My widowed mom was physically, mentally, emotionally, & sexually abusive of us five children when we were kids. My dad was on sea duty until I was 9 and so not around. When he was there, mom comandeered his time & attention. Later, he became what seems like manic/depressive with long bouts of silently sitting in the dark alternating with immature, bubbly giddiness. I saw my mom abuse him, too: she would attack him physically and say mean, untrue things. Now he is gone, and so is my older sister-- which leaves me and three younger, estranged siblings to deal with my aging mom. The worst part is I either feel disconnected from my emotions re: her, or I feel resentment and anger. I am a responsible person, and I feel guilty that I can't manage my feelings about the past. It's like I can't grow past all that misery and recognize that she doesn't have that power anymore. Any words of wisdom here?

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Thanks for the feedback. In answer: Yes, I've been to alot of therapy. I'm not in it now-- I thought I was doing pretty well. But recently, I've tried to elicit an apology from Mom... and I realized that the younger me inside is naively trying to soothe the hurt again. At least I know this... now... Mom was getting exhausting with her manipulations and I just started craving the mom I never had... again. I think that doing my best to set up good care for her and doing what I can is the best idea-- thanks for the support! It's funny: Mom thinks she can pull her tricks sometimes still, but other times it's like she knows she was awful and gets paranoid. I'm not aggressive physically, but sometimes I'll blurt out things like "Yeah, it is tough when you feel like someone is going to hurt you" sarcastically referring to the abuse she inflicted. Then I feel so bad for not rising above it and being more mature. I have taken a break recently from assisting her so she has been able to guilt my younger sister into it while also making promises of "inheritance" to her. I know my mom doesn't know much about what's true and what's not so the bullsh-t about inheritance doesn't work with me. She just says that because she thinks it gives her power-- it's likely she'll use up her savings by living a long while. I'm just happy to not be where I was as a child-- in a horrible prison. So, that's something...

My best friend came from a family of 8 kids, and her mother was a terrible person. My friend was sexually molested by her mother, hit, punched etc. also. She was singled out from the other 2 girls, because she reminded her mother of my friends maternal grandmother. My friend watched her mother chase her father around the house with a butcher knife, hit and belittle him all their marriage. The list goes on and on to be truthful. It took my friend DECADES to stop hating her mom, then she moved on to just pitying her, and now it's more like 'don't care'. Her mother has Alzheimer's now and neither remembers the grief she caused, or who she inflicted it on to begin with. If she had been asked to care for the woman that hurt her so badly, she would've made sure the mom was taken care of, but surely not by her personally. I think that as long as a person makes sure their rotten parent isn't living on the street under a bridge somewhere, then it's all good. I would consider that 'honor thy father and thy mother', and not lose any sleep over it.

Feeling resentment and anger seems perfectly appropriate to me. Have you ever had counselling regarding being the victim of abuse? That too seems appropriate. You deserve professional guidance to deal with the horrendous injustices of your childhood.

What is the current situation? Is your mother in need of care? Who is providing it?

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