And I have special rules. That I said that lee is going back down to finish up his part on the shower. I guess I said it like oh he is gone again. I was joking because it takes lee months years or decades to finish the projects. I wasn’t complaining I was joking about it and everyone else laughed. But I guess it was said like it’s so much. I have said how grateful I am that I get to take care of my mom it’s not i have to. I talked about how when we cross the state line I get a pit in my stomach and I get anxious. I told them that the tractors in the field are hard. I talked about how much aa has helped me through all of this. I didn’t react i respond if I thought it would make a difference. I was told to be honest with my feelings. But then I am told I am not happy. Then when I am just being me and happy she doesn’t believe me. So I guess I am not communicating how i feel correctly. I broke down because it’s a very sensitive subject. One of my bachelors degree is communications. So didn’t help my self esteems. I guess I don’t know what I am supposed to be since my sponsor doesn’t believe that I am happy. Life is not perfect but this is our new normal and it’s life so we try to live it on life’s terms. So if I am happy that’s wrong and if I am vulnerable and am talking about how I feel that’s wrong. I tore off all my gel nail polish in two hours of talking. When I asked her what am I supposed to do. Make sure that my words mean exactly what I want them to.? Or am I supposed to talk about what is going on. Then she said no I don’t want you to filter what you say. Has anyone gone through this. I have never thought my life would end up this way. I never knew there was a book I needed to read. So when I am just enjoying myself and life I am lying to myself. Well only i have the answer to that thank you for letting me just be me.

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Biggest hugs, Staffbull.

Many of us on this site were “parentified” as children. It leaves us with a life-long propensity to try to fix the un-fixable. We are conditioned to think “it’s all on us” — whether it is or it isn’t.

We also have the lasting damage (or gift?) of constantly being on high-alert for other people’s b.s. Sadly, our response to the b.s. is not always in our own best interest.

Why? Because we stink at setting boundaries. Because our inappropriate role as a child/teen was fueled by a lack of boundaries.

The adults in our lives modeled lousy coping skills. In turn, we lack the tools to self-soothe.

We grow up, we are turned out into the real world, and we tolerate (or attract) unhealthy behaviors. We struggle to assign the proper value to ourselves. We say “never again” but it doesn’t stick.

It’s not a lost cause. We can change. We can improve.

And as you know, breaking out of the unproductive patterns is Hard Work. And as you also know, it’s worth it!

Stafbull, you have done — and are doing — so much good self-work.

I agree with the others: it’s time to replace your sponsor. You deserve support, not criticism.

And do consider finding a therapist. A multi-faceted network will boost you — and help you re-build. 🧡

thank you all for your support. You really understand how i am feeling and you never put me down or tell me how i should feel. You validate my feelings and don’t tear me down for feeling the way I do. Growing up I felt like I always had to be happy. It wasn’t okay to be any other way. I would feel Like it was my responsibility at age 5 to bring happiness to our family because there was so much sadness with the loss of my brother right before I was born. Also there was so much anger and screaming and I thought i could fix it. Taking on a lot way too soon. So I started numbing my feelings with the anorexia. I had no control over my life or my family’s so I turned to what I could control-not eating and my weight. I would feel like I achieved something every time I didn’t eat or i lost weight.? I didn’t know how to validate my own feelings. I had to look for outside validation and what does our society do-you look like you have lost weight-. You look great way to go. No one ever said you gained weight good job. I also felt like it wasn’t who I was it was what I did. So the perfectionism came in play. Anyway I am sorry I just wanted to thank you all for being there for me and all your encouragement. Thank you. You are all very special too.

Your sponsor sounds like a sick puppy, Staff. Request a change. And make sure that anyone helping you has proper licensure.

12 step programs are great for some people. You have the complicating factor of being anorexic. I would not expose your fragile psyche to someone like an untrained sponsor. Too much is at stake, Staff.

I agree with Midkid.

If this is this your AA Sponsor that you are talking about; then she might not have the educational background in psychotherapy and counseling that you require.  She might be a very good AA Sponsor, but you need someone with much more education.  You need to talk with a LICENSED THERAPIST who has a college degree in counseling.  Look for someone who has experience with eating disorders and anxiety and family issues.

YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!  I wish that I was talking to you in person as I would give you a GREAT BIG HUG!!!!!!

