I am 26 and have been caring for my 81 year old Grandmother for the past 5 years. I was just married and pregnant and we (my husband, grandmother and I) decided that we would get a house together so that she could have someone take care of her and I could stay home and take of her and my children.
Durring the first few months of living with each other HER children (other than my Mother who lives to far away to help but her son and other daughter) got into a fight over nothing of importance and they decided they would no longer have any relationship with her. They live within 10mins of our house and have not contacted her in anyway. So, now I am left holding the bag.

It was almost like they could tell she was getting worse (health wise) and did not want to have to take on any responsiblity. Plus the fact she could no longer help them out financially because she needs the money for her own health care.

I do get respite at least once a week, she has an CNA come in and help her out for a few hours. But, I am angry with my Aunt and Uncle for abandoning her in her old age. I also have cousins who choose to go along with their parents plan and now they no longer come over to visit her.

She has been getting worse this past year and I am terrified to go on any type of vacation. Somedays when I get up in the morning I can tell she has not gotten up at night (which she used to do on a regular bases) and worry is this the morning that I will find her gone.

I don't know how to deal with my anger. I don't understand how they could do this to her. She isn't the easiest person to deal with and we have had many fights but I know that she loves me and my family and we lover her. She has done nothing to her children that deserves this kind of treatmeant.

I just wish they could get over themselves and spend time with her while they can. I know it would make her happy and it would be really nice if she had family who could invite her to dinner once a week. And, if we went on vacation to have family to come check on her and not someone we pay.

I just needed to vent thank you.

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To: Lilliput,
I do get compensated and that is not the main issue. She has a woman come twice a week to give me a break.

What upsets me is that I see her and I know that she misses them. Even though she wont admit it. I know it hurts her in this time of her life not to have the ones she loves. Her other grandkids (and her great grandkids) do not come to visit except maybe once a year (they also live maybe a 20 min drive from our house) because they are uncomfortable. It makes me angry that they can't see that SHE IS THEIR MOTHER. The only one you get.

She gets to feeling trapped. And, doesn't have many people to talk to other than my famly. My sister and my Mother. They both live out of state and visit as often as they can. My Mother has told me that she feels guilty that I am the one taking care of her but I don't feel angry about it. She works full time and lives out in the country.

I will talk to my Mother about talking to my Aunt and Uncle. I think I will give it a try. My Grandmother is more angry at her son than her daughter. So, that may be my best bet. Thank you so much. I really want her to have family. Thank you

Oh, and from day one when we got the alz diagnosis for our mom, bro wanted to put her in a nursing home. She asked me to take care of her, said she needed me and that she would have to put her trust in me. because she realized she couldn't think right any more. So, if I complain about anything, brother just says, "if you can't handle it then put her in a nursing home". Having her in a NH would be more stressful for me than taking care of her at home. I would still be responsible for her and have to go in there all the time, etc. I like being able to take care of my mom , and am doing a really good job of it, so it comes down to the financial. It just "ain't fair"! ok vent over.

I want to vent about my family members , too, so this seems like a good place to do it. I have been caring for my mom in her home for about 6 years and my brother has had POA and begrudgingly gives me money for expenses. Well, he gives just enough for food and supplies, but not enough for me to do anything or take a day off by hiring soemone, yet he gets to go on vacations and live his life. My mom is now on hospice , she has alz, and they are stressful too. I need to go back to work,(if I can find a job now) and will have to hire someone to come in while I work, but will end up breaking even, It's just impossible to find a workable solution. It got to the point that just the sight of my brother causes my "blood to boil" and I haven't been able to even look at him any more. Not sure venting does any good, but , I'm sure others have problems with family members.
I am, however, taking good care of my mom and she is grateful to have me here. Thanks for listening. And good luck with your situation.

This is a familiar routine that is oh so familiar in this forum. Family members start an argument that they somehow feel entitles them to deflect responsibility. They rationalize that if they are "angry" with someone, then they have the right to distance themselves. Those of us who are caregivers see right through and recognize it for what it is: self-centeredness.
Call a family meeting and let your aunts and uncles know that they need to pitch in. Your grandmother may not be around much longer and they may regret their decision to ostracize her. Let them know how stressful it is for you to carry this burden alone and that you are concerned about her health. This way they cannot say that they "did not know."
Unfortunately, you cannot force anyone to be involved if they choose not to be.
Take some of your grandmother's funds and hire an in-home health aide. I hired two for Mom. One who does personal care and one who does errands and grocery shopping. It has worked out well and that little bit of help gives me a break.
Btw, has grandmother contributed to your household expenses (ie: helping with the mortgage, child care, or other expenses)? If so, the fam. may think that you are being compensated.
Getting everything out in the open is the best if you can pull it off. Btw, what does your Mom have to say about it? Your grandmother is her Mom, too. I think she needs to intercede for you with her sibs.
....good luck

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