good cop now though !!!!! LOL
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Zoo - you are doing well - keep it up. Keep looking after yourself.

Jessie - go for it!!! Of course your mother will fight change however big or small it is. Do it anyway. You will figure it out.

Bermuda - where did your inspiration lead you?

mbvargo - good for you too! That is awesome. Humor sure does help. I have been known to stick my tongue out at my mother when her back was turned. That was years ago, but it helped at the time.

Let's see that 2014 is a good year The "Take back Your Power" year! On another thread with a similar theme, one gal took back her power and her mother is now in assisted living under the care of professionals. Her situation was pretty bad too. Some of you may remember Lisa or survivor2. We called ourselves the KAG - the kick ass girls - a form of wonder women and wore blue tights and tuna cans in the appropriate places, Think we have a few KAG's here too! ((((((hugs))))) to all
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Zoo, you and I were typing at the same time. It sounds like we're both busy trying to loosen the trap clamped on our legs. Good luck getting all sorted out, sister. It sounds like you are on a very good road. Here's a big hug to start you on your way ((((Zoolife)))).
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I'm working through the technicalities now. I think I can pay cash, so I don't have to deal with the mortgage. The house is a short sale, so is going for less than value. I'm having to count pennies to see if I can swing it. I don't want to chew my leg off to get out of this trap I got myself into.

Strange how such simple things can seem like a luxury when we've gone without for too long. Still there is the question of what to do with Mother. She will fight any type of change.
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mbvargo, Thank you so much I needed a good chuckle! So sorry for your troubles but it is good to get that pent up anger out, at least for me it is, you are correct on so many levels. I've been on this site since August of 2013 and I'm so glad I found you guys, this stuff dealing with what we deal with is blooding hell for God sake! I just had dinner and talked with a good friend for several hours actually got out of the house felt somewhat back to human again did me good. I'm so thankful tonight for all of you on the site, your honesty, kindness, willingness to offer assistance, your knowledge. Sharing your experience, strength, hope and humor with me. I'm trying to stay in a good place for the moment it's like that just a moment at a time lately.

I spoke to the good attorney she went buy to see my parents today again, so blessed to have found this attorney and yes it was a God deal how it happened. She knows how to work with my parents, all of us involved. My parents don't know this but I'm having the new attorney file for guardianship over both it's that bad. I told the attorney I don't want it, she will keep me informed we will share the financial responsibility, as I don't want to be the sole person responsible due to previous experience. This is going to be so expensive but there was no way around it, my father is his worse enemy, the threats, attempts to escape, they are finally going to be locked up, sounds horrible, I refuse to feel guilty about this. If my father drove again he could kill someone but he's to out of it to even thing of others only his rights. I vacillate between extremes, having terrible anger, hurt, fear, feeling sorry for them, and compassion. But bottom line they still no nothing of how their choices or lack there of have affected so many lives. The attorney said if I could come up in January that would be helpful otherwise she will work something out, I'm still deciding. I want to forgive and let go, the anger I've felt over my childhood is hurting me over and over again when I hear my father yelling at me or my mother. But I'm getting some information I didn't know about my parents that has helped me understand what the hell happened to me! Again thank each and everyone of you for sharing.

There needs to be recovery group for people dealing this type of dysfunctional parent end of life issues, this might be the beginning. I will tell you one thing, you guys are hero's no matter what you're feeling, you guys rock, all of you!
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Jessie - sounds like you had a good time in that house. You are so right. It does seem pointless to spend so much energy trying to achieve the impossible. My mother will never be happy or even satisfied for long. I really doesn't matter what I, or anyone does. So why sweat it? I am letting calls go to voice mail. Don't need the aggravation. She is in a safe, attractive environment, and cared for even if she doesn't think so - and she wouldn't think so even if she was living in the Ritz Hotel with an entourage looking after her every demand. She would find fault with something. It is her nature. She doesn't want solutions - she wants problems to gripe about. I think it is a terrible shame that people's lives are sucked out of them by people who have problems like mother has. I have had enough of it to last me the rest of my life, and need some peace. Hope you are thinking seriously about that house. I don't have a garden tub - main bathroom is too small - but I had a tub with air jets put in to replace the old one, and I love it!!!
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Thank you so much for this thread, everyone. It has helped me much. This evening I have been wondering why we spend so much energy thinking and worrying about our parents. We should be spending most of that energy living our own lives.

Tonight my mother got upset with me because she was writing a check for the church and I told her she had already given the offering. She voided the check and said that she could never do anything to please me. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, though I realize I hadn't. Still I felt bad.

