What do I do when my Mom favors me over my sister?

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She says mean things to her, which hurts my sister. Then my sister seems mad at me. sister is older and speaks her mind. I am the youngest and kind of quiet. My mom and sister argue and mom says things that are very hurtful.

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This happens in our family. I'm 3yrs older than my only sibling, my sister. I live with our mother. My sister lives out of state. She's divorced with cats, no children. My only child, a son, recently moved out of state. Our small family has never been close. Both parents alcoholics. I think I was dad's favorite but he passed in 1993. Mom's never been the same. It's obvious mom favors my sister and it's really bothering us both. I get the brunt of all mom's anger & displeasure. Obviously because I'm living in her house. She depends on me and I do the best I can to provide for her basic needs. I have my own handicaps and disability which mom belittles. Mom sends checks for birthdays & Christmas. My son gets $50 or $100 for birthday in May and $100 or $200 at Christmas. My sister gets $500 on her birthday in April and mom has sent her $10,000 toward a new car and pays for her flights to visit once or twice per year. At Christmas my sister and I usually get the same amount, usually $500. My birthday is December 30. Mom gives me a $25 Olive Garden gift card, pays for a haircut or to have a manicure or to take me to dinner. No one understands it. I know life's never usually completely fair, but I'm sorry it's beginning to bother me. The daily crap mom dishes out to me is taking its toll. Unfortunately there's not much I can do as I'm on SSD and cannot afford to live on my own or even rent a room somewhere. I'm constantly being harassed by mom for not paying rent but she just doesn't see the value in all I do for her by my living here. It's a never ending battle and I'm at the point of giving up.
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Could you tell them both that? - that you feel bad when they bite chunks off one another, I mean. It might make them call a truce - but I wouldn't count on it lasting, I'm afraid.

It's funny, some people seem to thrive on conflict, others (like you and me!) can't bear it. Perhaps it's a comforting thought that maybe your sister isn't nearly as upset about it, for nearly as long, as you are?!

Gosh, responses to what your sister says about your mother loving you and not her - it depends so much on what you're both like, and what the circumstances are when she comes out with stuff like this. "That's such rubbish!" would only do if you're completely sure it's not true. My older daughter would say "Well that's because I'm so loveable!" - but then my younger daughter would be in on the in-joke that it's all about (and knows I love them both more than anything, even though they're chalk and cheese). You must sometimes get tempted by a testy "well what do you expect ME to do about it?!" - which would be fair enough, but not very reassuring.

I should just tell her, when she brings it up, that you're sick and tired of the way they both talk to each other and you don't want to hear another word about it.

Has anyone pointed out the completely obvious point yet? No, not that I can see… You do know this is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT, don't you?
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Countrymouse, they are just alike as was my mother and her mom. It's just very uncomfortable. I feel bad when they hurt each other. Thank you for listening and answering my question.
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Nancy, thank you for putting it in perspective. You are right I am not the favorite but easier to get along with. I just don't know how to respond when my sister says that mom loves me and not her.
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Unless your sister stays mad at you, to the extent that you really need to clear the air, I should just leave them to it. If either asks your opinion, tell her to leave you out of it - you're not the Peace Corps.

This is interesting, though: your sister "speaks her mind"; your mother "says mean things." Hmm… Six of one, half a dozen of the other?
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Is your mom and sister both alike? Did/does mom 'speak her mind' then like your sister does now? If this has been going on your whole life, then that's the dance they do, one is always yanging at the other and visa versa. You're just easier to get along with, not sure if that qualifies as being moms favorite or not though. If this is a life long thing they've been doing, then not sure how that's going to get fixed except thru LOTS of family therapy. And even then, it's gonna be rough. Good luck.
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If you can talk the whole group into counseling, it might help. Do not attempt to referee their arguments. Let them sort it out and give them both time and space to calm down afterward. Don't take sides, leave the room and stay out of it.
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