I'm the type of person that can't let stuff go until I can fully grasp a situation in my head. The last few years I have been so upset about the lack of care and help from my family. This has almost pushed me over the edge at times, all they want to do is argue, fight, bark orders however they come out with some of the most ridicules answers and thoughts. My family lives about 1200 miles away and has pretty much turned their backs on this whole situation of taking care of my Mom. They are in denial or what ever you may call it but in there minds they can come up with so many excuses as to why they will not help. A few days ago it finally hit me that My sister and niece do not have a concept as to what unconditional love is. I become attached to simple things like a house, car, anything that can be sentimental, they have always laughed about that and can't understand me. My Mom is one of the most important things in my life and I do catch myself complaining from the lack of involvement that my family has with her they can come up with so many excuses, they gossip about everyone and everything to the point that I have a hard time being around them. They can take any situation and flip it to make them look good or appear that they just can't do anything about the situation. I view Moms condition the best that I can and refuse to stop looking for something that can help, on the other hand they can't spend enough time telling me that I'm foolish and to stop and just let it go. Even when I became very sick from stress of the situation they continued to hammer me until I had to break all contact. I ask why they want to view the glass half full all the time and doom Mom to a terrible existence and why did they have to constantly try to bring me down with them? They could not even give me an answer. Since I have realized all this and believe me it has taken a long long time to sink into my head but I now realize what most of you do, I can't do anything to change them, I can't make them care of want to spend time with my Mom but I guess in a way it deeply hurt me not only that they will not step up and spend time with Mom but I now realize that maybe its selfish but I also realize that if something happened to me that I would be on my own. We were not brought up this way, my parents were very caring and loving people that took wonderful care of their girls and granddaughter. I'm sure my Mother realizes that they are this way we just don't speak of it. I do have my Mom tell me very often that she is so thankful that she has me and I always stress to her that she has nothing to worry about that I will always be there to take care of her as long as its possible. I see commercials on TV that state that an older persons sometimes becomes frightened and that is the last thing in the world that I want my Mom to feel. I try to always assure her that she has nothing to be frightened of, I have caught her on a few occasions telling my sister stuff that is not the way she really feels and when I ask her why she will say well I don't want them to be upset with me. That is not the way Mom use to be she was a free speaker. I made the bad mistake of saying something to my sister and she took off with that one, now if she does something that Mom would not approve of she told me that if she did not shut up that she would just tell her off and she will back down. I'm so glad I have finally got a straight picture of what is going on in my head, and feel silly that it has taken me so long to figure this out. Have any of you had a situation like this, its kind of like bullying a small child. I have no want anymore to have my mom visit them, I now have a wonderful lady that thinks the world of my Mom that helps me Monday - Friday so I'm comfortable with the fact that I can take time off for a weekend get away and leave mom with her. Mom thinks the world of her so Its a great situation. I just can't get over the fact that people could treat each other this way, I would never consider treating a stranger this way more or less my own mother. I'm so disappointed at all of them but in a way I finally feel free of all the arguing, fighting and just the total embarrassment from them. I do have to say though other than my husband and close friends no one would have any idea what is really going on my sister has gone as far as threating me that if I ever told my cousins or family that there would be serious problems. Well I'm not going to do that I feel like this is really on the trashy level the way that she views things and would not want to be associated with how they act and feel.
I have noticed them backing away from Mom and Dad. They no longer even send them birthday or Christmas gifts (not even a letter or a card, they no longer visit or even call regularly. Like your parents, mine were loving.. not perfect but loving parents. My siblings used to have a close relationship with them and enjoy spending time with them.. so did my Mom's sisters.
It seems like my parents are just not in the position now to give enough to the relationship for them to stick around.. these people do not love unconditionally.. they want to also receive their fare share from the relationship. My parents are now needy.. they need THEM. I think they are also afraid they will get sucked into the caregiving if they even care a little... or that's my perspective of it.
You are right though ..you cannot change anyone or make them care. It is better on you and your mom if you just accept it and move on. I am having such a hard time with it though. I am profoundliy disappointed in really all my relatives.. i had no idea they are so shallow and uncaring. I also realize that if I ever need help.. none will be there for me either.
This has been a devastating realization for me.