Mom died 5/26 - trying to work to sadness in grief process - stuck in guilt...so painful. I should have not tried to get her extra PT at the rehab/restorative care center, I should have MADE her come home for Easter and when she started not feeling so well - despite her protestations, I should not have left her doctor make determinations via telemedicine...should have gotten her to the hospital sooner .. most of all biggest regret is not taking her home in the beginning from the initial rehab and encouraging her to continue working towards being a one-person assist . She wanted to come home - she needed 2 care givers, I should have just brought her home and gotten then despite her objections.
She did well initially at the rehab, then COVID, isolation, and she would not come home because she said the care was good and she was comfortable and looked forward to PT. If I had made her come home with me ( I told her I would be one of her caregivers just with one other person), her last weeks would have been peaceful and happier at home rather than at the rehab center...now i am stuck with what my grieving mind tells me I can never fix , change or correct..Mom had wanted to come home in the beginning....and the initial decision had long-term consequences. I am partially responsible ... I tried to get her to agree, but she kept refusing for various reasons...then it was too late...she developed rapid liver failure and passed in hospice at the hospital with me with her. The guilt is affecting my work, my relationships, everything...all I want to do is tell her how sorry I am for not letting her just come home and pass here in peace when it was her time. I am in counseling and on medicine, but scared for myself ...need hope that the pain will eventually fade and some little self-forgiveness will seep in...God help me. God forgive me