This evening I started looking at houses again in a place I used to live. I found a perfect one. It was in my price range and had everything I needed. My own cabinets, my own big closets, two bath tubs -- one was a garden tub, a huge yard. And it was right around the corner from my old house that has so many good memories. I felt free just thinking of opening those empty cabinets and walking through the uncluttered rooms. It made me happy just to be me in my mind.

So why waste energy worrying about people who are impossible to please? Why not, instead, pursue the things that we need to make our own lives happy? So often we have a very unsatisfactory trade-off. We make our own lives miserable trying to make theirs a little more tolerable (we think). But even then they are not happy. It seems pointless to keep spending so much energy on something that makes everyone miserable.
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mbvargo - I certainly enjoyed your post. It sounds like you have taken back your power without needing to hate your mother. I bet it wasn't easy. Stay strong, stay laughing.
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My mother put me through the emotional ringer most of my life until I finally had enough. I established boudaries and distanced myself to the point where she walks on eggshells when it comes to me. She knows if she says or does the wrong thing to hurt me I will be gone for good. Right now she is still living independently, but relies on me to drive her to medical appointments. I use to do a lot more, but I will no longer be her unpaid servant. There is no mother/daughter relationship. Just an obligation to make sure her medical needs are met. Her other needs will have to be taken care of by hired help or my sister when she can.
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Zoolife!! What a riot mess!! You should write a book. This is getting more and more common. WHY don't these people have any sense?? I am so sorry for you. I also feel the pull of the puppet strings. I have learned to be silent and uninterested. I guess that's the detach part. My mother is such trouble. She is staying here for christmas a few weeks because she is SO LONELY. Cause everyone hates her? hum... wonder why? She tries all this crap and we stonewall her then she DEMANDS to be taken home. 5 hour drive. She has no car or license. We just smile and say ok, good luck honey. She threatens to call the police. Go ahead. She tells me i'm fat, lazy, boring, etc. that whole string of nonsense. Wondering again why she has NO ONE IN HER LIFE???? This morning she tells me with the sly wink wink that she just had a little "talk" with my husband and he agrees that she should move in. Then I could take complete care of her 24/7. yay. If she only could see the truth. My husband would rather impale himself. Crazy old thing. She hates the whole house, my food sucks, she can't eat a thing in the house, she sees bugs and cockroaches and bedbugs, she'll tell anyone who will listen how dirty and mean I am. We can't put music on, the only TV we are allowed to watch is NCIS. Here is her crazieness, if you try and watch something else she will either make a giant spill in that room like a gallon of juice or milk, she will cut herself "accidentally", she will have a coughing fit and worry that she needs to go to the ER, she will need help in the bath, etc. etc. loud loud loud bug bug bug. Attention seeking. She is like an out of control 4 year old, badly behaved, very spoiled and everything in her life is my fault. Sorry to ramble BUT HERES WHAT I MEANT TO SAY : i was stuck under her roof 18 years, I can't get those years back, she was awful. I OWE HER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I take not one thing from her not even a FORK because it's got strings attached. It was horrible. First thing I did was get out of there, moved away, visit maybe once a year just for the sake of the kids. make sure the kids are safe and know she is mentally ill. YOU ARE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THEM. They will find other people to torment BELIEVE ME. As long as they have food and shelter sometimes it's the best you can do. Set aside a time every day, like 30 min to ponder the weirdness of them and possibly the evil of them. THEN DON"T THINK ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. WOW what a weapon, I don't even CARE about these kind of people. I used to use exercise to get them out of my head, anytime I spent time feeling bad or sick or guilty I would have to do one mile on the treadmill. Plus I also have learned to LAUGH AT THE CRAZIES!!!!! Cause they are so RIDICULOUS. My mom spends actual time trying to hurt me. I OWN her house, I pay her taxes,cable, gas and power. She will tell anyone who will listen that she signed the house over to me and I"m trying to sell it and kick her out. It worries me that people will believe her but I DON"T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. LET THEM BE FRIENDS WITH HER. FIVE MINUTES WITH HER AND THEY RUN AWAY SCREAMING AHHHHHH. Don't LET THEM torment you. They have NOTHING else in their lives but to torture you. They FEED off of negative emotions....like I guess... think of them as aliens. Also, let the social workers know that those people are a danger to you. I WILL NOT drive a 10 hour round trip drive cause crazy betty got bored and make up a crisis or isn't getting the attention she deserves. DON"T DO IT. You have yourself to worry about, they will always be nuts don't let them drag you down into their pit of misery. A friend with crazy parents had to deal with the house, she got what she wanted, then donated the rest of contents to a church, they came and cleaned the entire thing out. BUT crazies will spend the rest of their days ASKING for stuff back from the house like bowls and mugs and toilet bowl brushes just so you know. So just say Oh yes next time I'm up there i'll get it. THEN DON"T. I am 50 years old TAKE BACK YOUR POWER is right. They are NOTHING. They can't do a thing to hurt you anymore. DON"T CALL them back till they settle down. JUST DON"T TAKE THIS ABUSE. If anyone knew how they treated us as children we would have been taken away so that "you owe me" guilt is FAKE. Take a nice walk outside, change your phone number. Hire a geriatric care manager if you can afford this service. Call a social worker tell them YOU ARE DONE YOU HAVE HAD IT. and then go take a break. At least two weeks off, just stay in your pajamas, unplug that darn phone. THEY WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TORTURE just fine trust us all on that. If I were dead tomorrow she'd have a new person to torture before the sun went down.