I have seen therapists off and on throughout my life as "Life" or "Fate" has handed my some pretty nasty situations and it took a therapist to help me figure out what was going on.  I am currently talking with a therapist about being a caregiver to my Mom and grieving her death in September 2018.

Look for a Licensed counselor who understands YOU and what you are going through.  You might have to try a couple of different counselors. 

{{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏

I think your 'sponsor' is way off base. Does this person have training in psych counseling??

I have been to 5 different counselors over the last 43 years. The last one was the final, perfect FIT.

Yep, I had counselors who told me to lose weight and all my problems would be solved, (yes, I could lose 40 lbs, but really, weight is not my issue) one who encouraged me to leave my church (which, quite honestly is the ONE THING that is stable in my life) a couple were so bad--one never bothered to learn my name and one who actually said to me "You just need to get off your fat ass and get a job". (This one came after 6 months on non stop caregiving for my DH who had undergone a liver transplant, and I was so burned out, I didn't know what was going on.)

A GOOD therapist helps you dig deep inside yourself and make the discoveries ON YOUR OWN. They are helping you to dig to China, so to speak. The 'epiphanies' I've had with my current counselor have been amazing. And they were all there, inside my brain--waiting for me to allow them out.

My DH doesn't enjoy it when I have sessions. I inevitably come home a little more 'wonky' than before. BUT--that's probably b/c through this therapy I have learned that I don't have to jump at his every sneeze or hiccup and fuss him. I stand up for myself--nicely, always, but still. I am not the same person he married.

If your 'sponsor' makes you feel worse--that's a pretty good indication they are not helping. Look elsewhere--I really just got very lucky with the one I have now.

One thing--your counselor should not do most of the talking. EVER.

Counselors are people too. They don't always leave problems at home.

I know a guy who is a professor of Psychiatry in LA. He also does marriage and family counseling.

His first wife had to sneak her children out in the middle of the night and go to a women's shelter to get away from this narcissistic monster. He beat her relentlessly---and ran her into the ground.

Guy is still practicing family counseling--with a domestic abuse tag on his name.

You ARE special. We all are. Therapy and coming here has taught me that I am special, and important and worthy of respect.

No matter how many times you want to post how you feel, we will tell you that you are special. Because you are. BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!!

I hope you went back and read what your wrote.

Hear hear, Joanne!

I was just telling my Hubs this last night. There is the ying and the yang. Without the ying, there would be no yang. In other words, without boredom there would be no excitement. Without sadness, there would be no happiness. Etc. etc.

My Hubs feels he needs to be constantly stimulated. He often says to me I'm bored which is fine but when you are saying this at 1:00am when you should be asleep or I should say when most people are asleep there is something not right there.

Every day is a clean slate. If you fail today, start again tomorrow. Make your plans as best you can and then live in the present. It's a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Be the best you you can be and don't let someone get too much in your head.
You are enough.

I hope I didn't use too many cliches in this post.

You say Sponsor, does this mean a person with Therapist background? Because if not, she/he is just a person like you.

You are right, we cannot be happy all the time. I think this is why there is addiction. People think happy should be 24/7 its not. We all get depressed at times but we bounce back. You need to move on. Care for Mom and let the rest go. You cannot controll everything that happens. Things happen. Lets put it this way. Your brother made a choice, for whatever reason. Its his journey, not yours. He will learn something from this experience. But u have to let him do it his way.

I don't believe that we can be happy all the time, we cope, we have struggles, we get angry, we have joy and we have happy times. To name a few. Life is constantly evolving and we are dealing with it as it comes, this is healthy. Thinking you should be happy every second is an unrealistic goal and only sets people up for failure, which is not okay.

I think this sponsor is playing in a field that she should not be playing in, you are a breathing living human being and she should not be making you feel like this.

I would get someone that isn't trying to get in your head the way she is. Just my opinion.

You have had a tremendous amount of trials and you have done a great job facing them and dealing with them. Of course you have some heartache from it all, who wouldn't? But the big picture is a great job, well done staffbull!

If your gut and heart tell you something is not right, listen, you know.

I agree. You are not special ENOUGH to yourself. You try to solve everyone else’s issues and ignore your own. This sponsor is waaaaaay off.

Your sponsor is being very judgemental IMO and that NOT her role. Have you thought about getting another sponsor?

To me you don't sound like you feel you are special. That sounds like a out down to me, ((((hugs))))

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