Hello. My father (79) has had dementia for a few years now, but only in the last few months he has become worse. He gets old memories confused and tells us things that happened in his past we know are not true. He has also become progressively more agitated and adamant about things.
A couple of days ago he more or less snapped. He called me in the afternoon and told me he could not do it any longer. He was very agitated and angry, almost manic when he called. I asked him what he meant, and he said, "your mother! I can't do it any more! She's been lying to me and doing things behind my back!" He then went on to tell me what she has done to him (like moving money to a separate savings account she opened), none of which are true. He then said, "I'm leaving!" And he left their home.
I found out later he went to get a hotel room. Mom did not know he had left. She can't be left alone for too long as she has a history of seizures and falling. She knew he was upset, but not to this extent. He returned home the next day, but will not have anything to do with her. He has basically said that he wants to live alone now. Mom knows not to cross him, so she is playing it cool for now.
I live 6 hours away and I am going to get her to bring her to my house for a visit for a few days, depending. I want to make sure she is safe and provided for. As for my dad, I'm not sure what to do at this point.
Anyone else have any experience with a situation like this? Any advice would be welcome!
If you take mom into your home for any reason, she may be there for life. Think very carefully about that! It rarely works out well for both, and you may not be able to sustain the care she needs for the long term. If I were you, I would be gathering info for care facilities because that seems to be what they both need NOW, not in some hopeful distant tomorrow. Sorry, OP. No one likes being in these situations.
I have no idea who their doctors are as they never tell me anything regarding their health. I have no idea what or how many medications they are on. Mom is now open to telling me about these things and the next step in my plan is to contact their doctors. Right now I am just trying to diffuse a tense situation and bring as much peace as I can so they don't overreact and my dad do something crazy again.
My mom knows her coming here is temporary. She has already told me she wants to live in an assisted living facility so she can socialize and get the care she knows she needs. My dad would never talk about the future at all.
Again, I thank you all for taking the time to respond to my question.
Best of luck.
Also, yes, as others have said, he can't be driving in this condition.
I'm sorry you're facing this challenge, especially from afar and so suddenly.
This must be extraordinarily painful for you and I am so very sorry. Your poor mom!
I am in some way anticipating a split living arrangement with my parents. Hostility between the two has brewed for years and both show signs of dementia. I like you, do not attend doctors appts. They have already separated in some financial way with financial things. You could say I am waiting for "the event" that you describe. In anticipation I took my dad to two AL places for tours 3 months ago (my mom was not interested to join us) I also talked to the VA, found out they have too much $ for VA placement. I am mentally prepared to put them in separate studio independent living if need be and spend everything they have down to zero if I must. Then let them become wards of the state. I am 55, with 10k to my name and a fulltime job.
When they spend down eventually VA will help.
you get the picture. He got so goofy, I called 911, but noted he had a fever of 100 before I called them. He went off on the ER doc. Security was called. Didn’t take them long to drug and discharge him. They even sent him back home via ambulance just to get rid of him.
Best we could tell, this was all triggered by possibly a viral episode. No UTI, no pneumonia, no in hospital temp, but I have no doubt it was elevated earlier (I’m a retired NP and I do know how to take a temperature) WBC’s were also quite elevated.
The RN who gave me report told me she had worked with dementia patients for 8 years and many many things can cause these breaks. Fortunately, for the both of us, my husband returned to baseline sanity about a week to 10 days later.
What you are experiencing is scary as scary can be. Hope there are no weapons in the house.
I won’t advise but I can share my personal experience with you and hope it will help in some way. I do know I could not have managed the situation at home if he hadn’t come around. It would have put me in the hospital or 6 feet under for sure.
The psychosis is just WAY TOO MUCH.
2. You need to either move back and live with your mother to take care of her, or you need to pay someone to take care of her 24/7.
Both of your parents can not live alone anymore and you left them alone. So you need to buy 24/7 caretakers or move back in.
Otherwise whatever happens to them is your own fault and you need to live with that reality and guilt of being the reason they are harmed ( maybe even deadly injured).
One sample scenario, maybe he had trouble sleeping because he got a bad cold and couldn't sleep due to the coughing. So he's got an infection plus sleep deprivation on top of some baseline dementia. Then say, in hope of knocking himself out so he could finally get some sleep, he took some benadryl (elderly shouldn't take benadryl due to higher risk of confusion, delusions, agitation, etc) Then say he's asleep so long, he doesn't empty his bladder and, already prone to bladder infections ("UTI's") due, at his age, to common BPH (big prostate), so he gets a UTI from retaining his urine way too long while asleep - another big trigger of confusion, psychosis in elderly. And he has high emotional stress on top of the physical stress because he knows he's off and fears what might happen to him (and to his wife if he's not around to look out for her) and his fear and legitimate concerns panic him some, creating a vicious cycle. This is just one sample scenario of how things can spiral, especially in an elderly person with no nearby family to look out for them. (You are trying of course now that there's been this big decline but being 6 hrs away, you understandably weren't in a position to keep an eye on small changes, see warning signs, if there were any.)
New prescribed (or other over the counter) medicines or changes in doses are often the culprit so keeping close track of medicine changes and observing for any side effects (or good effects!) is worth the effort. Less often, abruptly stopping certain types of medicines could trigger problems like your dad's. (eg if he ran out of a benzodiazepine like valium or ativan - or IF he was addicted to alcohol and abruptly stopped, he could have had alcohol withdrawl but not sure he could have gotten through that without medical help. Definitely needed a comprehensive look by a doctor, completed weeks ago I assume.)
Hopefully your dad has taken a turn for the better and a lot of that abrupt decline reversed. Would check out some of the recs of neurologist Dale Bredesen MD on improving, even potentially reversing (if not too advanced) Alzheimer's dementia (& can help w/other dementias too) and prevention for you. Check out videos on you tube. Even partial adoption of his recs can help. Best wishes.
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