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Emjo, I was on my way to bed something told me to check this site, thank you so glad I listened to that enter voice! Your words have inspired and touched my heart. I will read them again tomorrow, then start working on what I need to do for me God Bless you Emjo, thank you I needed to hear everything you've said tonight!
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Rah Rah for Zoolife as well - Emjo you inspired me too!
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(((((((zoo)))))) - let me tell you that you have NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING to feel guilty about. Your parents are sick and they have imposed their sickness upon you. Part of that sickness is planting guilt buttons in you. They use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you. None of those are coming from a place of love. Realize that the guilt you feel has been imposed upon you and not due to anything you have or have not done. I refuse to have my life wrecked beyond a point. I will just cut them (mum and sis) out altogether. If I - or you - were run over by a bus tomorrow they would survive. You and I deserve a decent life. We have grown up with a huge handicap, but not one that cannot be overcome. You do need to vent to people who understand - and there are people like that here. One of the things that happens in our type of situation is that we have all these negative messages in our heads about ourselves. It comes from having been told them, and also from how we were treated - without respect and used. My Irish gets up after a while and I say No more!!!! It has taken a long time. I am 76 now, and more and more I just do not want to be treated like this. There are so many unhealthy games, Your mother chooses to be pushed around by your dad. Your dad chooses to manipulate. Those offers of money and a car make my red flags go up big time. I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole.You know there are strings attached. Make a pact with yourself to not do anything out of guilt. Come on line here when you feel like doing it and let us convince you not to. You are harming yourself when you do. Take back your power - focus on you and your needs. You and your feelings and your health and your life are every bit as important as theirs and should be more so to you. No one can look after you but you. Other people can look after your parents.
Re pjs all day, I have a wardrobe of nighties and dressing gowns/kimonos cause I am in them so much. If I don't feel like getting dressed - that is fine. They are comfortable. Don't put yourself down about that.
You can't wait till they or anyone else is set to get on with your own life. Forget about them for a couple of days and think only of you. It will take some effort but you can do it. Think of something you want to do for you and start doing it Screw them - pardon my french. I want to see you on here tomorrow morning with a list of things you want for yourself. Believe me they will be fine. Without you to manipulate they will find someone else - their problem. You don't want to go there, then don't go. Trust your guts to know what is good for you. I am praying that God give you the grace to look after yourself. I once found a Christian webpage and "honouring thy father and thy mother" when there was abuse involved. the answer was, supported by scripture, that you are not expected to stay where there is abuse. I got hit on the head with that scripture often, There is another one - equally valid -"Parents, don't provoke your children". "Nuff said.
OK, that's my pep talk for tonight. Rah Rah Rah for Zoolife - we are cheering for you and your new life! (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
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Emjo, Thanks for your response I have PTSD from childhood that set me up for on going problems. I thought about contacting the psychologist I was seeing before I left town dealing with this stuff and work related issues, but it's so expensive. The guilt I feel is tremendous, of which intelligently I know this is not my fault nor can I really fix it. But the unhealed child the one that hears in my heart of hearts that I'm to take care of your mother, " this is your fault we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you" which even the little child in me at this point knows that's a sack of crap there. I'm really in a stuck place I'm not caring for myself, barely eating, won't leave the house unless I have too for food, won't cook, and some day's stay in my pajamas for days on end, YEP I'M DEPRESSED, and yes I take med's. Since it was Christmas I called out of guilt yesterday to check on them, that was even more depressing. Dad get's mother to use money to try and get them out of there. I got to thinking about this dad has told me in the last month if I came up there I could take dad to the dealership to buy his new car and he said he'd get me one too! Good grief, I thanked him but said that wasn't necessary, they don't really have the money to be buying 2 car's, LOL. Then yesterday mother said they wanted to pay one month of my mortgage by can't until they get to the bank. They must have forgotten I can write a check from here, but those words came from my dad via my mother. I'm so starting to see their games, it looks so kind and gracious, but they want me to break them out even though I tell mother you know dad's never driving again and you guys can't live alone any longer. I feel used not loved, I thanked her said don't worry about