I am soooo scared for my dad emotionally and financially. He is with a woman who is manipulating him in every way and he does not see it. He has turned his back to his own family who he has always been close with. He is almost 80years old and I am sooo scared for him and don't know what to do. I can't seem to get him to open his eyes.
Call his attorney and alert him/her to this situation. The attorney can question him when he comes in to make changes to his trust, although he can also just go to another attorney.
Your father is in denial; perhaps he just needs the attention of another woman. So read the threads in the link I posted, make notes and develop a plan of action. But don't try to do it all at one time, and do get the entire family involved.
I still think trying to get background information on her is well worth the effort. Who knows how many times she may have done this before? That's another issue; ask the police how you can tell if she's been married before and how many times. Maybe she's a black widow.
Here are some posts on that topic:
As to your specific situation, does anyone in the family have any authority under a DPOA or POA? Are your father's accounts jointly held with anyone in the family?
Has he executed a Will or Trust? Does he or did he have an estate planning or elder law attorney who have prepared these documents for him?
Has he demonstrated evidence of dementia, or does his behavior seem to be poor judgment as well as possibly the need for female companionship?
Have you contacted the PD to see if they'll help with background information on this woman?
Dad is calmer now, it has been 2 yrs since Mom died (from emphysema) and my stormy relationship with him has improved. I do not spend much time with him at all, and have no interest in socializing with his lady friend. My neighbors tell me all about it when they see Dad and his friend together at the local restaurant (where they eat every single night). Dad and his friend spend almost every day together, and this summer she drove him all the way to Vancouver Island (we live in Manitoba). They visited 3 of my sibs and also visited HER mother, who is 88 and living in care in Vancouver. Dad managed the trip ok, in spite of all us worrying about that, and he really enjoyed his time on Van. Island with my brother and family. Dad paid for everything on this trip, she drove her car.
My brother inadvertently mentioned that he needed someone to house sit over the Christmas vacation, as they will be away. When Dad got home from the trip his lady friend called my brother and said her and Dad would come! My brother could hardly say no (our Dad has never visited my brother before this summer trip). My brother never even had the chance to ask me to house sit, I would have loved to.
Long story short, this lady has taken over my Dad's life pretty much. There has been talk of her selling her house and moving in with Dad. He does not want to end up in a nursing home, and she said she is willing to look after him. We all know that none of us kids are willing/able to take on that role. So maybe it is a blessing in the end. I still do not trust her completely but she is not going away, and Dad is happy with her, and her help. She helps him now with housework, yardwork, attends all his Dr. visits, etc. She has never called me once to talk about Dad, his health or anything else.
My one sis-in-law gave her an email addy, and N (I won't give her full name), has since emailed my sis-in-law a few times. None of my other sibs or in-laws want to give out their email info to N. 4 out of 5 of my sibs just do not trust her, but there is nothing we can do about it at all.
I told my Dad I would be very uncomfortable if someone else was sleeping in my Mom's room. Dad and N had even measured the room to see if N's bed would fit! My sister panicked when we found out about this event, and the possible move-in, and she called my Dad's lawyer. The lawyer wanted to see Dad and N to talk about a written co-habitation agreement, but in the end Dad refused legal advice. We do not know exactly what happened, Dad was upset about who called his lawyer, we somehow smoothed over the situation, and so far N has not moved in. I am sure this will eventually happen, and none of us are too happy about it. What can you do? Dad is still competent, and running most of his affairs, tho he is becoming more forgetful and mixed up. The possibility of her moving in, and his decline, and her being able to run everything really scares us. I hope that if it ever comes to a move on N's part, that Dad will listen to his lawyer, and all his kids, and have a agreement written up.
Will keep you posted on this. It has really been a trial for me, I have had to get counseling over this, but finallly just had to let him go...it was making me crazy!
