I’ve posted about my mom’s situation several times along with the family dynamics. Feel free to look up the background.
In a nutshell, my mom was declining at home, needed someone to be there 24/7, was on oxygen, could barely toilet herself, obsessed with toileting, has heart disease, some form of lung disease, and she fell out of bed almost 2 weeks ago. She broke her hip (that she had had had replaced several years ago). After being in the hospital a week, having bad delirium after, not being weight-bearing on that leg for six weeks, with a Foley catheter, she was placed in rehab.
I have to say my mom's delirium got better; she was brighter and more herself after she got to the rehab facility. I saw her the day after she went and I felt like she gave me a gift because we could actually have a conversation. Even before she broke her hip at home she was not able to have a real conversation. I was so upbeat to at least have my mom back again somewhat mentally and cognitively. I really felt like she was better off than she was at home before the fall. She seemed happy to be there. No mention was made of going home.
Today we had our first visit with the social worker from the facility about her assessment with therapy. She was so anxious. We couldn’t even have a conversation with the social worker and therapist because she wanted to constantly have us repeat it. She was insistent on hearing everything that was said, even when they were not talking to her. She even had her hearing aids in. My brother, sister-in-law and I were present, along with the therapist and the social worker.
My mom has become so condescending to me any time I say something in front of my brother and sister in law. I’m the only girl in the family. My brother can speak and she’ll be good with anything he says, but just tells me "I know!" any time I say anything to her.
Basically, the therapist said she has not made any progress after almost a week. She can’t do anything because of the pain. She said she’s determined she’s gonna be able to do the therapy because she wants to go home and my brother is telling her and I tried to tell her that she’s got to work through this. They did say that there is some drainage from her wound so maybe the pain is worse than it should be so will be getting a follow up. She is counting on going home in 3 weeks as that is the timeframe they gave right now as they had to throw something out there. Then she could go back home. Right…
She has become so incredibly demanding and so anxious even on meds and so condescending to me that I just can’t and won’t deal with her at home. I’m fine to let them take it over. Last week even they were feeling overwhelmed with the thought of her going home. Nothing has changed that I can see except she is aware of enough to just make it difficult for us.
Anyway is there anything wrong with a discussion with the social worker apart from my mother, if we are power of attorney?
If you have POA use it. Make an appt with SW and therapist alone. Ask her without therapy, what does that mean for Mom? If it means 24/7 care, and your not willing to do it and she can't afford to pay "in home" aides, then she will need placement after Rehab. Hopefully, a LTC unit is in the same building as Rehab so an easy transition.
UGH! Great big warm hug. This must be so challenging for you.
I suggest having a phone/zoom conference with the social worker. That way your mother won’t be involved and you can talk candidly about her situation.Also email them ahead of time with questions that you have so they are prepared as well and have it documented.
Underlying issue:
Not being taken seriously as the only daughter.
Get some support through a caregiver support group or individual therapy. Your perspective is important!
Re Mom
Look up on Medicare website the ratings for LTC affiliated w Rehab. Sometimes really good rehabs have not so good LTC facilities, and the Rehab is a natural funnel to LTC.
Both entities — Rehab and LTC — get distinct scores on staffing, cleanliness, etc.
It sounds like your brother has more influence with your mother. It would be good for your brother and you to talk together and come up with how you both can work with your mother. It would be good to include your mother at one point but maybe talk together first before you do this.
Then it's important that you both talk with the social worker about your concerns. If your mother is coming 'home' to your place or own home you need to set your boundaries. What would work for you and/or what you'll agree on her care?
When my mother was discharged from the hospital a plan was made that involved home health care. My brother is total decision maker for our mother's medical decision and won't talk with me or let me be involved. BUT I can share my concerns with the medical personnel.
If your Mom should get released, who will she be released to? If it is either you or your brother, then you need to have that talk privately, even if all it is is to discuss what needs and requirements your Mom will have after she is released.
I suspect, your Mom knows that she will not be released on her own after the rehab. Hence, she is just very anxious about what will be happening to her after she leaves rehab.
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