it they said they wanted to do pay my mortgage this month but first wanted to make sure that wouldn't offend me what is that really! I do need to get back to see my old therapist I've had many awakenings since all of mess with them. The guilt keeps me hooked in, and down feeling like I can't do anything with my life till their life is set. But you think I'd know better by now, and after everyone else how StandAlone, Emjo and many others have gotten the same crap, it's never good enough. Maybe it's being an only child so hard to walk away, but you're right Emjo I see myself letting others take over more and more. I ask the new attorney to be their guardian I don't want too, and not sure I want total conservatorship for financial been burned there once. There damn back those bank tellers and branch manager still treat me with disrespect so I don't even call any longer. If I go back one more time that's it, is what I told mother last night, I mean it that's it. Get them moved into some place told the attorney they will have to pay me like any other employee for going back there. But I really don't want too, that drive is 20 hours, stops included then the mess of that house packing it up God I hate to think about it. Suppose if and when God will give me the Grace, the Grace has been there when I've needed it in the past. And I'm angry damn it I'll just have to work through it here on the board for now as I'm not forking out therapy money when I can gripe whine and complaint here for free! I am pissed about this whole thing tonight comes in waves! Thanks for listening guys, and responding helps I don't feel so alone. And I'm sorry that any of you guys have to deal with difficult parents, wrecks your life. If I knew how to do things differently I would, wish I could walk away, but the guilt, it may be I've done all I can but it will be the guilt. My dad is still so manipulative and mother is still his puppet I see this so clearly now. My God even the their neighbors tell me she has always let him walk over her, sad!
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Zoo - I don't know what to with my mother either.She is 5 hrs drive away in an ALF, I have EPA and am named as agent on her personal directive. She has borderline personality disorder, narcissism and now increasing paranoia along losing her short term memory. But she has been assessed as competent so the PD is not active. The paranoia and BPD are driving her decisions, and she is continually after me to do this and that, which is to solve non existent problems - like sort out about money being stolen, when no money has been stolen and all is accounted for. Due to the BPD she becomes quite nasty and that triggers off PTSD I have from childhood. I am detaching more and more. As she still is competent, she could appoint some one else in my stead, and I wish she would. I think a non-family member can deal with situations that are so emotionally charged better than a family member. She is narcissistic so nothing is ever good enough, no matter what I do, so I am inclined to so less and less. I have spent many $$$s going back and forth and staying in her city, and really don't feel I have accomplished much. It is all about her and she must have her way - no negotiation, She has moved twice in the last 4 years - the grass it always greener on the other side of the fence - and I am not cooperating this time. I think she is better looked after where she is than she would be where she wants to go. I am 76 and the work of moving her is too much, even with hiring people to do most of it - there is still lots to be done and she has alienated people who would have helped her. I am just fading into the background as much as possible, letting phone calls go to voice mail, making the odd inquiry to keep informed about my decision. The people on her ALF are tracking her - she is on their "at risk" list, and the case manager assures me the system will look after her. She has just changed doctors again - for the 7th or so time in 16 years. I don't know who her new doctor is, but until she is declared incompetent there is not much I can or am willing to do, as I get shot down for most of what I do anyway, and my sis just adds fuel to that fire. It is a difficult position to be in. I feel for you. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Thanks Jinx4740, I will, I've kept up with her on this board, breaks my heart, but I just don't know, thank you all for being there!
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Zoolife, "StandingAlone" abandoned her mother to the state so that her mother would be properly cared for. She too has had her economic well being sacrificed to care for ungrateful uncooperative parents. Read some of her posts to get information on this possibility.

Getting guardianship will be hard and expensive. It might turn out that the less you do, the better off they will be.
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Zoolife, you've gone above and beyond at severe detriment to you and your life and happiness. Either move your folks near you or put them in a place where they are and let the state appoint a guardian for them. You've done more than your share. You don't have to give up your life for them. That's my 2 cents.
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Brandywine1949, I a home I've lived in remodeled it myself for the most part, I've been here for about 12 years I really don't want to give up my home pack up my life at this point. I could move back to Virginia which would drive me crazy with worry about what's happening to my home. Picking up and moving I may have to, but I feel resentful that I would have to do this. I don't want to feel this way but I do. My father has slandered my name everywhere and I can't handle his rage. So I'm not sure what will happen at this point. I feel my parents are very selfish, they didn't want to be here with me, they wanted me to give up my life for them. So I don't know what I will do, I'd like to have a life before I die, but I'm beginning to wonder if or how, don't want to live there.
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