I wish I could help you. My father and mother were married for 57 years, since they were teenagers. My mom died of emphysema and six weeks later my dad moved a woman into the house,before getting rid of my mother's things. She took everything out of the cupboards and put my mother's things, which had been in that house since 1960, and put them all over the furniture, floor and everywhere else. When I walked in the door of our family home, she was sitting in my mother's chair, smoking a cigarette and acting like the cat who ate the canary. We literally tripped over my mother's shoes to get her dresser out the door, and after pressuring me to get over there to get Mom's things out of there dad tried to make me wait and see if his new wife wanted anything I was taking with me! I took Mom's old dresser, an antique table that had been in my first apartment and in my room most of the years I lived at home, and a few odds and ends that Mom and I shared over the years. I have a small apartment and lots of stairs and I wasn't planning for him to threaten to throw everything out to the Salvation Army, especially since he paid for it all over the years. Of course, the evil new stepmonster kept the good silver and some other items she deemed worthy, opting to tear my mother's good wooden cupboards right off the wall to put up a dishes cabinet she found along the side of the road.
Now Dad is in poor health. After a $200,000 heart valve replacement, he is getting worse, not better. When I offered to come over and help, I was told that the new wife is "afraid" of me because I will "go through her things!" She sent me to the wrong hospital for the surgery, snapped at me at the hospital, ignored me a lot and then tried to block me from being alone with my dad at the nursing home. By the way, she's driving my Mom's prized car! Now she doesn't want me at the house I was raised in, or near my dad. He said, "I need her! I gotta have her!"
Great - this is her 4th marriage and she's lived with other guys. She even dated my uncle (Dad's younger brother), but my uncle wouldn't get rid of my mentally handicapped cousin - or let up on any of the money in his Navy pension. So she broke it off. Mom was still alive at the time, and when I visited her at the nursing home, I asked why my uncle wasn't back with his girlfriend, and her reply was, "She's (Mom called her by name) is a gold digger."
She chose my mother's room to move into - not one of the other 4 bedrooms in the house, which is up the stairs and the farthest from anything in the house. My dad had 2 bad knees when she made this move. He climbed the stairs every night for as long as he could to get to her.
She is 11 years younger than dad and needs a major surgery herself. I was actually offering to help them both, but she wants me nowhere around my dad. He married her six months after she moved in. When I tried to get him to go to dinner with me and my brothers to talk before he married her, he told me he couldn't go to dinner without her!
I'm his only daughter, the youngest in the family and a college graduate with my own business. This woman used him because she gets very little money from Social Security and was able to quit working when she marred him (she was out on Workman's Comp when she moved in.) Now she's going to get my mother's house, car, and anything dad has saved for retirement.
I've never been in any trouble, never married (Dad and Mom didn't like my choice of a partner when I was young so I moved on and never really got asked again), graduated high school early with honors, graduated college, and never ask for anything from Dad and the tramp he married.
Final note - I stopped in on Father's Day and she acted strange because she was going to the grocery store and I showed up. I didn't know she didn't want me over there, but I knew something was up. She had been smoking in the same room with him! It was just weeks after his heart surgery, and he was darned near death when they replaced the valve. He was getting well in the nursing home, but now he's not. I'm not even privy to my dad's condition now.
I don't want to start trouble, but a friend of mine gave me a phone number for an elder abuse organization. I wouldn't even know this was happening if a family friend who is an RN wouldn't have called to ask why I wasn't taking care of my dad - they called her to stay with him during the day while the wife is in the hospital, and planned to put my dad on a buzzer at night. He can't even go to the bathroom by himself he is so weak! He has fallen twice, according to the family friend, who thinks his meds are probably off. Now she won't go there because Dad's wife called up an chewed her out, too.
Also, the new wife talks about punching people, cusses and carries on like no grandma I have ever met, and snaps my dad's head off on a regular basis. He just sits there and takes it because she waits on him, and gives him sex.
It was evident that my mother in law is now showing clear evidence of dementia and short term memory loss, and now, with agreement from the siblings, my husband is now in charge of her affairs with help from an attorney and a court determination for guardianship. Her home is safe, and this person that was taking advantage will be prosecuted. We were fortunate to find the paper trail very early before she lost her home or actually married this guy. She had planned to marry him, and I urged her to consider the fact that she might experience a reduction in her SS benefits if she did so; so glad I said that, because that put the brakes on that plan for her. She listened and began asking him about his ability to support her if they did marry. Unfortunately, she did not have a will in place and now she is no longer competent to draft a will. Her estate may become a costly and messy ordeal if a family squabble ever comes about.
Folks, PLEASE...plan for your accidental death when you are young, and keep reviewing as your life changes and children grow up. Save your family from the legal anguish and a bunch of arguments by clearly making you wishes for burial and the distribution of your personal property and assets KNOWN. Have a will drawn up. It is a gift that keeps on giving...long after you are gone.
I say this from experience. I was 20 when my father died and I was appointed his estate administrator. It took three years to sell the house...and selling was the only option because my dad had a wild hair and left all his insurance to his mom. I lost my home, and I had to sell it to pay my father's final expenses. It was a tough lesson about what happens when there is no will. If you love your family, make a plan now.
More and more women retiring or widowed by that age may have independent means, pensions of their own, and children with the same concerns that a older man's family may have, too. It can be hard to determine who the "golddigger" really is, if there even is one.
Maintaining a relationship of trust and respect with an elder parent and keeping the lines of communication open are the best way to protect your loved ones from a person who would seek to take advantage unfairly.
It is also possible, of course, for one needy person to "take advantage" of another's neediness. Even if it looks one-sided to outsiders (especially outsiders who may be dealing with their own jealousies and fear of losing inheritance), it may be that the benefits are mutual, if not of the same kind.
Or it may be that the new friend really is only in it for the money or the security.
I can tell you this: if the love and caring is real, it can be a huge advantage to the older person to be married to or living with a younger, stronger, more able person. I often wonder how a woman my husband's age could cope with the caregiving situation I am in.
My husband's three daughters are all grateful that he is married to someone who can take great care of him. We have told both his kids and mine that no matter who dies first, when the second one dies the estate will be divided among all of them. But that is mostly of emotional importance. We've also told them there is not likely to be much to divide. A long-term chronic condition such as dementia is very expensive and drains resources faster than a golddigger could.
It is kind of all of you in this situation to try to protect your father from his own foolishness. Also try, please, not to interfere with his hapiness. It can be a fine line to walk! Good luck!
One thing I've seen is that children often have trouble with the new companion and will work at the relationship, trying to unravel it. I don't know why this happens, but it puts the elder parent in a bad place -- does he/she choose his companion or the children. This is unfair, but happens a lot. The main problem most of the time is that children don't want to see their parent with anyone else except the one they grew up with.
Unless there is evidence of use and abuse, I would say let them enjoy each other's company. And if they are spending money, it is theirs to spend. Inheritance does need to be protected, so it doesn't pass to the wrong family. But I don't see any other issues in a normal healthy relationship.
stolen or spent frivolously. If things are OK, make sure that you are not all hot and bothered about money for any reason than your loved one's health and medical and living expenses. If you are worried about an inheritance, get over it. It's just money or stuff and no one gets to take it with them to the next level. When you leave this world, you take nothing. So, before you leave this world, expect nothing and take the time to enjoy your family each day. You never know when it is someone's last day. That makes all the squabbling about money and furniture and stuff meaningless. Just make sure you loved one is not ill and then live with the situation. Yeah, my sibling is stealing my mother's stuff. You know, it's just stuff. I have the really important thing in life: the opportunity to take care of my mom and make her happy and take her to the doctor and brush her hair. That's priceless. My sister is missing out on the love and care for a wonderful parent. That's her loss. You can laugh and share stories with china and a sofa. There!
When my Dad's brother in Virginia became a widower, a woman started paying him attention who claimed to have worked with my uncle. He couldn't remember her but she was about 20 years younger than him. He finally told her he wasn't remarrying again and she amazingly lost interest in a 70ish year old man., hmmm.
My husbands uncle (brother to my mother in law) became a widower and a lady who of course was much younger took an interest in him. She claimed to be a wealthy widow, to throw off the suspicions of being a gold digger. However, she was a golddigger. Don't know how she was "outted" but she was a bum after my husband's uncle's money (he owned an insurance business in Ohio). Uncle refused to marry her and, you guessed it, she lost interest.
So just between my husband and I, you can see how many times this has happened and thankfully, none of these bums were successful in getting what they wanted. Why? Because in each case the elderly person has family telling them over and over what was really going on. Don't stop, if you instincts tell you she is a golddigger, she probably is. Good Luck.